- Oh, it's coming this way.
Be very still and it might not see us.
No, we're done for.
It's stopping.
- All right.
- [Sandy] Hey.
- [Kath] You're late.
- You're boring.
- You're joking aren't you?
- I wasn't, but go on, what have you got?
- It's distribution day.
- No I mean, why would you think I was joking
about you being boring?
Have you got a counter argument or?
- You don't take any shit off him, all right?
I don't, because I'm not weak like him.
I've got a good feature for you.
- No you haven't.
- [Kath] Rude.
You haven't even heard it yet.
- [Tony] No need.
- Crystals.
- Told ya.
- Their healing power.
(chuckles)
- They're bullshit.
- You're so narrow minded.
- [Tony] No.
- You don't believe in anything.
- Yes I do.
- Thought you were atheist.
- Yeah, doesn't mean I don't believe in anything, does it?
It means I don't believe in any god.
- Why is it empty?
- What do you mean?
- Well usually there's like a romantic scene
or a castle or something inside.
- Right, yeah, this is one of them that
you're meant to put a photo of a loved one in,
but I haven't met anyone though.
How can you not believe in God?
- [Tony] Which one?
- What do you mean?
- Well, Zeus?
- Who?
- Greek god.
Or Ra or Ganesh.
- No, not those ones, the real one in the Bible.
- Yahweh.
- Just god.
- Well you know how you don't believe in
all those other gods I mentioned,
that's how I don't believe in yours.
- How can you not believe that someone
created all this, though?
- Why do you believe that someone created it all?
- 'Cause it's so good.
Can't just be chance, can it?
What the Big Bang?
Everything came from nothing.
That's impossible.
- You're right, god did it.
- Right.
- So where did god come from?
- He's always been around.
- There you go, easy ennit?
- [Kath] Right.
- Go on.
- If you're atheist.
- [Tony] I am.
- And you don't believe in an afterlife.
- [Tony] I don't.
- If you don't believe in heaven and hell and all that,
why don't you just go round raping and murdering
as much as you want?
- I do.
- What?
- I do go around raping and murdering as much as I want.
Which is not at all.
- 'Cause he's got a conscience.
- Well, if death is just the end, what's the point?
- [Tony] What's the point in what?
- Living.
Might as well just kill yourself.
- So if you're watching a movie,
and you're really enjoying it, summat with Kevin Hart in,
and someone puts out that this'll end eventually.
Do you just go, "Oh, forget it then, what's the point?"
And just turn it off?
- No, 'cause I can watch it again.
- Give me some examples of the things you love.
- Having a laugh.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You've seen the birthday cards I buy people.
Funny memes I show around on Twitter.
Kevin Hart.
I've watched Ride Along 2 five times.
- Well you haven't wasted your life then.
- Definitely not, no.
Love Kevin Hart.
Everything about him.
His humor, his comedy, his films.
- Comedy films, mainly.
- Mainly, yeah.
- Yeah.
Whatever gets you through.
Well thanks for coming over.
- Pleasure.
Do you have weird dreams?
- Um, sometimes.
- Yeah.
What about you?
- Not at the moment, I don't have any dreams at the moment
'cause I'm not sleeping.
But even if I did I wouldn't tell 'em to anyone
because there is nothing more boring
than someone telling you a dream they had.
- See what you think of this then.
- She's gonna tell us anyway.
- I was looking in the mirror,
and I looked really weird, and I could pull my hair out.
- I know how you feel.
- And so I tried my teeth and my teeth were loose,
but then it wasn't me, it was a baby.
What the hell does that mean?
- Wow, you had that dream with the baby
and the teeth and the hair?
- Mm.
- Wow, I don't know if it was Freud or Young
that said if you have that dream
and then tell other people about it,
you're really fucking boring.
- Rude.
It's good.
All proper comedians.
There is a woman on.
- Right.
- Well I'm just saying.
Just checking you're all right.
Thought of another good feature for the paper, actually.
Fantasy dinner party guests.
Brilliant, eh?
Pick your top five favorite people and why.
- Why indeed.
- Who would yours be?
Five people, dead or alive.
- Dead.
- [Kath] Who though?
- Doesn't matter as long as they're all dead.
- I know mine.
- [Tony] Course you do.
- Number one, James Corden.
- Fuck me.
- We could do that Carpool Karaoke.
- Could you do carpool kamikaze?
- That man can do anything.
- And does.
- I know the cool kids don't like him
but he never stops working.
- As a chauffeur mainly.
- He's a grafter, like me.
Princess Diana.
She'd know how she died, you know, what happened.
So we're be able to sort that out once and for all.
- So you've brought this poor woman back to life
so you can quiz her about how she died?
- The dead always want to tell their story
so they can be at peace.
- She's not at peace, she's in a room with you
and James fucking Corden.
- No I can't remember his name.
- [Tony] Oh made it big then.
- Bill Humes.
Wasn't here long.
Was a bit grabby.
Do get that a lot though.
He's a lorry driver now, since the court case.
Mr Bean.
- [Tony] Fictional.
- Hilarious, more like.
- You've invited multi millionaire Rowan Atkinson,
right, along to a dinner party with you,
a dead woman, and James Cordon,
and you expect him to stay in character
for three hours as Mr. fucking Bean.
- It's up to me who I invite.
Kevin Hart, funniest man in the world.
That's four, innit?
- Yeah.
- Michael Jackson.
- James Cordon would cum if Jacko walked in.
Just fucking drench everyone.
- You need to grow up.
♪ 'Cause you can't see ♪
♪ See what's passed you by ♪
♪ Because you feel you can't decide ♪
♪ Among the living ♪
- And Kath, thank you for annoying me,
every day, without fail.
Your banal questions, they distracted me.
So, cheers.
- Dunno what he's on about.