I AM, AMONG OTHER THINGS, YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US, IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYONE
IN THE THEATER, OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO THE PEOPLE OF FLORIDA
RIGHT NOW. OF FLORIDA.
SOMETHING YOU CAN DO RIGHT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AWAY, GO TO THE
LATE SHOW'S TWITTER PAGE. WE HAVE PINNED A LIST OF
CHARITIES THAT ARE STANDING BY, RIGHT NOW, READY TO HELP,
BECAUSE HURRICANE IAN HAS RAVAGED THE STATE.
AND THEY NEED HELP. IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, FLORIDA
UNPRECEDENTED WINDS AND HAS BEEN HIT WITH RAINFALL, MASSIVE
FLOODING, AND AT ONE BOTANICAL GARDEN IN ST. PETERSBURG, A
GROUP OF FLAMINGOS HAD A "HURRICANE PARTY" IN THE
BATHROOM.
THEY ALL JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM AT THE SAME TIME?
THOSE FLAMINGOS ARE CLEARLY DOING COKE IN THERE.
FLORIDA, COME ON.
FLORIDIANS ARE FINDING CATFISH IN THEIR FRONT YARDS.
AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, THEY WERE NOWHERE NEAR AS HOT AS
THEIR PROFILE PICTURE.
THERE YOU GO. ♪ ♪ ♪
MAKE UP, GOTTA MAKE UP FOR IT. UNPRECEDENTED STORMS CALL FOR
UNPRECEDENTED STORM COVERAGE. AND BEFORE I SHOW YOU THIS CLIP
OF THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S JIM CANTORE, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU,
JIM CANTORE IS FINE. >> YOU CAN HARDLY SEE ANYTHING
OUT HERE. COUPLE PIECES OF DEBRIS, LOOKS
LIKE STYROFOAM, THINGS LIKE THAT THAT ARE UNDERNEATH THE ROOFING,
MAYBE IN THE ROOF. OOF!
JUST CAME FLYING BY. ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'M JUST GONNA COME IN HERE FOR A SECOND.
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND. >> JIM, YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> Stephen: (AS ANCHOR) "I HOPE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, JIM,
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO KEEP YOU OUT THERE FOR A WHILE.
THIS FOOTAGE IS AWESOME! NEXT TIME A BRANCH FLIES BY, ANY
CHANCE IT CAN HIT YOU IN THE NUTS?"
THIS IS GOLDEN TAPE, BUDDY! GOLDEN TAPE."
PARTICULARLY UNIQUE APPROACH
PROTECTING HER ELECTRIC EQUIPMENT WHEN SHE WRAPPED HER
MICROPHONE IN A CONDOM. WHICH PROMPTED SOME VIEWERS TO
A CONDOM ON A MICROPHONE IS COMPLAIN, "C'MON! LIKE
WATCHING THE NEWS WITH A RAINCOAT ON.
I WANT TO FEEL THE DISASTER!" THE REPORTER--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CREATIVE TECH: >> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING
WHAT IS ON MY MICROPHONE. IT IS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
IT'S A CONDOM. >> Stephen: TO WHICH LYING
VIRGINS RESPONDED, "UHHH, YEAH, DUH.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
IT'S FOR SEXING, WHICH I HAVE DONE.
ON THE COUNT OF THREE, LET'S BOTH SAY WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE:
1, 2, 3: POWDERY?"
POWDERY? MOVING OVER TO POLITICS, THE
MIDTERMS ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, AND ONE CANDIDATE NOT
DOING SO WELL IS PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICAN NOMINEE--
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) AND EGG WITH DENTURES, DOUG
MASTRIANO. MASTRIANO IS STRUGGLING IN THE
POLLS IN PART BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO POLITICAL SCIENTISTS, HE
SUCKS.
( APPLAUSE )
RIOT, HAS A LONG-STANDING ASSOCIATION WITH
CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST IDEAS, PROPOSED CHARGING WOMEN WHO
VIOLATE AN ABORTION BAN WITH MURDER, IS CONNECTED TO A SOCIAL
MEDIA SITE RUN BY A NOTORIOUS ANTI-SEMITE, AND WAS
PHOTOGRAPHED WEARING A CONFEDERATE UNIFORM.
BECAUSE, HISTORICALLY, NOTHING PROJECTS "WINNER" LIKE A
CONFEDERATE SOLDIER IN PENNSYLVANIA.
( LAUGHTER )
MASTRIANO'S POPULARITY WAS NEVER GREAT.
CASE IN POINT-- THIS WEEKEND NOW IT'S TANKING. HE
HELD WHAT HE PROMISED WOULD BE A "BIG RALLY," BUT ENDED UP
LOOKING LIKE THIS. OUCH.
NOT A GREAT SIGN WHEN YOUR RALLY HAS MORE STAIRS THAN PEOPLE.
HE'S ALSO BEEN WILDLY OUT -RAISED BY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, AND HE
SEEMS TO BE GETTING DESPERATE, BECAUSE YESTERDAY ON FACEBOOK,
HIS CAMPAIGN SHARED THIS PICTURE, DECLARING "40 DAYS OF
FASTING AND PRAYER." NOW, IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE HE'S
LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE. MIGHT BE BECAUSE HE CAN'T AFFORD
FOOD.
WILL NOT EAT OR PAY MY RENT." OF COURSE, BY FASTING FOR 40
DAYS, MASTRIANO IS FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF JESUS, WHICH
MAKES SENSE. BECAUSE JESUS WAS ALSO NEVER
GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA.
ANY MOMENT. >> Louis: ANY MOMENT.
YOU'RE RIGHT >> Stephen: ONE INTERESTING
WRINKLE: IT IS UNCLEAR WHO MASTRIANO EXPECTS TO START
FASTING ON THURSDAY. I HOPE HE DOESN'T MEAN ALL OF
HIS SUPPORTERS. THAT WOULD BE STARVATION FOR
TENS OF PEOPLE.
THERE'S A NEW AD FROM GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE--
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) AND HOLD FOR BOOING-- MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE. GREENE JUST DROPPED A PRETTY
STRANGE REELECTION COMMERCIAL. ♪ ♪ ♪
MAN, "THOR LOVE AND THUNDER" LOOKS AWFUL.
IT GOT EVEN WEIRDER WHEN SHE OPENED HER MOUTH:
>> WE'VE GOT SKYROCKETING INFLATION, HIGH DIESEL FUEL, AND
POLICY. DEMOCRATS AREN'T THE DEMOCRATS' AMERICA-LAST ONLY ONES
DESTROYING FARMERS' ABILITY TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE.
WE'VE GOT WILD HOGS DESTROYING FARMERS' FIELDS.
SO WE DECIDED TO GO HOG HUNTING. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: (BLEEP) YOU, HOG
♪ ♪ ♪ SO, TO CLARIFY HER ARGUMENT:
DEMOCRATS ARE HURTING FARMERS, SO SHE'S GOING TO OWN THE LIBS
BY SHOOTING FERAL PIGS FROM A HELICOPTER.
THIS AD IS LIKE READING A "MAD-LIB" SOMEBODY FILLED OUT
ON BATH SALTS: "DEMOCRATS ARE GUTTING YOUR
RIGHTS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA GUT?
FISH! REGISTER TODAY TO WIN A CHANCE
TO HELP ME MACHINE GUN SOCIALIST TROUT!"
IT MAY SEEM LIKE GREENE'S
THINGS, BUT IT'S ALL PART OF THE RICH TRADITION OF AMERICAN
POLITICS. WHO CAN FORGET RONALD REAGAN'S
CLASSIC CAMPAIGN AD: >> IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN
AMERICA. LET'S THROW A GRENADE IN A
PETTING ZOO! >> SHEEP ARE COMING!
>> I'M RONALD REAGAN, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
COME ON, RONNY! THE GIPPER!
( APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON ANOTHER SOUTHERN GRIFTER.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FORMER N.F. L. QUARTERBACK BRETT FAVRE, SEEN
HERE TRYING TO REMEMBER THE PSSWORD TO HIS SHOELACES.
( LAUGHTER )
VOLLEYBALL STADIUM AT THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN
WORKING TO DIVERT FUNDS FROM MISSISSIPPI BY ALLEGEDLY THE STATE'S
WELFARE PROGRAM. WOW.
TURNS OUT EVERY PICTURE OF BRETT FAVRE IS A DICK PIC.
( LAUGHTER )
REFERENCE, BUT IT STILL WORKS, STILL WORKS.
>> Louis: HOLDS UP. >> Stephen: IN ADDITION TO
MISDIRECTING FUNDS, THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI ALSO PAID FAVRE
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES, AND $1.1 MILLION TO MAKE FAVRE
NEVER GAVE THE SPEECHES. IMAGINE PAYING A MILLION DOLLARS
FOR A BRETT FAVRE SPEECH.
ME GET HIT REAL HARD, HEAD HURT, STEAL MONEY, I'M BET FARN.
THANK YOU. TOUCHDOWN!"
( APPLAUSE )
TO CATCH UP WITH MR. FAVRE. ON MONDAY SUFFICIENCY ANNOUNCED
HIS SIRIUS-XM SHOW HAS BEEN PLACED ON HOLD OVER THALSES.
( APPLAUSE )
NO BRETT FARVE ON XM RADIO? HOW WILL I LISTEN TO HIM WHILE
RENTING A TOYOTA COROLLA OR SIMILAR?
( LAUGHTER )
JUDGE HIT HIS 61st HOME RUN, TYING THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
RECORD.
IT WOULD TIE THE RECORD FOR LEAGUE RECORD. ALL
YEARS AGO, A BUNCH OF GUYS OF BASEBALL, BUT ABOUT 20 BROKE THE
RECORD AFTER TAKING SO MANY STEROIDS THEIR HEADS WOULDN'T
FIT IN THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT OF AN AIRPLANE.
BUT, ANYWAY, AARON JUDGE DID IT CLEAN.
AND LET'S CHECK OUT HIS MOMENT OF GLORY FROM LAST NIGHT.
>> AND THE 3-2. DEEP TO LEFT FIELD.
THIS COULD BE IT. SEE YA!
DONE IT. NUMBER 61!
HE'S BEEN CHASING HISTORY. AND NOW HE MAKES IT.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC. FANTASTIC.
OKAY, TWO THINGS ABOUT THAT. ONE, WOW.
TWO, EAGLE-EYED VIEWERS MIGHT NOTICE THAT A FAN NEARLY CAUGHT
AND IT WOULD BE MALPRACTICE AS THAT BALL. A
LATE-NIGHT HOST IF I DIDN'T MENTION THAT THE MAN WHO MISSED
THAT CATCH WAS NAMED FRANKIE LASAGNA.
IT'S FRANIS, FRANCISULAIA BUT
FRIENDS CALL ME FRANKIE. WHICH IS EITHER THE BEST NAME
I'VE EVER HEARD, OR THE WORST ALIAS IN THE HISTORY OF THE MOB.
( AS MOBSTER )
PIZZA, SAL CALZONE, OR HIS COUSIN, BOBBY UNLIMITED
BREADSTICKS." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
HEY, MY GUEST IS GEORGE TONIGHT! CLOONEY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"