-♪ We in the house ♪ ♪♪
-Come on!
-Tonight, join Jimmy and his guests --
Kate Hudson,
Alessia Cara,
and the Legendary Roots Crew.
It's "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."
-We in the house, y'all!
-And now, here's Jimmy.
-Hey, everyone. Welcome to Tonight Show: At Home Edition."
How cool was that? We have a new opening.
We have a brand-new theme. We're evolving. We're growing.
Thank you to Chris Tartaro
and everyone from the animation studio that put that together.
That was awesome.
Thank you guys so much for watching our show.
I appreciate it. Here we are, week seven,
I want to say, in New York.
This is week seven of quarantine,
and we're doing our part.
We're staying at home.
If we have to go out for anything essential,
we wear masks, we're doing the whole thing.
I know some places are slowly opening, reopening.
Take your time. Do it right.
♪ Baby, we can do it Take your time, do it right ♪
So yeah, do it right.
And remember, this is a marathon, not a race.
So, let's take care of each other.
We got a ways to go, and we're going to do this.
All right. Um...
Let's start with some jokes.
Welcome to "Tonight Show: At Home Edition."
Let's get to some news. In a new interview,
Dr. Deborah Birx said that we're going to have
social distancing through the summer.
Yep. At least I think it was her.
They were wearing a lot of scarves.
It was either Dr. Birx or Johnny Depp.
I saw that the CDC has added six new possible symptoms
to the coronavirus to its list.
That includes chills, shaking, and a headache.
So, if you're experiencing any of those,
you either have the virus
or you're Dr. Birx watching Trump's press conference.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get on it."
"Right? You're looking into that too?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm looking into that."
"About the disinfectants?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm looking into that."
"The UV lighting, you're going to look into that, right?"
"Me? Sure. Yeah, I'll look into that.
I looked into it already. It doesn't make any sense.
Just now while you were talking, I looked into it.
Keep going."
"How about helium? What if we all inhale helium?
At least we'll have funny voices.
That's something."
"Yeah, I'll look into that too. Thanks, buddy."
After rumors of his death, North Korea is now claiming
that Kim Jong-Un is totally fine.
And they can prove it with a recent letter that he wrote.
Yep. You can tell the letter is recent
'cause he gives a full review of Netflix's
"Too Hot to Handle."
You could tell Kim Jong-Un's letter is recent
because he asked -- [ Laughter ]
You could tell that his letter is recent
'cause he asked all North Koreans to respect Jay Cutler
and Kristin Cavallari's privacy during this difficult time.
[ Laughter ]
Kim Jong-Un did that.
Yeah. No one knows if Kim Jong-Un is dead or alive.
He's basically turned into every cast member
of "The Golden Girls."
Listen to this.
I saw that YouTube is now removing
any medically unproven content from its site.
Americans are like, "Well, back to searching WebMD
and thinking I have every disease known to man."
"Honey, turns out I either have a sprained ankle
or hemorrhoids."
I read that Microsoft Word has decided
that two spaces between sentences are incorrect.
That's right. It only took seven weeks of quarantine
to make Clippy finally snap.
-It's one space, you dumb mother [ bleep ]!
-Hey, Clippy, get -- get out of here.
Get out of here, Clippy.
Yep, Microsoft Word now says that using two spaces
between sentences is incorrect.
Students writing final papers in bed were like,
"Those spaces are half my paper!"
This weekend, CNN partnered with "Sesame Street"
to do a coronavirus town hall for kids.
Bert and Ernie were there, which makes sense
'cause Bert's been cutting his own hair for years.
Ooh.
Take that, Bert.
Yeah, we're really hitting -- we're really hitting people.
Why would we hit Bert? I love Bert.
-I love Bert. -I know, I love Bert too.
Hi, Bert.
Oh, and Cookie Monster was there too.
Although thanks to quarantine,
he now goes by the name Sourdough Bread Monster.
He's very smug about it too.
Check this out. I saw that a lot of high schoolers
have held online "isolation proms."
That's funny. I also had an isolation prom.
It was called prom.
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Sniffles ]
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
Oh, this is interesting.
I heard that people on dating apps
are putting their COVID-19 testing status
in their profiles.
And if you still get matches after saying you're positive,
then damn, you fine.
Finally, I saw that the Mister Softee ice cream trucks
are now cruising around New York City again.
So, good news. At least New Yorkers
can still get their drugs.
There you go, everybody. That is our monologue.
What a show we have for you tonight.
Gosh, I love her.
I've known her for a long time now.
I want to say it's 20 years since we did "Almost Famous."
Kate Hudson is on the show. Great actor, great entrepreneur.
She's just a great philanthropist,
giving back to --
Look at that. wfp.org right there,
with the nice rainbow.
Also, my pal Alessia Cara is coming on the show.
She's also in "The Willoughbys" on Netflix.
But she has a great story of how she got that role.
Always something magical happens with Alessia Cara.
And we're going to play a one word song challenge
where you have to sing a gibberish word
to the tune of a song and have your friend guess the song.
So it's a fun game. We'll play it later in the show.
And then she's going to close us out.
Oh, here's Alessia's charity,
directrelief.org.
She's going to close out the show singing a song, "October,"
which is very, very cool.
Hey, guys, if you text the word "meals" to 80100 --
just try it. See what happens.
Text "meals" to that number
on your phone right now,
because we're very excited about this.
As you know, we're trying to do our part
to help out during this tough time.
So we're very excited to share this news.
Now until June 1st,
Salesforce is going to match up to $250,000
of your donations to World Central Kitchen.
So just text "meals" to 80100.
80100.
80100. Text "meals."
They will tell you what to do from then on.
And it's a $10 donation.
And Salesforce will match up to $250,000.
So thank you to Salesforce for doing that.
That's basically the whole reason we're doing this show,
is to get out there and get these charities some help
and help each other if we can.
Guys, it can be hard to say goodbye to some things,
but sometimes you just have to.
I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for a segment called "Go On, Git."
♪♪
-♪ Go on, go on, go on, git ♪
♪♪
-[With twang] It can be hard to say good-bye sometimes,
but sometimes you just have to.
And there are a few things I'd like to say good-bye to
right now.
It's time for "Go On, Git!"
[ Western guitar playing ]
♪♪
Go on, git,
inspirational quotes on my tea bags.
Just because I like a little chamomile before bed
doesn't mean I'm having a dang spiritual crisis.
I appreciate the sentiment and all,
but you're basically the hot beverage version
of someone saying, "Wow, you look really tired."
You're my tea, not my therapist.
So, pour yourself a nice warm mug of git!
♪♪
Go on, git, any natural disaster that ain't coronavirus.
Now is not the time!
Tornadoes?
Torna-don'ts.
Blow on out of here.
Earthquakes, shake a tail feather.
Tsunamis? More like tsu-no-mis.
♪♪
We got enough to deal with without y'all coming in here,
"Take a look at me." Git!
♪♪
[ Light laughter ]
Go on, git,
people who organize their bookshelves by color.
First off, your "Harry Potters" are all over the place.
Second off, how do you think
you're supposed to find anything?
You really think you'll say,
"Ooh, I remember, that one was red.
Let's get that good red book."
That don't make no dang sense! Alphabetical's the way to go!
So A, B, C, D, E, F, git!
♪♪
Go on, git, belts!
I got five words for you.
I ate lasagna for breakfast.
You see, I got a lot of feelings right now,
and I don't need anyone or anything telling me
how big my waist's supposed to be.
Belts, you better tie yourself up in a lasso and --
[ Cracking whip ] Git!
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Go on, git, "Animal Crossing."
If I wanted to sell fruit to a bug, I'd go outside
and do it in real life, and believe me, I have tried!
But bugs ain't got no money!
So git.
Finally...
♪♪
Go on, git,
video of Stanley Tucci mixing that Negroni all sexy-like.
You're making the rest of us men look bad with your swole arms
and proficiency at the bar cart.
Now my wife keeps texting me that video saying,
"Look how cool Stanley Tucci is."
And I keep saying, "I get it. You want to smoochy Tucci."
Well, you were great in "Hunger Games,"
but now you gotta hunger git!
That's it, everyone.
Sometimes you gotta say goodbye.
We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
♪♪