No, the only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog.
Yeah. Had to find her a new home.
Well, I finally had to admit that she was fucking crazy.
I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah, it was one of these fucking dogs, man.
It tried to kill both of my parents. It tried to kill my father-in-law.
It bit one of my friends.
I'd have family come over, friends or whatever,
we'd have to stick it in the back room, like, lock the door.
For the first hour, it'd just be throwing itself up against the door.
"I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers! I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"
Looking under the door, "I can see your feet!
I know what you smell like!
I'll follow you home. I'll find you. I'll fucking kill all of you!"
And we were just in total denial,
like, "No, she's just a little, you know, a little scared... 'cause she was abused."
And we got, like, a trainer and all of that shit,
and he finally said, "Listen, man, this is one of these dogs
nature said no to, but people said yes to."
So I'm like, "Jesus Christ, you could've told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago!"
You know?
So now my wife, she's five months pregnant,
she's six months, seven, eight months pregnant.
It's just the fucking... this thing just hanging over my head,
and finally I said to my wife, "We gotta do something about this."
I'm not gonna be this guy in the news, being like, "Well, you know, uh,
the dog loved me and my wife, so I figured it'd be all right
to let it sleep near the bassinet.
And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning..."
Yeah. I wasn't gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right?
I gotta get rid of this thing.
So we called my trainer, and he goes, "All right, I'll take it."
Okay, thank God they're not gonna put the dog down or anything like that,
so I'm like, "Thank God." So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."
And it was very sad because we both loved this dog, like,
with all our hearts, right?
And what amazed me, though, was over that week,
the way my wife handled grief versus me.
It was so mature. She just, like, took it on.
I just went into denial. I was just like, "Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,
so I'm not gonna think about it."
And I just called the dog up on the bed, started petting her
and lashing out at people for no fucking reason. Right?
My wife just went into the bathroom that night. She was brushing her teeth.
I could just hear her quietly crying.
[weeping]
I swear to God, I was on the bed, and I literally... I got mad at her.
I didn't yell at her. Just... I had it just internal, you know?
And I was just thinking, like, "Why is she having the proper emotion
in this fucking moment?
Why isn't she just blocking it out the fucking way I am?" Right?
"Just don't deal with it till you fucking give it away,
and then just start yelling at people. The way I do." Right?
That's what we did. I blocked it out, and every night, she would cry a bit more.
The whole week... [weeping]
Till the night before, she's like... [sobs loudly]
Right? And what I didn't realize was she had cried herself into acceptance.
And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line.
And there's a knock at the door, and she goes, "Okay, he's here. Go get the dog."
And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!" And she popped her head up,
and I saw her wagging her fucking tail, and all of a sudden,
eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up, and I was like,
"Oh, fuck, not now! Not now!"
So I just pushed it down. [grunts]
I just walked at her like some weird game show host.
"Hey, how are you? I'm smiling for no reason, all right?
Now we're going for a walk. I'm just gonna say what we're doing
so I don't think about what I'm feeling."
And I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner,
pet her on the head, didn't even look her in the eye,
'cause I knew I couldn't, and just turned around
and walked away from something that I had loved
more than I had loved anything in my life up to that point.
Don't tell my wife. All right?
[laughter]
Then I come back into the house.
She's just looking at me. She knows I'm out of my fucking mind.
She's like, "Are you okay? Everything all right?
Wanna talk about it? We could go get something to eat?"
I'm like, "No, I'm fine. Sometimes, you have to be up here and think logical,
and not be in your heart. I'm just gonna go into the bathroom for a second."
And I went in, and I closed the door, and for 0.8 seconds,
cried like a little boy, before I put the lid back on the jar.
Fastened it back and just added it to the shelf of anger
that sits in every man's chest.
Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
And I couldn't help but wonder in that moment who that I love in my life
is gonna pay for that in the future.
[laughter]