Heya playa, have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you lacked a real
display of confidence?
Like somehow the person was easily able to pick up on the fact that you were shy, or
nervous, or awkward when talking to them?
If you've been there before, chances are you might be using one of these three confidence
killers in your conversations.
And every time you do, that person just sees right through you and knows that you're not
confident.
So, I wanna walk you through what they are, how to catch yourself when you're using them,
and what you need to say instead.
I've had a lot of discussions with people where they're asked me to look over their
conversations, or to read their text messages and to point out specifically what they said
that totally flatlined their conversation.
But what I tend to notice is that it's not just one line that they use. Most often, it's
them using a passive voice.
And I get it. Using a passive voice when you're talking to someone you like is safe.
You don't want to sound too aggressive or too forward with them because if you are,
you might push them away.
So, you're a little bit more hesitant. A little bit more worried. A little bit more conscientious
of what you're saying so that you don't rock the boat.
But the major problem there is that you're just not coming off as confident.
You're not showing them that you know what you want.
Instead, you're kind of just hiding behind the truth, hiding behind what you actually
want to say.
"Hey, I wanted to know. Are you doing anything this weekend?"
"No, I'm free. What did you have in mind?"
"Oh, I didn't expect that. I mean, yeah, I'm free too. Crazy right? We're both free on
the weekend..."
"Yea.. I mean. Did you want to hang out or something?"
"Hang out? Heh heh. Why would you assume that? I was just asking if you're free... You know,
that's all. People are free. You're free and I'm free. That's about it, gotta go that's
my time."
When you lead with your passive voice and never actively express what it is that you
want, yeah sure.
You may be sparing yourself from getting rejected or hurt by them but you're leaning more on
your insecurities, your doubts, and your fears.
And ultimately it's not going to allow you to feel more confident around them and it's
certainly not going to allow them to perceive you as more confident either.
And even if you feel confident enough to approach them and start a conversation, you still might
be using one of these three confidence killers when you talk to them so let's walk through
what they are.
Number one is, you ask them if you can ask them a question before you actually ask a
real question.
This is a weird one that people tend to do but I actually understand the reason behind
it.
By asking them first "Hey, is it ok if I ask you a question", you're being respectful of
their time, you're not being pushy and you're ultimately giving them the space to decide
if they want to talk to you.
But the problem here is that you're creating way more space than you need to between you
starting that conversation and you getting closer to them.
"Hey I want to ask you a question, is that ok?"
"Sure, what's your question?"
"Well, I want to ask you a question but I wanted to know first if it's ok if I asked
you that question so I asked you if I could ask you a question. Is that ok?"
"I think so... I mean, what's your question?"
"Well, you answered my first question by letting me know it's ok to ask you a question and
now I followed up and asked you if I could ask you a question. You said that was ok too
so I have a real question that I want to ask you so are we good? Can I ask you it?"
"Yes, just ask the question. Why didn't you just ask it in the beginning?"
"Well, now that you've asked a question I feel like I should answer your question before
I ask my question. I mean, I feel like that's unfair."
"Ugh, just ask your question. Just ask it!"
"Fine fine. My question is... how's your day going?"
"Why the heck would you build something up... my days going fine. It's going fine."
Now obviously that's an exaggeration but I think that by asking first if you can ask
a question, you're just downplaying your confidence.
You're showing them that you kind of unsure about what you want to ask them when in reality
you could just say something like "Hey, let me get your opinion on something" or "Hey,
what do you think about this".
By coming forward with it and just outright saying it, you're showing that you're certain
about your question, you know what you want to ask and you know you want to ask them.
Confidence killer number two that you might be using in conversations is apologizing to
someone for talking to them before you start the conversation.
This is something I tend to see happen a lot. People feel they need to lead in with something
like "I'm sorry for bothering you" or "I'm sorry for wasting your time".
"Hey, you got a minute to chat? I'm really sorry for wasting your time. I just wanted
to ask you a question."
"Yea sure, I got a minute or two. What did you want to ask me?"
"A minute or two? Ok, that's like 60 to 120 seconds. I I mean, if I ask you my question
is it going to take that long or what if it goes on longer? Are you going to feel obligated
to stay in the conversation because my question went longer?"
"I mean you could just ask it. I have to go soon but I can probably chat really quickly
so what's on your mind?"
"Really quickly? Not just quickly? I mean you put really in the conversation for a reason.
Oh boy I feel so bad not for taking up your time. I shouldn't be wasting your time like
this. I know that you're a busy person, I'm really sorry for bothering you. I.. you know,
we're almost done with the two minutes here. I feel like... do you feel like it's hot in
here? I feel like it's hot in here. Is it just me?"
"Alright well, I mean. I gotta head out but it was nice talking to you I guess?"
"Yeah yeah definitely. And I'm really sorry for taking up so much of your time. I know
you're super busy and all and I'm just really sorry about that."
"Alright I mean, I'm pretty sure you could have asked me what you wanted to ask me but
now I'm heading out so I think we're going to have to wait till next time..."
More often than not, if you're apologizing at the beginning of the conversation it's
not because you want to be conscious of their time.
It's usually because you don't feel confident in what it is that you're bringing to the
conversation.
You don't feel like what you have to ask brings value and you don't feel like you saying is
something that they should genuinely care about.
I know your intention is to be respectful but most likely it's your insecurities that
are steering the ship so take a step back and reflect on that.
Ask yourself, do I feel like what I have to share matters?
Do I feel like my voice matters?
Do I feel like I matter?
If the answer is no, it's not really about them.
You need to circle back and focus on yourself.
Confidence killer number three, I see this happen all the time.
You're interrupting your own stories to downplay their value.
As you're sharing something what that person, you might start to feel insecure about the
fact that you're sharing it.
You might feel like they don't care about it, they're not interested and you're wasting
both of your time so as you're telling that story you just make it sound like it's not
important.
"Hey, I wanted to tell you about something funny that happened to me the other day."
"Oh yea? What is it? What was so funny?"
"Oh... I wasn't expecting that. Well, you know. It's kind of one of those things where
you had to be there for it to be funny like I don't think you're going to find it funny,
you know like, if I share it you might not even find it funny. You know, it's just something
me and my friends found funny when it happened."
"Oh, ok. So what happened exactly?"
"Well you know I was walking and my friend found an empty pizza box. Um, you know now
that I'm saying it out loud it kind of. It just kind of doesn't sound funny. So yea,
he was walking with an empty pizza box and pretending like it was a real pizza and...
uh. You know it's not really that funny."
"Oh ok, I mean, did you guys prank someone or... what did you do with the empty pizza
box?"
"He was kind of walking with it and when people would walk by he would... he would pretend
to trip and act like he smashed his pizza but there was no.. its kind of stupid. The
story is not even funny. You kind of had to be there for it to be funny."
"That sounds kind of funny I guess."
"See, I knew I shouldn't have told you cause it's... you know... you really had to be there
for it to be funny. In fact, forget it, it was stupid. It was not even funny, it was
kind of stupid actually. It was... oh I'm blowing this aren't I?"
If you don't see merit in the things that you want to share, how could that other person
possibly see it?
Part of being confident is feeling like the value that you have to bring to the table
is worth listening to, is worth caring about, and is worth sharing with that other person.
But if you just doubt yourself and you feel like the things you're saying are just dumb
and stupid and a waste of time, that person is never going to feel like you're confident
in what you're sharing.
I know it's not easy to always be as confident as everyone says it is.
You might feel intimidated by the person you're talking to.
Maybe they're more popular than you or super attractive or you're just surrounded by a
group of friends and you're put on the spot to share what you want to share.
Real confidence starts within.
You first need to believe that you have what it takes to be somebody great.
And look, you may come across people that don't care what you have to say or that thing
your story is boring or that actually interrupt you because they have to leave.
It doesn't mean that what you're saying doesn't matter.
That real confidence is going to stem from you. Not from them, not from the outside world,
from you.
So try your best to catch yourself when you're using your passive voice.
When you're not actually saying it is what you want to say.
When you're telling yourself that what you have to say is dumb and stupid, toss that
negative voice aside and say hey listen.
The confident me is gonna come out here.
The confident me is gonna show them what I want to say.
The confident me is going to be proud of who I am because of who I am.
Not because of anyone else's judgment of me.
You have what it takes to be a confident person. I know that deep down inside.
And I want you to know that too.
On that notes, I'll catch you next time.
As always, love and peace.