Emily: Hi guys! Welcome back to my channel. In today's video, we're sharing ten lessons
that we've learned in ten years of marriage. Some of you will know we just celebrated our
ten year wedding anniversary, and we did the whole renewal and all that stuff, but someone
commented on one of those videos, "You should make a ten lessons in ten years." So this
one's for you, Louisa Melaine, I think that's how you say it, and like 260 people liked
that comment, so I was like, "It's quite a good idea." So, that's what we're doing today.
We had a chat last night about what we think we've learnt.
Matt: We had a chat?
Emily: I basically told him what we're going to do. No, just kidding!
Matt: Yeah, pretty much.
Emily: But that is actually point one.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:00:41] Do what you're told.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:00:42] Isn't it? No!
Emily: So, we'll just get straight into it. So, the first thing that I've definitely learned
in ten years of marriage is to just tell him what you want. That sounds really simple,
but I honestly didn't really know that for the first three to four years. Especially
when we had our first baby, I used to get really frustrated and annoyed, thinking, "why
isn't he just-"
Matt: Why can't I read your mind?
Emily: Yeah. Basically. I'd be like ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:01:11] Sorry.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:01:11] Why can't he just do that, or doesn't he just know to do that?
And then I think one day I was like, "Can you burp him? Yeah. Can you change him? Yeah.
Can you..."
Matt: [crosstalk 00:01:21] When he was five.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:01:21] No, but then you like ... I think as a woman, or as me, I'm
a quite sensitive person, I think ...
Matt: Quite.
Emily: I'm a very sensitive person. But if you were to just tell me, I'd almost maybe
take it offensively, but men just don't care. Men just do it.
Matt: Don't beat around the bush.
Emily: Yeah, if you're like, "Oh, can you just make dinner?" "Yeah." Or ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:01:44] Okay.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:01:45] Yeah.
Matt: Whoa whoa whoa whoa...
Emily: Do you prefer it if I just say?
Matt: Yeah, definitely yeah. Rather than you killing me in your head, and then not telling
me, and hating me even though I don't know what you're hating me for. Rather you tell
me what needs doing.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:01:59] Yeah. So just tell them.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:02:03] And we can deal with it.
Emily: Yeah. Tell them what you want.
Matt: I think I used to just be like, "What do you want?"
Emily: Yeah.
Matt: And then you shout at me [inaudible 00:02:08].
Emily: Well, sometimes I'd be like, you could let it build up, and then you know, raawwr!
Matt: No, I can tell when you something is ...
Emily: And he'd be like, "I didn't even know."
Matt: Well, I could tell when something's wrong with you, but I just need to know what
it is, because I'm like, "What is it?" And then I can like, deal with it. Oh, right.
Emily: Yeah. So that's the first thing.
Emily: The next thing that we've learnt in ten years of marriage is to sleep on it. If
you're having an argument or disagreement, and it's the end of the day, and the kids
are in bed, and you're tired, and you're moody, that's ...
Matt: And you don't know what she wants.
Emily: Sleep on it.
Matt: And she hasn't told you what she needs.
Emily: Yeah. No, but that is better, because you do wake up in like a different mood.
Matt: Yeah, I'm not that confrontational so like ...
Emily: No.
Matt: I always think if there's an argument to be had ...
Emily: [crosstalk 00:02:50] I'm not either, though.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:02:51]... get some sleep.
Emily: Yeah.
Matt: Three hours of it.
Emily: Or especially, like, when you have young kids, like sometimes you're just exhausted.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:02:57] Yeah, and you ...
Emily: [crosstalk 00:02:57] And you just need to, like ...
Matt: And then you talk to me like I'm the children, and I'm like, "Let's go to sleep."
And if you're still talking to me like I'm the child, we've done something wrong.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:03:06] Wait, this isn't an Emily therapy session.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:03:08] Then we'll have an argument. It's not?
Emily: No, but it is like, [inaudible 00:03:12] if anything, good to know.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:03:14] Yeah, yeah. I think if you have a night's sleep, and you think
about things, you rarely wake up in the morning, obviously you might be raging about something
else, wake up in the morning and have a row about something.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:03:23] Yeah.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:03:24] You've sort of thought it through and you're a bit more calm.
Emily: And, on that one, maybe learn your wife's cycle as well?
Matt: No, just tell him.
Emily: Yeah, or ...
Matt: Just tell him. I need to be told.
Emily: Tell him when it is your cycle, because I think-
Matt: [crosstalk 00:03:38] Because I can't write in my plan [inaudible 00:03:39].
Emily: No, but I think like, as a woman, when it is your cycle, you don't want to admit
that that's why ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:03:46] Yeah.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:03:46] ...you're acting bit different.
Matt: [inaudible 00:03:48]
Emily: The hormones are so strong, and then if you say to me, "Are you on your period?"
You're like, "What?!"
Matt: Yeah.
Emily: That makes it even worse, whereas, if you just admit, "Oh, I might be a bit moody,
because ..."
Matt: You know.
Emily: You know.
Matt: I think, yeah that's what I need is like a, "Oh, you know, next week is..." [inaudible
00:03:59]
Emily: Yeah.
Both: Ohhh!
Emily: The third thing that we've learnt in ten years of marriage is to be a team and
don't keep score. Which is hard sometimes.
Matt: Yeah, we live in a really balanced household, don't we? In regards to chores, 70% me, 30%
Emily, which is properly balanced. No, and the boys chip in and stuff, and I think if
you start tallying up, like, "Oh, what all I ..."
Emily: Yeah.
Matt: I've done it the last time, or like, "I've done [inaudible 00:04:33]." You'd say,
"Oh that's fine, because I've done 17."
Emily: Yeah.
Matt: It doesn't matter.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:04:37] Yeah.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:04:37] I know in your head sometimes you're like, [inaudible 00:04:39]
...
Emily: No but it is, it's really tempting sometimes to be like, I have done every night.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:04:43] Yeah.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:04:43] Like, with the baby, or, you know, I always do this, or I
always do that, but then it's actually like well, if he's doing something else equally
helpful ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:04:54] Yeah, well, the thing is ...
Emily: [crosstalk 00:04:55] ... to me, if it's in the household ...
Matt: Neither of us are going out, [inaudible 00:04:57]
Emily: [crosstalk 00:04:58] No.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:04:58] It's not like one of us is at home doing everything and the
other one's at a party.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:05:00] Yeah, it's just like ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:05:00] You're all worked in something constructive for the family,
like if it's work, you're doing something for the kids, [inaudible 00:05:07] you're
doing something, and you don't get much me time, and for us that's when we're in bed,
isn't it? We get a couple of hours.
Emily: And if you do stuff and then throw it in their face, it just doesn't work. It's
not helpful for anyone.
Matt: And again, if you sleep on it, you do forget about the fact that you've done all
the chores the day before and do them all again.
Emily: The fourth thing that we've learned is to know each other's strengths and weaknesses,
and that having differences is actually a really good thing, because then you balance
each other out. Like, you really like to plan certain things, I really like to plan certain
things, you have like little quirks, I do too.
Matt: Yeah.
Emily: Definitely. And if you know that about them, then you should just let them have it,
like if it's really important to them ...
Matt: Yeah, [inaudible 00:05:54].
Emily: Like, Matt's got a thing about driving, you always want to drive, don't you? And then
like, that's fine like that. I don't know. But I could be like, "Well, I want to drive
sometimes." But like, if it means a lot to you, I don't know.
Emily: We're going to London for the day, Matt's like, "Right, everybody give me their
train tickets." Yeah?
Matt: That's the dad in me.
Emily: That's the dad in- he likes to hold onto them, same with airports.
Matt: Don't trust Jackson [inaudible 00:06:20].
Emily: He wants to hold the passports. I could be like, bothered, and be like, "No, I'll
just have it." But if that ...
Matt: You ever lose your keys?
Emily: [crosstalk 00:06:29] You can just have it, like it's fine.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:06:29] You ever ask me if you can find something?
Emily: No, but I could be like, oh well, you know, I can, whatever. I don't know. Just
let it go.
Matt: Thanks for letting me have it.
Emily: No, but then also like, obviously I'm like a bit crazy about the kids. Aren't I?
And like, you know, they've not really had many sleepovers, or like nights away. Here's
one now.
Matt: Get out. Hey bubba.
Emily: Hi Kaykay. But you just understand that I am like, a bit weak when it comes to
that. Hello. Do you want to say hello? Caleb.
Matt: Me me me.
Emily: Say hi. This is Matt's clone.
Emily: Point number five is something that someone wrote in our wedding card. I can't
even remember who wrote it now, but it said, "If you treat them like you did in the beginning,
there will never be an end." And that's always stuck in my mind. If I ever feel like moaning
about something, I think, would I say something when we first met? Or, I don't know, like,
when you first met, would you treat them to like, a surprise gift or would you have a
date night? If you can try and keep it fresh.
Matt: Is that why you never say I smell bad? You kept it up pretty well.
Emily: No, but also, on this point is if when you met them, they were a certain way, then
I don't really think you can complain about it now, because Matt often, you get annoyed
that I have no direction, don't you? And I'm like, "Matt, I've never-"
Matt: I don't get annoyed though, do I?
Emily: [crosstalk 00:08:00] No, but you get frustrated.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:08:00] I joke about it.
Emily: You're like, "How does the map...?" And I'm like, "It's literally Japanese. I
don't know."
Matt: No, no, it's when you walk somewhere that you've just walked into, and you turn
right, and we knew you came from the other side.
Emily: I just have no direction.
Matt: Are you kidding?
Emily: I'm not even like, I'm fine to admit that.
Matt: Why you walking across [inaudible 00:08:03]?
Emily: But he like, sometimes it gets you, and I'm like, "You can't complain about it
when I've always been like this." I have no direction.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:08:16] Oh, I'm so happy [inaudible 00:08:28].
Emily: [crosstalk 00:08:28] You married me this way, and I can't change it.
Matt: You had direction when I married you.
Emily: No I didn't!
Emily: The sixth thing that we've learnt is that you'll definitely grow and change over
time, you need to grow together and you can't expect your partner to make you happy, because
you have to make yourself happy. But obviously, that is a part of it.
Matt: Yeah, but, you know.
Emily: They don't have to be responsible for your happiness, you can get a new hobby, you
can change your job, you can get fit yourself.
Matt: You just need support, don't you, from me? Like in whatever choices you do make.
You've still got your own life.
Emily: Because in the ten years that we've been married, my job's completely changed,
we've had three kids, our house is changed, my body's changed, everything's changed. But
it's all down to yourself, do you know what I mean?
Matt: Yeah, yeah.
Emily: Like I was unhappy in my job, so I was like, "Right, I need to change this."
Matt: There's only so much I can tell you, and it's change your job, but that's still
your decision to make. I didn't go into your work and say, "She quits."
Emily: [crosstalk 00:09:35] And same with like, fitness, like if I'm like feeling post
baby, or whatever, if you're feeling gross, Matt has never once said, "You might want
to cut back on the butter." You never have. He's never, literally ever, commented on my
body, either way, big or small. But you could have. I put on like, four stone when I'm pregnant.
Like, you could have.
Matt: Boop. Boop.
Emily: You never would have. But then it's down to me to fix that. It's not like [inaudible
00:10:07].
Matt: It's you that, yeah, but I don't see it half the time when you say it.
Emily: And it's not down to me to make you completely happy, like I'm some part of it,
but if you were unhappy ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:10:16] You just want support. Often like, you might be moaning about something,
you don't want me to just tell you the answer, you just want me to say, "Don't worry about
it, you're actually thinking the right way."
Emily: I think that is a tip for all men, as well. We don't actually want you to fix
our problems, we just want you to listen, if there's any men watching this, which there
probably is not.
Emily: The seventh thing we've learnt since we've been married is that parenting will
make you fall more in love. Well, it did for us anyway.
Matt: It's partly the challenges. The challenges make you stronger. Anything you do, there's
a challenge.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:10:51][inaudible 00:10:51]
Matt: [crosstalk 00:10:52] Once you get past it, you actually like, build something.
Emily: Yeah, so especially if you're early on in your marriage, and you're scared what
it's gonna do to it, like, for us, I think it made us stronger. And when we just renewed
our vows, I was thinking, like, when we actually got married, I love you so much more now.
Just because the bond you have with the kids.
Matt: Yeah, and like, you think that you're gonna have children, and you're lucky enough
to have them, but you don't actually know the emotions that that's gonna bring until
it happens, and you don't know about your partner, like what strengths they have, and
how good a parent they're going to be until it actually happens, and you don't realize
that you're attracted to them traits, and so on, as well, until it happens.
Emily: And then, on this point, we wanted to say as well, try to be on the same page
when it comes to parenting.
Matt: We pretty much are, but there's a few things that we probably still would do differently,
but we talk about it behind closed doors, and you have to be a bit amicable, and like,
"Right, okay."
Emily: Yeah. Don't ever disagree about parenting in front of the kids.
Matt: Yeah, just have your discussion later, so go with whatever decision is being made,
give them the look, the "we'll talk later" look.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:12:01] [inaudible 00:12:02]
Matt: [crosstalk 00:12:02] And then sleep on it.
Emily: And then have a word.
Matt: And then have a word.
Emily: The eighth thing we've learned is to schedule time for each other.
Matt: Pfft. What?!
Emily: We're actually really bad at this, we are so bad at this, but whenever we do
schedule time for each other ...
Matt: We don't like each other.
Emily: ... we feel a lot better. Like if we have a night away, or a date night. Like sometimes
people message me and they say, "How do you manage regular date nights?" And I'm actually
like, "We don't."
Matt: No, we just shout about it when we do, like it's a celebration.
Emily: Yeah, we really struggle with childcare, we solely rely on Matt's mum because all our
other family live in different countries, pretty much. So like, it's Matt's mum or,
that's pretty much it. So, yeah. It is really tricky for us, but then ...
Matt: [crosstalk 00:12:49] We signed up to it.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:12:50] ... having a good bedtime routine, like I feel like I see you
every night, because the kids go to bed at a good hour, we actually have two hours in
the evening where it's just you and me, so that probably helps.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:13:01] It's like a date.
Emily: It's basically like a date.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:13:03] Doing the laundry. [inaudible 00:13:04]
Emily: [crosstalk 00:13:04] Watching a Netflix series. But yes, schedule time? Yeah. And
also schedule me time. It sounds really bad, but like, you're fine if I'm gonna go for
a run, and you have the kids for half an hour.
Matt: And then she goes for an hour and a half, "Oh I did five miles." I'm like, "That's
not funny."
Emily: But yeah, but like, I don't know.
Matt: [crosstalk 00:13:28] We need to talk.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:13:28] Sometimes you just need a bit of time, don't you?
Matt: Yeah.
Emily: Either date time, or me time.
Emily: The ninth thing that we've learnt since we've been married is it's really nice to
make traditions, whether they be family traditions, or just couple traditions, it's nice. Something
really nice about, like, we have a Friday movie night, we always have an October holiday,
because we find that the most depressing time of the year.
Matt: Yeah, definitely.
Emily: We have like, Christmas traditions, we always go to Smith's for a date night.
Matt: My favorite restaurant.
Emily: I don't know. So, it's quite cute to like, create those little things.
Matt: You have loads of traditions you don't realize they are, but it's little things we
do, and stuff. And the boys remember it, it's what they're gonna remember when they grow
up as well. What you think are small things, to them, are things that they're going to
talk about when they're adults, like, "Oh, I remember we used to do this, we used to..."
Emily: [crosstalk 00:14:17] Like Friday movie night. Like all we give them is popcorn and
we put in a movie and it's like, they really look forward to it, don't they?
Matt: We just cheat them, because we send them up for an earlier bath.
Emily: Yeah they don't realize.
Matt: They can some of the time, but they just don't know it sucks.
Emily: [crosstalk 00:14:30] They just go with it.
Emily: And the last thing that we've learnt in ten years of marriage is to laugh. Hasn't
that kept us sane?
Matt: Definitely.
Emily: Yeah. So like, even, I keep going back to it, but that's probably one of our biggest
troubles, like, having a newborn. You would just crack jokes throughout, wouldn't you?
Matt: [crosstalk 00:14:52] Yeah, you have to.
Emily: Because we just wouldn't have survived if we didn't see the funny side. It was that
whole, like, if you don't laugh, you cry, it was literally like that. Like, fine line.
Matt: Or like, you wanted a fourth baby. It's like, if I don't humor it, I think we may
end up arguing a lot. Or like, we're having a really bad day with the kids, we're having
a hard time, and then I'll look at Emily and say, "Do you still want that fourth?"
Emily: Yeah, you do that a lot? Yeah, you rub that in my face, don't you?
Matt: Yes. You got to laugh.
Emily: Okay, so that is it for this video, I hope you enjoyed it and you liked our little
lessons that we've learnt. We're not like, some sort of marriage gurus, we're literally
just saying what we've learnt, so I hope you enjoyed it, I hope it was interesting, and
you enjoyed seeing Ryan Gosling again. You guys crack me up on Instagram.
Matt: Just call me Ryan.
Emily: Everyone's like, "Oh my God, he's so like Ryan Gosling!"
Matt: I'm not, at all.
Emily: I'm like, is he?
Matt: I didn't even know who he was.
Emily: No but some people sent me on messages side screens of Matt and Ryan, and when they
do that and you're wearing the same thing, I'm like, "Oh no, they do."
Matt: Then they Photoshop our faces on each other's bodies.
Emily: But anyway, thanks so much for watching and I'll see you in my next one. Bye!