Oh hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I'm talking about dipping the old pen in the
company ink. [Polka music plays].
This week's Ask Cristen question is coming from Stuff Mom Never Told You fan Caitlyn's
email and she wants to know a lot. 'I'd be really excited if you did a video about relationships
in the workplace.' And if you're wondering whether Caitlyn has a very vested interest
[bell chimes], Caitlyn really wants to date her boss. She goes on to say, 'I'm really
into him and so I'd love to see examples of people meeting at their jobs and especially
if one person was working a more "authoritative" position and things turning out well.' It's
understandable Caitlyn that you would be attracted to your boss, that these feelings would arise
because our feelings arise at work all of the time. There was a Business Insider survey
in fact that came out a couple years ago, I think it was 54% of respondents said that
they had had sex at some point with a coworker. And according to a Career Builder survey,
there is a lot of genuine lasting love that blossoms around the water cooler as well.
One in five of their survey respondents started dating in the office and then ended up getting
married. Huhhh, Caitlyn I know you're excited about me possibly making this video but I
think I'm going to disappoint you when I tell you I think it's a terrible idea to date your
boss. Any kind of advice that you read whether it is more professionally geared or personally
geared, you're probably going to hear the same thing, that it's not a very good idea,
a) because of legalities and company policies unless you're working at a really small company
and b) because of the inherent power imbalance that the relationship would be established
upon. That just leaves open a lot of room for potential pressure or coercion to happen
that if and let's be honest, when things go South, if your boss is also your ex, I would
assume that unless you two are just very mature, chill people [bell chimes], it could get a
little tense. And you, as the subordinate, have less power in that situation. Studies
also find that in these kind of office romance contexts, women bear the brunt of all the
negative gossip, they tend to attract more assumptions of using sex and romance to get
ahead, to get more power, to get favoritism, to get promotions, whatever it is. 'How in
the devil can I keep these rumors from getting started?' Regardless of your gender, if you're
a subordinate dating your boss whatever successes you might achieve or going to be negatively
judged, people will assume that it has to do with conflicts of interest, favoritism
and then on top of that, you get the double penalty of the sexist assumptions that women
in the workplace are only able to sleep their way to the top rather than accomplishing things
on their own two stilettos, am I right ladies? And it's also worth mentioning the issue of
sexual harassment. When a superior is dating a subordinate, their are generally concerns
about it being a consensual relationship because that boss could be using his or her authority
to be a little bit more coercive in his or her advances. 'Let's get some dinner and maybe
some sweet dessert and I'll explain an easier way to get these reports done.' The term sexual
harassment didn't even exist before 1975. These policies that have been put in place
to help protect us and actually help us especially as women get ahead were hard won and I think
that it's worth considering just sort of the, the broader ramifications of this kind of
thing. And if I was in Caitlyn's position and I had genuine feelings for my boss, my
boss had genuine feelings for me and we were like, 'Oh what are we going to do?', I would
bounce that ball into the boss's court. I want you to consider all of the risks and
come up with a business plan for this relationship, and that business plan might involve signing
something called a Cupid Contract that some companies enforce where you sign a legal document
saying listen this is a consensual relationship or that might involve one of you getting a
new job, getting a new position, getting as far away from each other on the company ladder
as possible. Now that I've Debbie Downer-ed that enough, I'm curious to hear from you
listeners, do you think it's ever acceptable to date a boss? Have you ever dated a boss
or are you a boss who has dated a subordinate? Let me know all the juicy details in the comments
below. And thanks as always to everybody who watched and commented on last week's Ask Cristen
video, 'Sad after sex?' Aaron commented, 'For me it's often a feeling of regret after sex,
like I didn't deserved to just have sex and feel good and that be all there is to it.
I think this stems from my intense desire to have a relationship and having sex outside
one isn't "ok" for me to do.' Chari said, 'I used to have this feeling strong after
masturbating as a kid and teen, but much less as an adult. I guess I'm just getting over
the cultural slut/king-shaming which surrounds us and hammers into our brains that women
who enjoy sexual stuff are bad, impure, ect. In my opinion this is one of the main reasons
for many women, same as internalized fatphobia and others which stops us from loving and
enjoying ourselves because the society insists we shouldn't unless we fit certain standards.'
Whether you're curious about post-coital blues, dating your boss or anything that comes to
your mind, be sure to ask me your questions so I can give you some answers.