and now it's time for bomb reviews with
Chester a our tonight's review guardians
of the galaxy I am bug Lord and this is
the greatest movie I've ever seen in my
life okay no spoilers
oh there's this guy named Andy from
parks and recreations oh boy I love this
show this movie's gonna be so funny and
it opens with his mother dying of cancer
and I think I got the wrong movie and
the mother is dying and she told him out
her and she's like take my hand son
and he's like no and then she dies
leaving this horrible crippling feeling
to scarred him for life and he started
to forcing oh I bet there is dad I'm
sorry
isn't this the movie with the giant
talking tree and the spaceships and the
green ladies did I confuse this with
Fault in Our Stars now they think about
they do have similar titles my god a
spaceship comes down it up touch him and
the boy is like where are you taking me
- [ __ ] land where aliens what to
take over the world and stop boy these
two things really don't go together you
should not like making up an alternate
reality to deal with the crisis of
losing my mother
I don't know but thousands of form
conspiracists say thank you you're
welcome daddy's four years later and he
turns into a really beefed up super
thief no seriously really beefed up like
I don't know what this guy did be he'd
kill the wizard and somehow used his
magic to get Arnold Schwarzenegger's
body the old Schwarzenegger not the
deflating balloon Schwarzenegger and
he's captured by an evil villain named
Ronan you see Ronan was in talks with
this peace treaty but his people got
screwed and so both him and his
daughters tried to take over the treaty
by going over the Pharos the evil Lord
of all is gonna use all his power - I
couldn't give a crap either cuz there's
a talking raccoon in the movie I mean
okay most times when I see a movie
there's a talking raccoon and if there
isn't one when you see a movie you got
get off that sobriety man try this new
stuff on the street is called talking
raccoon I mean it usually helps you see
talking horses and she's teamed up with
oh I forget the guys name he's a giant
tree he doesn't say that much except for
that one phrase what was it again oh yes
I'm back
and and they run into green aha you know
being in Hollywood it's only a matter of
time before she went green yeah but
there's this hard bet they're all trying
to get but Terry trying to get it get
all of them captured which kind of
happens a lot in this movie you could
call it capture the movie
oh wait that's the trailer for Fifty
Shades of Grey which didn't look nearly
as colorful as I thought by the way but
the raccoon has a plan he's like I have
escaped out of dozens of Prisons dozens
of time we will they have your
background record why did they put you
in stronger confinement I'm a talking
raccoon in an action movie that's your
biggest question I apologize talking
raccoon I never to a questioner Austin
isn't existing right hey can you sing
run with us from The Canadian cartoon
how does everybody somehow remember that
when they come across this other guy
called grave the thing and they're like
what's he thrown in here for never
wearing a shirt
he has Jacob I - sorry do not dude he
was just a metaphor for some reason my
species cannot understand that a force
also you like the conservative self that
was awfully one-sided make a joke about
the liberal left immediately I live with
the early protesting - joka haven't even
meet you hi all so they managed to break
out of the prison but gray the thing
calls Ronan directly to him so he can
get revenge why does he think he could
give revenge even though there's an
entire army that's trying to stop him
who cares there's a talking raccoon
it's novelties not going away anytime
soon so great a rug gets blown up and is
drifting in space and star and he goes
out and gives her his mask and somehow
neither their eyes explode and explode
because talking raccoon admitted you're
in pressure taking me seriously and they
get picked up by blue barrels brother
where's the annoying voice redneck who
never learns I'm gonna kill you okay but
don't dare okay so ramen steals the ore
from the collector a person who collects
all sorts of weird life from the
universe I collector where life from the
universe once until they collected me
and did experiments so Ron is gonna use
the order to destroy your life because
clearly no other Marvel villain would
ever want to do that can't one of these
villains just want to open up a bakery
and evil bakery to our heroes are like I
have a plan to defeat him but it'll mean
certain death for all of us which of
course is code for
maybe one of us Ivo Treebeard Vito mitri
see what I did there
so Romans giant ship is coming down to
destroy the city so there's only one
thing to do put all the ships on the
bottom and play space invaders no no
don't you where they are sure where
they're going to me but any Lord gets
the orb away from Ronan and yet somehow
it doesn't kill him
why oh look a sequel the end so
guardians of the galaxy was a lot of fun
even though I had no idea what was going
on I'm just glad that when I said look
at talking raku and somebody knew what I
was talking about maybe people will
finally see my talking iguana girls is
out talking iguana well he didn't mean
that
this is bum my lord saying come on come
on you can give me the money I promise
it'll go to keeping howard the duck out
of the next one guys yeah gotcha
I don't have change in here what's wrong
with me