- Hey, what's up. It's me, Jessica Jay.
And I was just wondering if you've ever sat
and thought to yourself, "How do I keep her wanting me
"once I have her?"
Well, so I'm glad you ask, because I very recently
started reading this new book called
"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel,
where she talks about this idea of
getting desensitized to one another
the second week catch each other, so to speak.
And how we can not necessarily prevent,
but how we can help...
What's the word?
How we can help navigate that ebb and flow
between catching each other and being closer
and then losing that desire for one another
and then getting it back.
So today, I'm gonna go over exactly
what that number one secret is
to keeping her wanting you once you get each other,
so that you never have to worry about
losing out on the chic that you worked
so hard to get ever again.
And to make sure you never miss out on another little tidbit
like this or another one of my videos,
don't forget to hit that Subscribe button
with that notification bell.
Okay. So you probably like either postulated yourself
or seen in the comments that chics only want guys
that they can't have.
And I'ma go ahead and challenge you in saying that
a lot of us usually want what we can't have or get.
In psychology, we call it this closed loop effect,
where our brain has not been able
to necessarily see the end,
so it continuously refreshes this thing in our minds
until we're able to create the closing in that loop.
So friends and have you ever gotten a song
stuck in your head,
and maybe it's just like a little single part of the song,
maybe you don't even know how it ends
but you can't stop thinking about the song
because maybe you don't even know how the song ends.
That's an idea, or that's an example
of what an open loop in your brain is.
And when we are in a state of being unable to catch a person
that's kind of where obsession comes from,
and that's where we start to think about them all the time.
Or when you get these intermittent reinforcements,
yet had another psychology term,
it's when you get a little bit here, a little bit there,
and then she ghosts you and then like three weeks later,
you hear from her again.
It's this idea of our brain saying,
"Wait, look, sometimes we get it
"even though we mostly never get it, sometimes we do.
"So we're gonna keep this loop open."
Does that make sense?
So what happens when we do actually
get the person that we do want?
I talk about this all the time in regards to keep dating us.
We're not just trophies to be won and put on the shelf
while you get back to your regular life
and forget all about us.
And we, women are no different.
When it comes to the whole courting process,
we look at you as a prize to be won as well.
So once we get you and you become ingrained
in our lives and lifestyles,
it's very easy for both of us to become toasters
to one another.
Those of you who haven't been on my channel long enough,
becoming toasters mean, when you first get the toast,
it's 'cause you want and you need it
'cause you want some toast.
And eventually you're like, "Nah, I don't really
"wanna do bread anymore."
So the toaster just kinda sits there.
You don't notice it anymore
'cause it's a part of your everyday life,
who gives a fuck about the toaster?
And the only time you notice is when it's either broken,
not working to your advantage anymore, or it's just gone.
So, sorry, back to the number one secret
to keeping a woman wanting you
after that entire desensitization process
is to maintain your own separateness.
Here's the thing, when we get into a relationships,
when we're dating somebody, when we're coming back closer,
that is the idea of wanting to get closer.
Closeness breeds more love, it breeds more intimacy.
However, desire needs distance.
And desire is the only thing that separates you
from every other person in our world.
Whether it be our friends, our family,
our neighbors, our coworkers,
the desire we feel for you is the only distinction
between you and those other people.
So if y'all don't have desire in the mix,
then you're gonna become just another person in her life.
And for those of you who aren't even sure
how to get women to desire you, don't forget to check out
my Speak To Spark Arousal system at speaktosparkarousal.com,
where I go over those things step-by-step
to get to where we are now in regards
to getting women to stick around once you do get her.
So it is this paradox of, yes, we are becoming closer,
yes, we are becoming more familiar with each other,
yes, we are becoming more ingrained
in a shared life together.
However, unless you're able to keep your own separate life
aside from her, that desire will fizzle out.
So keep your nights with the boys,
keep your fishing trips,
keep your video games
and things that you like to do.
Of course, you're gonna blend
and share life together one day,
but unless you maintain that separateness
and remain firm in the man she first fell for,
you guys will be doomed to toast each other.
And not in like the celebratory way,
you will burn each other to the ground
and then hate each other.
I know so many guys, and I've so many clients
that go full throttle into relationships,
"Oh, I wanna do what she wants to do.
"I'm gonna hang out every weekend together.
"We moved in together and now we always
"get to see each other, yay"
Which is all good and fine,
obviously, want you guys to become a couple,
that's what most of this channel is based on.
But in becoming a couple, too many people lose
their sense of self,
there's being independent, there's being dependent,
and then there's being interdependent,
which means you too being able to
man your own boats separately
and go in the same direction,
as opposed to a lot of people
who jump ship into one shared boat
and then fight over who's gonna drive the fucking boat
and in what direction.
Pardon, I'm trying to yell less at you moving forward,
but you get the gist of it.
So with that said, easiest way to keep a woman wanting you
is to keep your own life.
No, I'm not saying be a dick and don't make any compromises
and don't create a shared life together,
that's just grounds for
getting fucked around on, to be honest.
Or getting left, realistically,
'cause who wants to be with a man
who doesn't wanna share their lives with us.
So keep to your own separate life,
share it with her in the boat right beside her,
and you'll be keeping that girl for as long as you want.
Thanks for watching as always guys.
And I'll see you next time.