At this point, America is so politically fractured,
there seems to be no turning back.
The great divide in American politics
shows no sign of closing...
or even quieting down.
Man: A Pew study finds 81% of voters
say they cannot agree with the other side on basic facts.
Exactly! We're all in our own little bubbles.
The liberals on the Coast and the major cities,
and the conservatives
in whatever the middle part is called.
The Center of --
Central America.
[ Laughter ]
Every so often, a part of America tries to secede,
but it hasn't happened yet because nobody really wants
to put the work in... until now.
What if we all came together to divide ourselves?
Split up the U.S. into independent nations
based on what really divides us.
For instance, abortion.
This year, several states have passed
highly restrictive abortion laws that punish women.
Now, I realize I'm not gonna change people's minds
when it comes to abortion.
So why don't you people
just [bleep] off to your own country?
And then you can not have all the abortions you want.
We'll call it Forced-Birthsylvania.
Then there's the issue of immigration.
When you come here, you have to spend at least four years
in Immigrant Corner, which is the Texas boot.
We'll give the immigrants plenty of space.
They can enjoy their well-kept lawns,
their very clean houses,
and their freshly picked fruit.
Feliz Navidad.
Then after your stay in Immigrant Corner,
you're probably gonna move to a more diverse city.
So we give you Diverse City.
That's New York City,
parts of L.A., and San Francisco.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
"Jim, how can the country be on opposite coasts?"
Obviously, Diverse City will be joined by a zip line.
[ Laughter ]
The trip will take 35 days.
Or you could just fly. We still have planes.
Next, the LGBTQ people
have faced discrimination for a long time,
so you guys can live wherever you want,
but you also get your own country.
We'll give you all the islands --
Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, Kokomo.
All yours. The Isles of Gay.
Next, Native Americans.
You were first here, so we're giving you Nevada.
You know, because of all the casinos and all that.
Also, you get Northern California,
so you get a nice beach.
It'll be great!
You can live there with running water
and all your other friends.
[ Laughter ]
We'll call this new country America.
[ Laughter ]
Now, black people, you've also had a rough time,
so let me offer you the South.
This is now Black Israel.
[ Laughter ]
You also have 10,000 free slaves,
white slaves from Birthsylvania.
There's a lot of babies there, and they're gonna need to work.
If you aborted them when I told you to,
they wouldn't be slaves!
You did this to yourself, Birthsylvania!
All right. There it is. The new America.
Well, shit. I guess I didn't fill the whole thing in.
Uh, okay. Let's add a few more places.
Fumetown USA down there. Fumetown.
For people who don't believe in global warming.
Use all the fossil fuels you want,
but you'll be living in a dome in Florida.
That'll suck when the water levels rise.
It'll be like a white-trash snow globe!
[ Laughter ]
Then there's Opioidia. Right?
See, you're not gonna solve the opioid crisis,
so you might as well make a country for it.
And its capital is gonna be called Oxycompton.
[ Laughter ]
Now, we'll call this middle part
CheeseBeerMayonnaiseVille.
This will be known as the Fat Belt.
And this part will be Jesus Heights.
And then Gaysia. That's just for gay Asians.
Just for gay Asians.
It's really just there because I like saying "Gaysia."
Gaysia.
Okay. I guess there's --
There's a few spots there I didn't really fill in.
So let's say those empty spots are just for, uh...
dogs.
There's a lot of stray dogs out there, dogs in shelters.
All the dogs get the rest of the space.
And that's how we all live together in harmony --
by getting as far the [bleep] away from each other
as possible.