Hello! So a couple months ago, I made a video called "Home",
which seemed to hit home with a lot of you guys. Probably because it was a bit more personal
than videos I usually make on my YouTube channel,
but also, there was this one topic that I touched upon a bit in the video
about my relationship with relationships and how I'm not really that good at it.
And the thing is, back then I didn't really know how everything worked with myself, but now...
I still don't.
I don't get it. You'd think that like, 26 years old...
You're going to have everything together up here.
You're going to know how to deal with people, how to deal with yourself,
how to control your brain, but you know what?
I just don't. I still don't really know who I am
and that's one of the most frustrating things out there.
You know, I always considered myself an optimist.
Like, in my brain, everything is going to go fine.
Even if stuff is crashing and burning around me,
I try to be as optimistic as possible in the worst situations.
But... As much as I say to myself I'm an optimist,
I feel like I'm either ridiculously optimistic or ridiculously pessimistic.
Like, there is no in between. There is no "mehh..."
There's like "Everything's going to be great!" or
"I'm going to die in a torpedo tornado." What?
I don't know. That would happen though because that's how pessimistic I am.
You know, this morning I was getting on a train to go to London
and I was stuck in Paris because I didn't have my visa!
What?! I-...I-
I pull out my wallet, that's the only place I put my visa.
My visa that's like super good and allows me to live and play in the UK. It's gone!
Where is it? Did I lose-
Everything starts to go crazy in my mind.
My friends have already left 'cause they're in the UQ- the UKQ- the UQ!
and so I'm here freaking out and the guy's like, "Where's your visa?"
And I'm like, "I don't-, I don't-, I don't know."
And I'm looking through and I'm thinking like maybe I dropped it on the way to Paris initially
and I start freaking out and thinking like "Now I'm never going to go to the UK again,
now I'm gonna get Michael Aranda'd here in Paris, I'm gonna have to get an AirBNB,
I don't know what's going to happen."
So, despite the fact that I think I'm very optimistic, here I am
going absolutely crazy thinking about the fact that I'm gonna be stuck in Paris.
Turns out, they did let me through because they were able to back check who I was.
They were like, "Don't you do this again."
I came home. There's my visa sitting on my bed.
What?? How did I leave home without a visa?
Only me, because the thing is, I am very forgetful.
It's really upsetting how many mistakes and how many times I break things
and I very much feel like I'm Eugene from "Hey Arnold". I'm always clumsy and breaking things.
"I'm ok!"
Except I'm never ok.
Things always make- I always make mistakes like that.
But that's just the physical side and the mental side with myself.
When it comes to other people and when it comes to relationships, I feel like I'm just as bad.
I'm not good necessarily at taking signals and I feel like,
and this is a word that I've just learned recently to describe myself
because one person has used it to describe me
and I originally went, "No, what are you talking about. That's not me at all. Crazy..."
And then another person used it and I went,
"Oh yeah, someone else told me that I'm probably like that, but I'm not. I know me."
And after the third person I began to realize there's a pattern here.
Am I self-defeatist?
Am I self-destructive? Is that the type of personality I have?
I feel like I am.
At one point during this visa fiasco,
Connie had said to me that it's almost like I will bad things to happen.
When something small, this little molehill, comes along
I go, "It's a mountain! IMMA DIE!
And it's almost like I want the bad things to happen. I don't.
I don't know why these things happen to me,
but maybe that's because inertly I just think I deserve bad things to happen to me.
That makes me sad. I don't think that's true,
but the same thing goes for me and relationships
and that's kinda, you know, the title of the video:
"Why I'm Single".
I feel like when I find someone, when I'm skirting, when I'm flirting,
when I'm doing the bidness, when I'm, you know, talking to ladies,
it turns out every single thing will get in the way.
Everything that could be a great thing turns out to be a brick wall to me.
I put up red flags out of anywhere and that's because
if you've seen my My Sexuality video, you know how I am
and I'm not interested in really dating anyone for the short term.
You could say, "Evan, why don't you live a little? Evan, why don't you have fun?"
But for me, if I don't see it lasting...
What's the point? What's the point of me getting involved with someone
if there's going to be heartbreak or sadness?
That sounds deep af.
I'm not trying to be deep. That's just sadly how my brain works.
And so, as soon as I go on a date with a girl who's lovely and enchanting,
if there's too many like red flags, that probably are no flags to you guys, right?
But for some reason, in my head I'm like, ooh, that's gonna come up
in three years time. Oh yeah, 'cause we're gonna get married.
We're gonna have kids. That's what I'm doi- *sighs*
And it's almost as if I'm also self-defeatist
in, not that I have a fear of commitment, but once I start dating someone,
it's almost like every single girl that I've ever slightly fancied
pops into my head like: Well, you know, we could've been really compatible .
but you had to go.
You know, I think it's just, maybe I haven't found the one.
Maybe in 8 years I just haven't found the one.
I mean, that's fine.
I feel like I'm happy with who I am, myself,
or at least I'm trying to be.
And I just still haven't found the right person.
"And when you find the right person, you'll know" is what they say.
I don't need the right person.
It'd be nice, but that's kinda why I've been single for so long.
And to illustrate this,
to close out, I have, of course, a funny date story.
I went on an outing with a girl the other day
and it was quite lovely. We had some wine, we chatted about old times
and it turns out, alright, it turns out we both had crushes on each other.
This was the greatest thing in my life really because
I always have crushes on everyone and it's never mutual.
This is a mutual crush.
Oh my god, this was the coolest thing in the world.
And so, though we had a bit too much wine I thought
What's the best place to sober up? This Jersey boy is taking you to Five Guys.
There's a Five Guys straight down the road.
We're getting some burgers. We're getting some fries.
We're chatting, we're chat- We make out.
What??
Oh, yes. Oh yes, the most romantic place to make out,
Evan, what's the one?
What's that? Five Guys? Really greasy burger place?
That's right. That's how ya boy does it.
So, we make out at Five Guys. Something to know about me...
I just- I hate PDA
It's gross and so as we're doing this, I'm like "We should not because...ew!"
Also, Five Guy-...ew.
And so like - But we're all like "oh, but we like each other".
And I'm like, "Ok, why don't we go back to mine."
So on our way back to mine, it's almost like every single intersection is making out.
Ok, TMI, I know.
I'm so glad no one knew me in the road and was like, "Is that Evan
making out with some girl?? Is that him!?
*whisper yelling* There's a statue! He's making out with a statue!"
There was a statue. I just couldn't stop.
I wanted to stop, but hey, there's a train coming. Making out.
We finally get back to mine and you think this is where the story kind of peters down,
but no no no no, because I have been talking up my bed for the last 3 hours
about how soft those sheets were
and just coincidentally, today was the day I decided to clean my sheets!
And so my sheets were freshly dried. And so we get to my bedroom
ready to just start making out and I'm like,
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We can't just- We can't just do that. I've gotta put my sheets on."
So we just take a break
and we just put my sheet on the bed
and then we have to roll up the duvet.
And if you've ever tried stuffing a duvet in a duvet cover,
how much effort it takes to get it right. At this point we're still sobering up like "uuuggghh!"
and then doing the little buttons. And doing the pillows
And then finally, everything looks good. I'm like,
"See...it's great..."
I don't really think we were in the mood to make out at that point. I mean,
I think we kissed once and went, "Oh...it's good..."
and then we went to sleep
Except for the fact that this person was like,
"I can't sleep without a light on."
And that was it. That was it. Red flag.
How am I supposed to sleep with someone forever if they have to have a light on?
Am I supposed to have like eye plugs? Or eye patches?
I can't do it. I can't- I sadly never saw that person again.
Despite the fact that they were very lovely and amazing and that is just an example of how I believe
I'm very stupid and self-defeatist and red-flaggy
and I know it sounds funny and I know it sounds like I'm making this up,
but I'm not and I wish I wasn't this way and I'm going to I think try and work to be better.
But I'm basically telling you these things because I want to know, please,
if there is anyone out there who is like me at all
in that they're always putting up brick walls in front of them
in relationships and maybe it's me trying to protect myself because I had a bad breakup when I was a kid.
I don't know. Tell me. Be my psychologist.
Leave me a comment and try and make me feel better.
But anyway, thanks for listening to my little rant
and me just unloading my personal information on you. I hope you appreciate that.
Maybe share some with me. I don't know. It's a two-way street.
If you want to subscribe I make new, cool videos every Sunday.
Who knows what you'll see next on the Evan Edinger channel?
But anyway thank you for watching and I hope you're able to help me and I hope you're having a nice day.
I'll se you next week. Good-bye.
[END MUSIC]
I feel like that's a typical episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm".
Like that's just me, like hold on. Let's make this bed first.