It is actually possible to save your marriage
while you're separated. Do these things. I think it will make a big difference.
It's easy to get sucked into kind of a desperate mode when a separation occurs. But there are some
specific things you can do. We'll even address that desperation and there's 2 of these 5
steps that might surprise you a little bit. Hang in there with me and I'll walk you through all 5.
Probably, right out of the shoot it's really important to understand a little bit about
neurophysiology because your brain is designed to keep you safe. And anytime it picks up on threat,
it kicks you into what's called the fight-or-flight response. Now, when I say fight,
that's gonna sound familiar, right? But flight also, when we just want to escape
from or get away from something. The fight-or-flight response
is designed to keep us safe, to keep us alive for another day. But it kicks in whether or not
it's a real threat. As long as it's perceived, it works. And it triggers this response in our body.
Here's what I've learned about that: hurt people hurt people. Think about that.
People who are hurt react in ways that actually hurt other people. Hurt people hurt people. So,
one of the most important things we can do is to understand our own fight-or-flight response
because when we feel threatened, we're more likely to do things that are going to actually make it
worse. This is true within a marriage or family relationship. It's especially true if there's some
conflict there that has caused the separation. Track this, notice it. You're never wrong about
how you feel but you need to be aware of how you feel so that we can monitor that fight-or-flight
response. And hopefully, get you into a position where you can respond in ways that don't actually
make it worse. Now that I've called that to your attention I would suggest that you try a few
things. In fact, start with breathing. I know. It sounds simple but it's really powerful too.
Take a few minutes to do a little breathing exercise where you breathe in through your nose...
Fill up your lungs, stretch it a little bit, and then hold just for a few seconds. And then
release very slowly through your mouth. Push your lips like you're blowing out birthday candles.
Nice and slow. If you'll do a nice, slow release and repeat that 2, 3, 4 even
5 times just cycle through in through the nose, hold, out through the mouth. What that will do
is create a calming effect in your brain which will reduce the fight-or-flight response
and put you in position where you can do some of the other things that I'm about to share with you.
Now that you're connected with that fight-or-flight response,
notice this: You have blaming attitudes. And step 2 is to become very aware of your own blaming
attitudes. You probably have them. This is normal and natural when something happens that
disrupts a relationship, it's really normal to point the finger. But it's not helpful.
This is part of what I call a victim mindset. And this is dangerous for you. Forget what it does to
your relationship for just a minute. This puts you in a position that is not empowered. Take a look
at them and just notice them. "Where am I blaming my spouse? Where am I pointing the finger or
determining that someone else is responsible for the things that are happening here?" Just become
aware of it and I'm not even asking you to change it at this point but to be aware of it. Bring it
to your attention and that will put you back in a position and power. Third, drop the desperation.
And the demanding, and the disparaging. It's really natural when people separate,
there's grievances, right? I mean, there's reasons why this happened in the first place. What that
does is it typically sucks people in to a very destructive dynamic where they start to blame and
bad mouth their partner, their spouse, the person that they're separated from. It's not helping
and it's not attractive either. We got to drop that if we really want to have a shot at saving
the relationship. Let me talk specifically about the desperation piece. I mentioned in the first
point that there's this fight-or-flight response that we have. Part of that response puts us in
position where we desperately try to cling to or force or demand certain things to happen.
And that actually triggers the fight-or-flight response in the other person when they see
us doing that. Desperation is not attractive. Maintain your integrity. You want to come through
this feeling good about how you handled it. And this also starts to create a dilemma. I'm going
to come back to that in one of our other points. Hold your ground, stick to principle, be kind,
be nice. Sounds like kindergarten, doesn't it? You know, I was reading a book by Mark Gungor.
Mark is an amazing counselor and very funny presenter. You may have seen a video from him
here on YouTube several years ago called A Tale of 2 brains, go look it up if you want a good laugh.
He also summarized what you need to do to improve a relationship in 2 words.
"Be nice". Can we do that? Remember, if you're in your fight-or-flight response, you're going
to react in ways that are going to hurt people. This is an important time for you to drop the
desperation, the demanding, and the disparaging. Maintain your integrity and hold the course.
This fourth step is really crucial and one that a lot of people get wrong. Here it is:
Work on yourself without regard to the outcomes or the potential outcomes as
it relates to the relationship. This is where people go wrong with this. They think, "Okay,
I'm going to do better. I will improve. I will fix those things that my spouse told me that
they really want me to fix." Okay, that's all fine and dandy. But the problem is if you're doing it
to get that person back it tends to have the opposite effect. And I've interviewed people
on both sides of the equation here, okay? People who tell me, "Hey, I'm going to do
this thing to improve my life'". Okay, awesome. Why? "Because then maybe she'll come back to me."
Alright. That's what just spoiled it. What if you were to do that thing that's going to improve
your life no matter what. Ask yourself this: "Would i be doing this if there were no chance
of fixing the relationship?" And if you can answer yes to that, then you're truly doing it
for yourself, to work on yourself. Look, you're going to need the improvements
that you're promising yourself you'll make whether or not the relationship survives.
Now, this is a little bit of a paradox because as you let go of that reason for doing the things
that you feel motivated to do right now,in terms of self-improvement, as you let go of that reason,
you actually increase the odds, the chances of bringing this relationship back together.
But you can't do it for that purpose because that's what spoils it. That's the paradox.
It's like you have to realize you don't need it in order to give yourself the best
chance to receive it. Now, at this point, you might be wondering, "Well, what do I work on?"
You probably already know a few things, okay? And just call your mind back to the times when
it was shouted loudly in your face what you need to improve. And without becoming too defensive,
just consider some of the truth of what that might have told you. That'll give you some clues. If
you're still not sure what to work on, I would suggest that you work on 9 specific principles.
I've covered some of those in other videos but I also wanted to give you a heads up to a resource
that will help you to work on yourself no matter what. And it's Live On Purpose Central.
I'll tell you more about that at the end of the video but you can check it out right now
at go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We'll come back to that at the end. Here's
the fifth thing that you want to do. Create a dilemma. Now notice, when people separate,
they start to generate stories in their mind. You do it too. And everybody else
who gets involved in a separation has a story in their mind about why this is happening,
who's to blame, all the things that go into the stories. And honestly, they're just stories.
I did child custody evaluations for the court for 13 years in my career. And I've heard a lot
of stories. And guess what? His story different from hers. Huh! Big surprise. It was my job to
go in and listen to all the stories and decide what's really happening. What's really true?
And most of the time it was something different from either of the stories. So,
consider for just a minute that there's probably a story about you lurking out there,
right? Not too hard to imagine. You want to create a dilemma. In other words,
show up as that person who is completely different from whatever story's been created about you.
Completely different, okay? So, what might the story be? The story might be, "Oh, master
manipulator". Yeah, I heard that phrase more times than I want to count. It might be mentally ill,
it might be out of control, it might be full of rage and anger, okay? These are the stories that
people create when they get separated because there's a cognitive dissonance that happens.
This is a psychological term that basically means what we believe and what we experience don't
match. And so your brain tries to bring it into alignment. It's not okay in most people's minds
to be separated from a really awesome person. No. Cognitive dissonance. So,
the stories kick in to create this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person
that I'm separated from. Don't be that person. Don't defend that person either. Really,
it's a case of mistaken identity. That person is not a real person. It's someone that they made
up in their story, okay? So, you don't have to be defensive because it's not you. It's just a little
case of identity theft going on. So, you show up as someone who is completely different from
the story that's being created about you. You show up with integrity, with the character
and honesty and forgiveness and compassion that is true for you anyway. This is the kind of
person that you are. Show up that way. Create that dilemma so that the story doesn't match.
That's a powerful strategy. Here's another way to think about that. Be the spouse you deserve,
the one you want, the one you're longing for. You be that spouse. Most people are sitting around
waiting for somebody else to change. Initiate it. You be the spouse that you want to have.
I mentioned earlier that I'd come back to Live On Purpose Central. This is a group of
resources that we put together to help you with your personal development. It'll help
with the relationships too. It's primarily for you to work on your own mental hygiene. Come to
go.liveonpurposecentral.com and you'll see what I'm talking about. Hope to see you there soon.