WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL,--
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HAPPY FRIDAY TO EVERYBODY HERE.
IS I HOPE YOU'RE ALL DOING WELL.
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER MY TUSSLE WITH COVID A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK.
IT'S GOT A LOCK TAME ON IT.
BUT THE VIRUS IS STILL OUT THERE.
CASE IN POINT: JON BATISTE IS NOT HERE AGAIN TONIGHT BECAUSE
HE'S CAUGHT COVID.
WE WISH HIM ALL THE BEST AND A SPEEDY RECOVERY.
LOVE JON, RIGHT?
THERE YOU GO.
LUCKILY, STAY HUMAN'S OWN LOUIS CATO HAS STEPPED IN.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO, RIGHT OVER THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
AND WHEN LOUIS IS NOT ON CAMERA, WE SEAL HIM IN TUPPERWARE, JUST
TO KEEP HIM FRESH.
WE HAVE TO AT THIS POINT.
WE'LL POKE SOME AIR HOLES.
BUT DESPITE THE COVID OF IT ALL, THE WORLD IS OPENING UP.
FOR EXAMPLE, OVER IN GERMANY, AFTER BEING CANCELLED FOR THE
PAST TWO YEARS, OKTOBERFEST WILL GO AHEAD IN 2022.
GOOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
BECAUSE AFTER TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC, MY BODY IS FIT ONLY
FOR LEDERHOSEN.
THE BEER FESTIVAL IS GOING ALL OUT FOR THEIR FIRST YEAR BACK.
ATTENDEES WILL GET TO SWIG BEER AND EAT SAUSAGES, PRETZEL, AND
PRK KNUCKLES.
AS MUNICH'S MAYOR SAID, "THERE WILL BE AN UNRESTRICTED
FESTIVAL, WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY GIVE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF
PLEASURE."
THAT'S ACTUALLY MUNICH'S TOWN MOTTO: "MUNICH: OUR SAUSAGES
WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURE!"
( APPLAUSE )
IT SOUNDS LESS SEXY IN GERMAN.
IT'S ALL ONE WORD.
KNOCKWURST-SEXEN-MACHEN-GE-BRING EN.
IT'S NOT JUST OKTOBERFEST.
AFTER PANDEMIC UPHEAVALS, TOMORROW WILL SEE A RETURN TO
WHAT'S BEING CALLED A "NORMAL KENTUCKY DERBY."
SO, TINY MEN ON GIANT HORSES BEING SCREAMED AT BY DRUNK WOMEN
IN ENORMOUS HATS.
YOU KNOW, NORMAL.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAVE A PRE-PANDEMIC FEEL, JUST WITH MORE PEOPLE ASKING THE
JOCKEYS, "PSST, CAN YOU SCORE ME SOME HORSE PASTE?
IF BEER AND HORSES AREN'T YOUR THING, YOU COULD TAKE A BEACH
VACAY, BECAUSE WITH THE SUMMER SEASON COMING UP, GREECE HAS
LIFTED IT'S COVID CURBS FOR TRAVELERS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS
FOR ANY BRIDES WHO WANT TO INVITE THREE MEN TO HER WEDDING
IN GREECE TO FIGURE OUT WHICH OF THEM IS HER REAL FATHER.
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, HERE IN THE STATES, COVID RESTRICTIONS AREN'T THE ONLY
THINGS BEING REMOVED, BECAUSE NANTUCKET RESIDENTS HAVE VOTED
TO MAKE ALL BEACHES TOPLESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S JUST LIKE THE FAMOUS LIMERICK: "THERE ONCE WAS A GAL
FROM NANTUCKET, WHO SAID OF HER SHIRT, 'I'LL UNTUCK IT.'
THEN SHE TOOK OFF HER BRA, WHILE SINGING TA-DAH, AND SAID,
'IF YOU'RE MAD YOU CAN SUCK IT.'"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT...
BUT JUST BECAUSE THINGS ARE OPENING UP DOESN'T MEAN COVID
ISN'T STILL SERIOUS.
RESEARCHERS HAVE RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT SEVERE COVID CAN
AGE THE BRAIN BY 20 YEARS.
NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, ONE SIGN THAT YOUR BRAIN HAS AGED 20
YEARS.
YOU'VE RECENTLY STARTED WATCHING CBS.
WELCOME.
REMEMBER: DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS, WATCH PLENTY OF "BLUE
BLOODS."
( LAUGHTER )
CASE OF COVID-19 CAN RESULT IN A LOSS OF MENTAL SHARPNESS
EQUIVALENT TO LOSING 10 I.Q.
POINTS.
AND PEOPLE WHO CHOSE NOT TO GET VACCINATED CAN'T AFFORD THOSE 10
POINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN DEVASTATING NEWS--
I GOTTA THINK.
IN DEVASTATING NEWS FOR PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK
TALKING TO AT A PARTY, N.F.T.
SALES ARE FLAT-LINING.
BUT WHY?
THEY SEEM LIKE SUCH A SOUND INVESTMENT!
"YOU SEE, IT'S A PICTURE-- WELL, IT'S A PICTURE OF A PICTURE, BUT
THE PICTURE OF THE PICTURE IS THE PICTURE.
AND IT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST, BUT I PROMISE THERE'S ONLY ONE OF
THEM-- UNLESS I DECIDE TO MAKE MORE.
LET'S START THE BIDDING AT $10 MILLION."
AND THOSE WHO GOT IN ON THIS PONZI SCHEME EARLY ARE ALSO
FEELING THE PINCH, BECAUSE MANY N.F.T. OWNERS ARE FINDING THEIR
INVESTMENTS ARE WORTH SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THAN WHEN
THEY BOUGHT THEM.
WHAT DOES "SIGNIFICANT" MEAN?
WELL, AN N.F.T. OF THE FIRST TWEET FROM TWITTER CO-FOUNDER
JACK DORSEY SOLD IN MARCH 2021 FOR $2.9 MILLION.
BUT WHEN IT WENT UP FOR AUCTION RECENTLY, THE HIGHEST BID CAME
IN AT $277.
HA( LAUGHTER ) WOW!
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LOSE VALUE THAT QUICKLY SINCE
KEVIN SPACEY'S OSCARS.
>> Audience: OH!
>> Stephen: REALLY?
REALLY?
TOO ROUGH ON KEVIN SPACEY?
YOU READ THE NEWS, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER )
DORSEY N.F.T. IS UNDETERRED, SAYING THAT THE DROP IN VALUE
WAS JUST A NORMAL FLUCTUATION THAT COULD OCCUR IN ANY MARKET,
AND THAT THE N.F.T. MARKET IS ONE THAT IS STILL DEVELOPING AND
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT HOW IT WILL LOOK IN A FEW YEARS.
AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I'VE GOT AN N.F.T. OF A BRIDGE I'D
LIKE TO SELL YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS--
THIS WEEK HAS BEEN FULL OF LEAKS, BUT NO DRIBBLE OF
INFORMATION IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A TERRIFYING NEW ANECDOTE ABOUT
FORMER PRESIDENT NAPOLEON BONERPILL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS-- THIS--
THE INFORMATION COMES TO US COURTESY OF A NEW BOOK BY
FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARY AND MAN SO PATRIOTIC HE'S GOT AN EAGLE
GROWING OUT OF HIS NECK, MARK ESPER.
BY THE WAY, SECRETARY ESPER WILL BE MY GUEST HERE ON "THE LATE
SHOW" NEXT TUESDAY.
PLEASE JOIN US.
IN HIS BOOK, ESPER RECALLS WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE
ADMINISTRATION ON JUNE 1, 2020, WHEN DEMONSTRATORS WERE GATHERED
AT LAFAYETTE SQUARE NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE TO PROTEST POLICE
ACTION IN THE DEATH OF GEORGE FLOYD.
AND TO ADDRESS THEIR CONCERNS ABOUT POLICE BRUTALITY, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT CALLED OUT THE NATIONAL GUARD TO HIT THE
CROWD WITH TEAR GAS AND RUBBER BULLETS SO HE COULD WALK ACROSS
THE STREET WITH ESPER IN TOW AND HOLD A BIBLE LIKE HE WAS
RETURNING A HAM SANDWICH TO THE DELI COUNTER.
I'M JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.
HE WOULD NEVER RETURN A SANDWICH.
BUT ACCORDING-- ( CLEARS THROAT )
BUT ACCORDING TO ESPER'S BOOK, THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST-CASE
SCENARIO.
ESPER WRITES THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FIRST ASKED HIS
DEFENSE SECRETARY, "CAN'T YOU JUST SHOOT THEM?
JUST SHOOT THEM IN THE LEGS OR SOMETHING?"
NOW, FOLKS, EVERY SO OFTEN, YOU LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT THAT
RANCID GARBAGE PILE THAT, UNBELIEVABLY, STILL SHOCKS YOU.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ASKED THE SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE TO USE THE MILITARY TO SHOOT PROTESTORS.
WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT NUKE THE PROTESTORS?
OH, WAIT, HE WAS SAVING THE NUKES TO STOP THE HURRICANES.
AND FOR THE RECORD: SHOOTING THEM IN THE LEGS DOES NOT MAKE
IT ANY BETTER.
LEGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP SOME OF MY FAVORITE BLOOD.
EVIDENTLY, HE LEARNED CROWD CONTROL FROM THIS TRAINING
VIDEO: >> ALL RIGHT NOW, YA WISE GUY,
DANCE!
( LAUGHTER )
WHILE-- I BELIEVE THAT WAS JOHN BOLTON.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE--
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE HEARD FROM FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND
DEPRESSED TESTICLE, RUDY GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER )
HOLDING DOWN A JOB THESE DAYS.
SO INSTEAD, HE'S ON CAMEO, A SERVICE WHERE, FOR A FEE, YOU
CAN GET A SHORT PERSONALIZED MESSAGE FROM A CELEBRITY.
OR FROM RUDY GIULIANI.
NOW, RECENTY, GIULIANI TOOK TO TWITTER TO PROMOTE HIS CAMEOS.
HE'S SINCE DELETED THE TWEET, BUT NOT BEFORE OUR FOOTAGE
WIZARDS SNAGGED THE VIDEO.
>> I'M RUDY GIULIANI.
IF YOU WANNA HAVE A REALLY NICE CONVERSATION OR A BIRTHDAY
GREETING, OR JUST TALK GOLF, GO TO THE LINK BELOW.
>> Stephen: (AS RUDY) "WE CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!
EVEN ABOUT HOW THOSE WHO ACTIVELY SEEK TO DESTROY THEIR
OWN COUNTRY FACE NO CONSEQUENCES, AND CAN RELAX ON A
GOLF COURSE, LOOKING LIKE A HAPPY LITTLE POTATO IN CULOTTES,
HAWKING BIRTHDAY GREETINGS FOR MERLOT MONEY!
CLICK BELOW!"
BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THAT LOOK?
HE'S LIKE A GRANDPA DRESSED UP AS A KID DRESSED UP AS A
GRANDPA.
( APPLAUSE )
HAPPENING DOWN HERE?
WHAT IS HAPPENING DOWN HERE?
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S WEARING SHORTS OR LONGS.
IT'S LIKE AN ADULT DIAPER AND A PAIR OF KHAKIS HAD A SECRET BABY
THEY HID IN THE ATTIC.
IT'S LIKE HE GRABBED SOME DOCKERS, AND WHEN THEY SAW WHO
WAS WEARING THEM, THEY TOOK THEIR OWN LIFE BEFORE THEY HIT
THE ANKLES.
HE LOOKS LIKE-- HE LOOKS LIKE THE NEW GERIATRIC MEMBER OF
BLINK 182.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
CHRIS O'DONNELL IS HERE, AND ELVIS COSTELLO TAKES THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE" Y'ALL, IT'S
"MEANWHILE."