The world can be a toxic place.
No one knows this more than women and girls,
cis and trans,
as well as nonbinary people.
I am a journalist
with 30 years’ experience
reporting on the injustices women and others face around the world.
I’m a co-founder of the Man Up Campaign
to energize youth activism against sexual and gender-based violence.
I’m a father to two daughters,
I’m a life partner to a woman
and I’m a Black man in America.
Holding these identities --
and many more --
I say this call to action to you
with the deepest sincerity
and utmost gravity.
It is time for a gender reckoning,
beginning with men authentically confronting our internal selves
and each other
through the toxicity within us.
Against the backdrop of Black Lives Matter protest,
cries for a racial reckoning have echoed throughout the world,
at times seeming premature
and largely misunderstood.
I believe a true gender reckoning must be the center
of any transformative movement for social justice and equity.
But what is a reckoning?
Dictionaries say it means to resolve a bill or a debt.
In other words, to settle an account.
In the case of women and girls,
what is the debt owed to them?
Who’s to pay it?
And how?
The consequences of male toxicity continue building
the debt to which I refer,
including, among others,
a gender wealth gap most affecting women who care for their families
as well as act as the primary income generators
for their households.
Today, in the United States and abroad,
threats to reproductive justice endanger the lives and hard-fought rights of women
in regards to their bodily, sexual and gender autonomy,
impacting the most disenfranchised community in society.
And violence against women,
in all of its forms,
still represents an existential challenge,
as we’ve seen domestic violence rise in the pandemic,
as people were confined to their homes,
we’ve seen online and public harassment flourish,
unabated.
The sexual trafficking,
prostitution,
exploitation of women and girls thrives as ever before.
From where does this toxicity come
and why?
Men are not endangered,
we’re not under assault,
we’re not being unfairly maligned.
In fact, it’s men, or certain types of masculinity, that are the issue.
To be clear,
being a man does not make me
or anyone else who identifies as a man
inherently toxic.
But masculinity,
in certain forms,
can harm women,
girls,
nonbinary people
and men
through violence,
dominating power
and control.
So how do we address this?
How can we men step up
and better support our daughters,
our sisters,
our female partners,
our colleagues, neighbors and friends?
Through what means can men both instigate and lead a gender reckoning?
First, we must tell the truth.
We must tell the truth.
Men grow into this world becoming who we’re expected to be
or who we think we’re expected to be
based on cultural expectations
and inaccurate historical narratives.
As a short, chubby Black kid wearing glasses growing up,
I was repeatedly told I cried too much.
I’m too emotional,
too soft.
It was ingrained in me that to prove my masculinity
I had to display physical prowess --
intimidation.
Because of that indoctrination,
as an adult,
I refused to seek help facing escalating health challenges,
including high blood pressure
and mental trauma.
The archetype of manhood nearly killed me.
I say that as a survivor of two heart attacks,
four years on dialysis
and a kidney transplant ...
aside from the physical risk I put myself into
covering wars around the world.
The injury we do to ourselves
and the women around us
comes from fear of losing control,
of lack of external affirmation
and simply out of shame.
Manhood is a spectrum of identities.
There is no one way to be a man.
And sometimes, discovering one’s true manhood is a lifelong journey.
Secondly,
we must be consistent.
Men,
especially men of color,
cannot expect women to stand up for us,
with us in the face of systemic oppressions
when too often we do not do the same for them.
(Applause and cheers)
(Applause)
The Black Lives Matter movement for example,
founded, named and led by queer women of color,
still centers Black men’s well-being
in the face of unfair policing
and criminal justice systems.
And where’s the reciprocal support from those men,
including myself,
in addressing intercommunity violence against women of color,
maternal health inequity,
economic disparity?
How and where do men show up for women?
I wonder ...
how many men stood with women on the steps of the US Supreme Court
as they fought for reproductive rights?
How many men should have been there?
Finally, there can be no reckoning without accountability.
There can be no reckoning without accountability.
Men who commit acts of violence against women must be held accountable
by formal systems of justice
as well as other men.
Silence in the face of misogynistic behavior and language is complicity.
We men need to break free from the pack,
take concrete actions to stop violence,
create safety
and build equity.
And most importantly,
say something.
To be sure,
bold men around us are actively working to disrupt the narrative of male toxicity.
After the 2010 earthquake in Haiti,
a local organization,
KOFAVIV,
invited men to be defenders of women and girls in displacement camps,
women and girls who were at risk of sexual assault.
Scores of men answered the call
and can continue to do so today.
In New York City,
CONNECT NYC,
led by a Black man,
actively engages community partners across civil society
to address family violence.
And in a profession not known generally for its advocacy against gender violence,
a professional player for the Washington Football Team
has become an unabashed advocate
for men to learn
and actively change behaviors regarding sexual and physical violence.
There is hope;
there is light.
Men around the world are putting in the work
to catalyze a true gender reckoning.
But far more are needed.
What I want to say to you today is this.
Too many of us --
too many men --
don’t understand
that equity,
justice,
inclusivity,
safety for women, girls and nonbinary people
serves and saves us all.
Broken masculinity harms societies,
full stop.
When we men reckon with that truth,
we will finally find our shared humanity.
Women,
girls,
nonbinary people,
men
standing together on equal footing
with mutual respect
in safe environments
is the greatest gender reckoning we can create.
Thank you.
(Applause and cheers)