Good morning, John! I'm back, and I'm officially a dad!
Which means that I can make a video that I've wanted to make for years,
but did not feel qualified, until this moment.
This... is 41 dad jokes, in under 4 minutes.
Now that I have a son, you might say I have a "dad bod", but I'd rather call it a "father figure."
I don't know if you know this, but I can cut through wood just by looking at it.
Yeah, I didn't believe it at first either, but I saw it with my own eyes.
You know what the loneliest cheese is?
Provolone.
Also, did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Yeah, it was terrible. The only thing left was the brie (debris).
I just found out my friend was dating a communist. He really should've noticed, there were so many red flags.
To the man who stole my thesaurus, I have NO WORDS for how angry I am!
You know, I've always hated elevators, which is why I've recently started taking steps to avoid them.
Hey, how long is dinner gonna be?
Oh, uh like, th—this long?
You know, I like to wear these leather shoes when I'm sneaking around at night.
'Cause they are literally made of hide.
I cannot wait for my son to one day say to me: "Dad, I think I have your sense of humor."
So that I can say to him: "You give that back!"
So, why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats?
'Cause if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
Hank 1: "Alright, uh, what are you doing?"
Hank 2: "I'm looking for Will Smith. He always leaves Fresh Prints."
I love how the Earth rotates; it really makes my day.
Hey, how does dinner smell?
Through its nose I guess?
Feeling cranky, baby?
There's a nap (an app) for that!
You know, I don't like Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves!
Hank 1: *Laughs*
Hank 2: Dude, what is so funny?
H1: Oh, I'm just looking at mountain ranges on Google Images. They are hill areas!
Oh, boiling water. You will be mist!
You know, I've realized that— *baby crying sound*
Aww, are you resisting arrest?
That's okay. I don't want them to accuse me of kidnapping.
Orion's Belt. Huge waste of space.
Get it? Like waist of space?
Yeah, I know I get it. It's not a great joke. I give it 3 stars.
Aww.
You're done with your nap? This is my baby.
Hey, how you doing?
Okay, we're gonna take you to mommy, sorry.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand eeeyyyeee.
Hank 1: What're you doing? What are you doing?
Hank 2: I'm uh, measuring your patience. Ow!
What do you get when you divide a poop into three pieces? Turds! You get turds!
How many sides does a circle have?
That is actually a really interesting ques—
Two! The outside and the inside.
Man, can I eat a quesadilla right now.
A whole case? Why don't you just start from one "dilla" and see how you feel from there?
Hey, how's the temperature out there?
It's pretty nice, you only need like a jean jacket.
Oh, so it's in the 80s?
What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach?
"Oh no! My shell!"
That's my Barack Obama impersonation. I've been working on it.
So, these two pharaohs, they farted at the same time.
Yeah, they had a toot In common.
Oh, son, I'm glad I'm not your math book. It has got so many problems!
What's the difference between a roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef.
[Awkward silence]
How do locomotives know where to go? They go through lots of training.
Hey you know where you can get chicken stock in bulk?
Yeah. The stock market.
Hank 1: Hey, what are you reading?
Hank 2: This? It's a mystery.
Hank 1: I mean, doesn't it say right on the cover?
One time I was at this really skeezy bus stop and there was a lobster with boobs.
Yeah, it was a busty crustacean at a crusty bus station.
Hank 1: Hey, do you serve fish here?
Hank 2: Yeah, we do.
Hank 1: Excellent, Dave will have the steak.
Oh, man, there's a hole in my shoe.
It's how I get my foot in it.
John, it was a real pat on the back for me when Organic Valley decided they were gonna sculpt me out of butter.
It was a dairy big deal for me.
It was a churning point in my life.
I... think it made me a butter man.
That actually is a thing that happened. Organic Valley sculpted me out of butter
because people voted on Twitter enough.
And finally, you know what my very first dad joke of dadhood was?
We were headed out, and he needed a new diaper, and so I was like, "I'm gonna change him real quick."
I put him on the changing table and I said, "Now what am I gonna change you into? A rhinoceros?"
And I was like, yes! I'm a dad! I made an embarrassing joke, and I got peed on, and I'm officially
a dad and I love it! John, I'll see you on Tuesday.
I cannot believe how many jokes videos I've made over the years. You can watch all of them, I made a playlist.
Boop de de boop do doo, bop!