Welcome, welcome to the "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the election is five days away,
and President Trump is busy on the campaign trail.
At one of his rallies, he tried to describe
what would happen if Joe Biden wins.
Listen to this.
-If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school,
no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving,
no Christmas... -[ Crowd booing ]
-...and no Fourth of July together.
Other than that, you have a wonderful life.
-Yeah. Yeah, a wonderful life.
[as George Bailey] "Merry Christmas,
closed-down movie theaters!
Uh, w-- Merry Christmas, boarded-up schools!
Merry Christmas, abandoned gyms!"
[ Laughter ]
It's already a wonderful life, except every time a bell rings,
someone gets COVID.
[ Crew groaning ]
No Christmas?
Does Trump think he's running against Biden or the Grinch?
Later, Trump was like,
"A vote for Biden mean no Toyotathon!
No Happy Honda Days.
No Lexus December to Remember."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
According to Trump, electing Biden
will lead to riots in the streets,
an economy in the tank, and no holidays,
but, also, he's a sleepy politician
who can't get anything done.
But this is interesting. Today, Trump and Biden
were both campaigning down in Tampa, Florida.
People in Tampa were like, "Come on. We just
lost the World Series. Now we got to deal with this?"
I'm glad both guys were in the same place 'cause
it finally ends my uncle's conspiracy theory that Trump
and Biden are actually the same lizard person.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump went to Tampa. And this was nice --
he brought some frozen Nebraska supporters
so they could thaw out.
Isn't that nice?
As for Trump, you can tell his campaign
is low on money 'cause he asked Biden
if he wanted to split an Uber back to the airport.
In a new poll, I saw that Biden is up 4 points in Florida.
Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson claims that he has polls
that show Trump ahead, but they got lost in the mail.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, the other big story is the pandemic,
and it just came out that it's even affecting the Space Force.
Listen to this.
-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force
has tested positive for the coronavirus.
The Vice Chief of Space Operations,
General David D. Thompson, diagnosed yesterday.
-Yeah. I hope he's alright.
But I think the country will be okay.
Vice President of the Space Force
is like being the vice president of a darts league.
[ Laughter ]
But this is smart --
just to play it safe, the rest of the Space Force
will be working from home
instead of their usual strip-mall office.
[ Laughter ]
Why do I feel like we're one day away from hearing,
"My fellow Americans, the coronavirus is now in space.
Been one hell of a ride."
I like the way the anchor said "Space Force."
She was almost, like, mocking it or something, right?
-Together: Space Force!
[ Laughter ]
-Dave, could we -- Dave, can we play that
one more time and hear that again?
-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force
has tested positive...
[ Laughter ]
-Space Force!
[ Laughter ]
I saw that Bed Bath & Beyond just made a big announcement
about their famous coupons. Take a look.
-Bed Bath & Beyond planning to scale back these coupons
in an effort to boost profits
and be more competitive on pricing.
Don't worry, though --
the coupons promising 15% or 20% off,
they're not going away entirely.
They just might not appear in your mailbox quite as often.
-Ah. That's devastating
'cause now parents will have nothing to jam
in the corner of their kitchen counters.
Yep, in 2020, even your junk drawer
is going through an identity crisis.
"Without the coupons, who...am I?"
[ Laughter ]
It's kind of sad 'cause if Pottery Barn stops
sending catalogs, then there will be no more mail.
[ Laughter ]
Now, this is interesting --
Harley-Davidson just introduced something new,
and it's taking a lot of people by surprise. Watch this.
-Harley-Davidson has a new product.
It is an electric bike, but look at that.
It's not an electric motorcycle. It's an electric bicycle!
-Yeah, Moms heard that and were like,
"Yeah, it's still a no."
"But I'm 48!"
"Yeah, no."
I'm actually looking forward to seeing the first biker gang
that takes breaks for matcha-tea smoothies.
Yeah, you don't look quite as badass
in a Hell's Angels jacket
when you're riding Peewee Herman's bike.
[as Peewee] Hah-hah! [Giggles]
♪♪
No hands! No hands! Hah-hah! Hmm-hmm!
[Peewee giggle]
[ Questlove laughing ]
-Wait. Stop.
[ Laughter ]
-I broke him. I broke him. This is cool right here.
There's going to be a blue moon on Halloween this year.
So Denny's is celebrating by selling
a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with blue bread. Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Ah, yes, the classic color
everyone associates with Halloween -- blue.
[ Laughter ]
So, remember, even though Halloween is basically canceled,
you can still make it much, much worse.
But get this. Even though some people are skipping
Halloween, sales of candy and chocolate
are up more than 8% compared to last year.
Yep, the only chocolate bar that isn't selling well
is Hershey's Whatchamacovid.
[ Laughter ]
Not selling.
[ Applause ]
And, finally, you got see this.
To make trick-or-treating safer during the pandemic,
a lot of people have built candy cannons.
Candy cannons. Take a look at this.
-John Downs built this candy cannon.
He says it is designed to keep kids safe and socially distant.
The cannon is 12 feet tall.
At the press of a button, it uses a shop vacuum
to shoot the candy down the tube.
-That's a weird phrase.
"To keep trick-or-treating safe, we're introducing cannons."
[ Laughter ]
Personally, I'll be loading gumballs
into a pitching machine.
FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!
In other news, Candy Cannons will be dancing
on the main stage tonight
at Stiletto's in East Rutherford.
[ Laughter ]
We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody!