- I'll just let you into my life
so you know my point of view on things.
Yesterday, I picked my nose (audience laughing)
and then I didn't wanna wipe it on my couch.
I was too lazy to get up and get a Kleenex,
so I put it back in my nose.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
Back in the summer I fell,
I fell real bad as I was at home, I was,
I fell in the shower,
I was drunk. (audience laughing)
I was drinking in the shower.
I drink in my shower. (audience laughing)
I drink in my shower,
not like I need to drink so much
that it carries over,
I wait for the shower.
I choose to drink in the shower
because everybody deserves a spa day in this world
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
and I'm glad you agree with me.
Why is it perfectly acceptable,
oh, drive out somewhere and go to a spa
and if you lay down in their establishment
with rose petals and champagne, that's fine,
but I do it vertically in my own home
with a six pack on the back of the toilet for easy reaching,
I'm some sorta scumbag all of a sudden?
(audience laughing)
It's the one room you can be alone
and naked and have a cocktail in.
Every other room in your house
has a drink appointed to it.
What are you, are you on the porch?
Have a mint julep on the porch.
(audience laughing)
Oh, what are you,
what, are you in your living room?
Have a sophisticated scotch
or a snifter of brandy.
What are you, in the garage
tinkering around with your motors?
Have a beer in the garage.
But, oh, I'm gonna have something in the bathroom,
like, "You should probably go to meetings."
No, man, (audience laughing)
I don't agree to that. (audience applauding)
I set it up, I have an event for myself.
I have the drinks on the back of the toilet,
don't bring 'em in there with you,
you don't need 'em that close.
I have a waterproof Bluetooth speaker for the shower shelf.
- [Audience Member] Woo!
- I put the iPod on shuffle in the other room
and I let Steve Jobs DJ my mood from beyond the grave
(audience cheering)
and he gets it right. (audience applauding)
"All right, DJ Steve,
that's the 160 gig model, 35,000 songs.
I got about nine ex-roommates libraries on there,
what can you do for me?"
Five Motorhead tunes then three Lionel Richie jams,
shit. (audience laughing)
Get into it.
Motorhead's playing, what do you do?
You're guzzling the beers. (audience laughing)
You're living life,
flash dance your problems away.
(audience laughing)
(scene whooshing)
It should come as no surprise
when I tell you that I belong to a Facebook fan page
for Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
For obvious reasons,
they're delicious, they're cheddar-y,
they're a perfect prelude to your entree,
whatever you might be having.
Also, in my heart of hearts,
I hope that somewhere in this world,
there really is a geographic location known as Cheddar Bay.
(audience laughing)
Somewhere, maybe north of Nova Scotia,
where the sailors can guide their weary vessels
into the cheesy waves (audience laughing)
and the salty fog will hit 'em,
and they'll all be carrying treasures and necklaces
for their port lovers by the name of Brandy.
(audience laughing)
That being said,
I was privy to witness something
by being a member of that fan page.
For whatever reason,
the day Michael Jackson died,
the cheddar biscuit fan page
became an unofficial forum for mourning
the loss of a recording legend.
(audience laughing)
I have no idea why, (audience laughing)
but that day the Venn diagram of cheddar bay biscuit fans
and Michael Jackson fans eclipsed itself.
(audience laughing)
They found each other (audience applauding)
and I don't know,
I don't know if that's a true mark
that as a society, we're gonna make it
'cause that's technology and human compassion
intertwining to support one another,
or if that's a clear sign of end of times.
(audience laughing)
I don't know,
but all I know is you go on there the day Michael
and it is hundreds of comments of people
just eulogizing the death of the King of Pop.
Just, "Oh my God, Mike.
Oh my, RIP, Michael, we love you,
your music meant so much."
Just dozens and dozens.
The thing is though,
every 60 or 70 comments,
somebody will log in and leave a comment
that clearly had not heard the news yet.
(audience laughing)
So that's like Comment 63 will be like,
"Oh my God, Michael Jackson, you meant so much.
RIP, rest in peace,
good luck in heaven, man"
and then Comment 64 would just be somebody going,
"Man, cheddar bay biscuits are the (bleeping),
am I right?" (audience laughing)
And the thing is, it would be so quickly policed
by the cheddar biscuit community though,
'cause you could see the time code by minute,
and like a minute after somebody would just be like,
"Cheddar biscuits are the (bleeping)!"
a minute later somebody you could tell was just like,
"Listen, dude, today's not about cheddar biscuits,
today's about MJ, okay?" (audience laughing)
Like they were angry, but they knew,
"Okay, he doesn't know, he doesn't know"
(audience laughing)
and you could feel the remorse emanate from their,
you can just feel that guy like,
"I am so sorry, I just, (audience laughing)
I wake up, I stretch
and I log onto my cheddar biscuits fan page
to see what my brothers and sisters are up to.
I do not go to national news sites.
(audience laughing)
I come here to express joy out of this appetizer"
and I don't know if that's beautiful or terrifying,
but it's something, man, I don't know.
(scene whooshing)
I went down to London
and I went on the Jack The Ripper Tour in London
because that's what I do still,
like, I should grow up (audience laughing)
but that's the stuff I'm into
and it's a big deal there,
like, there's still big advertisements like,
"You gotta go on this Jack The Ripper Tour"
and it's from the 1800's,
but that's still their big tour thing.
"Go on the Jack The Ripper Tour"
and you sign up for a tour
and there's so many tours,
there's like competing tours
and they're cutting each other off in the street there.
(audience laughing)
It's so popular and you sign up
and you get assigned a tour guide,
who's just a decrepit little English man.
(audience laughing)
You know, he's got like a,
and he's dressed in the period,
he's got a top hat and a cloak
and he's using the scariest British voice.
(audience laughing)
Or maybe just his British voice,
'cause it's hard to tell with the old ones.
(audience laughing)
The old ones always sound
like they're just dooming you no matter what, you know.
"What time is it?
Ah, 7:30." (audience laughing)
"All right."
He's leading us around the city on this tour
and the tour is interesting,
but it's hard to focus on
'cause you're still in a modern city,
so he's trying to put you in the time period
that this all happened
and he'll stop you on some part of the street
where he's like, "And here one of the victims
was found dissected with medical precision!"
but you're still in front of a KFC, you know.
It's kinda like, "Eh." (audience laughing)
It's hard to focus,
"My mouth'll dissect a family bucket
with medical precision, you know.
(audience laughing)
This tour is boring as shit." (audience laughing)
But then we get to the end of it,
we get to the big finale
and he's got everybody gathered around
and this is his big climax moment of the tour
and he's got everybody there,
and this is where he just sends it home
and he's got everybody, goes,
"And it's believed that in total,
Jack The Ripper may have killed up to five victims!"
(audience laughing)
Now, I know that this is a weird time
to get welled up with national pride,
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
- [Audience Member] Yeah! (audience cheering)
- But I had to turn to my friend,
I was like, "Did he say five? (audience laughing)
We've been rolling our ankles
on cobblestone for three hours for five?
We paid 60 pounds,
I don't even know how much that is in real money,
for fucking five?" (audience laughing)
I got real USA, I was like,
"I'm from America, baby,
we got somebody killing five people right now!
(audience laughing)
And we don't give 'em walking tours, neither."
(audience laughing)
You do a walking tour for everybody
who killed five people in this country,
the whole 48 lower states would just look like
half-price tickets at Disneyland,
that's what it would just look like.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Wisconsin alone would have so many people
that they'd be tipping off into the lake.
(audience laughing)
You kill five people, you can defend yourself in court
after killing five people (audience laughing)
and get off with, like, just, like, a warning.
(audience laughing)
That's where we're at.
You can be like, "All right, yeah,
I know what happened, your Honor,
but listen, you know how they say
McDonald's has breakfast all day?
Yeah, and then you get your hopes up,
but then they can still run out of that shit
(audience laughing)
and that's what they don't tell you
when you're trying to have an egg McMuffin for dinner,
like, 'We're out of Canadian bacon.'
Sure, I got a little outta hand.
(audience laughing)
I got a little, I got a little outta hand."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
The judge is like, "Rough weekend, I understand,
we all have 'em. (audience laughing)
We all have 'em, we all have 'em!"
Rough weekend. (audience laughing)
You kill one person on accident in America,
you don't even get arrested anymore.
They make you a cop,
that's what happens. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It's, "I don't wanna be a police officer."
"It doesn't matter, you pass the test.
You're qualified. (audience laughing)
Welcome to the force." (audience laughing)
(scene whooshing)
Loneliness is a subjective term.
You know, it's different for everybody, man.
You're castaway on an island,
there's nobody around.
That's lonely, you know,
but it could also mean you lack the simple courage
to be able to say hello
to somebody sitting next to you on a bus,
that's lonely, too, you know.
For me, I can define loneliness,
I can just hone it in
as the very moment that I realized
that I had forgotten I was masturbating
(audience laughing)
at a motel in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
That's it, that's the point,
that's when I remembered. (audience laughing)
Just, it's not even sexual anymore,
it's just like an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance
at this point.
So, like, "Ah, c'mon, get outta here!"
(audience laughing)
It's like I'm taking
a broom to get raccoons off the porch.
Like, "C'mon, c'mon! (audience laughing)
just yah, c'mon, yah!" (audience laughing)
I understand now why a dog can hump something,
but still look right at you. (audience laughing)
Like, I understand that.
You see a dog, it's like, "What?
This feels good and you're my buddy.
What's, why? (audience laughing)
You're the one making it weird.
What, why?" (audience laughing)
It was, I was just, like, in the shower
and there's this dead-eyed staring at a wall
and I realized that on the shelf there,
I bought the little size of shampoos,
I bought dandruff shampoo on accident
and I saw that and I was like, "I don't have dandruff"
and I remembered that's like
the old Head And Shoulders jingle,
'cause I was like, "I don't have dandruff"
and then out loud I just went, "Exactly"
(audience laughing)
and I got, I had a little chuckle,
I had a little chuckle to myself.
I'm like, "That's funny.
If you're making jokes like this
and you're in a shower,
you're right to go out there
and pursue your dreams, Kyle,
you're on the right path.
You're doing this stuff in the shower,
you're cutting yourself up,
you're doing the right thing with your life.
Anyway, what else?
What were we doing?
Oh yeah, well." (audience laughing)
(scene whooshing)
I found the key to happiness, I think it's what it is.
You just gotta loosen up your definition
of what a miracle can be. (audience laughing)
That's all it is.
Everybody's like, "What's a miracle?"
"Oh, like probably, like, a statue that cries."
Stop it.
Turn that way down. (audience laughing)
Stop going top shelf with your miracles!
(audience laughing)
Start going well with those miracles.
Stop looking, all a miracle is
is the world letting you know
it can still surprise you.
I experienced a miracle recently,
I burnt my laundry (audience laughing)
and that should've been something
that would've pissed me off,
but I didn't even know that you could do that.
(audience laughing)
I just sat at the laundry mat
with a meteorite of my favorite T-shirts
and instead of being frustrated,
I chose to have a sense of wonderment about it.
(audience laughing)
Instead of being angry,
I was just looking at everybody else,
holding this meteor, like,
"Did you know this could even happen?
(audience laughing)
I used the same quarters in the same machine
as everybody else! (audience laughing)
You all got fresh smelling laundry,
I created a new element for the universe!"
(audience laughing)
And that was followed by a half hour of me
just holding it up, going,
"I am the Alchemist!" (audience laughing)
which that put everybody off a little bit,
but that's all you need to be happy.
Thank you very much, (audience cheering)
cheers to "The Meltdown". (audience applauding)
(upbeat music)