JUST WIN A ARGUMENT WITH A LIE?
GOOD TIMES.
YOU COULD JUST B.S. YOUR WAY THROUGH A CONVERSATION,
AND NO ONE COULD SAY ANYTHING. THEY WOULD JUST BE LIKE,
"I GUESS HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.
I AM NOT GOING TO THE LIBRARY TO LOOK THAT UP."
AND IF A DEBATE EVER GOT REALLY HEATED IN THE '90s
AND PEOPLE WANTED TO FIND OUT IF YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH,
THEY WOULD JUST BE LIKE, "DO YOU SWEAR TO GOD?"
[laughter and applause]
AND IF YOU DID SWEAR TO GOD, IT WAS THE ULTIMATE AFFIRMATION.
EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE, "RELAX. WE BELIEVE YOU NOW.
"NO WAY YOU'D BRING GOD INTO THIS
IF YOU WERE LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH."
THAT'S SO MUCH HARDER NOW.
YOU FAST-FORWARD TO THE PRESENT DAY.
YOU SAY ANYTHING REMOTELY CRAZY,
YOU FRIEND'S ALREADY ON HIS CELL PHONE GOING,
"KEEP TALKING, DUDE.
"THAT SOUNDS SUSPECT.
"I'M ABOUT TO PROVE YOU WRONG INSTANTLY
IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS."
IT'S TOUGHER TO LIE NOW. YOU CAN STILL DO IT.
YOU JUST GOT TO USE OTHER STUFF TO BACK YOU UP.
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, IF I TOLD YOU SOMETHING LIKE,
"DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THE LONGEST BEAVER DAM
"ON THE PLANET IS 2,800 FEET LONG?
"AND THAT'S ROUGHLY THE DISTANCE OF THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE?
"AND IT WAS BUILT BY A SINGLE BEAVER
"THAT WAS GIVEN COCAINE
"OVER THE PERIOD OF ONE YEAR BY STUDENTS
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA?"
SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE SKEPTICAL,
BUT BEFORE YOU COULD GET TOO SKEPTICAL,
I'D BE LIKE, "WELL, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
THEN GOOGLE ME, BITCH."
AND THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE, "RELAX. WE BELIEVE YOU NOW.
"NO WAY YOU'D BRING GOOGLE INTO THIS
IF YOU WERE LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH."
[cheers and applause]
I LIKE THE FUTURE. PEOPLE DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE.
EVERYONE'S ON THE ENERGY DRINK KICK, WHICH I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
'CAUSE ENERGY DRINKS DON'T SEEM SAFE TO ME.
I GET COFFEE. THAT'S A BEAN. IT GROWS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EARTH.
MAN, YOU DID A REAL GOOD JOB ON THAT.
WHERE ARE THEY GROWING THE STUFF IN THE ENERGY DRINK AT?
IT DOESN'T EVEN SEEM GROWABLE.
I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THE INGREDIENTS.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO ASSUME YOU'RE COOKING IT UP
IN A METH LAB IN MISSISSIPPI.
RIGHT? I POURED AN ENERGY DRINK INTO A GLASS RECENTLY.
IT LOOKED LIKE SOME STUFF THAT COULD TURN A REGULAR TURTLE
INTO A NINJA TURTLE.
[laughter]
WHY IS THIS STUFF GLOWING?
I AIN'T TRYING TO BE A NINJA TURTLE.
ENERGY DRINKS SEEM SO DANGEROUS, IN FACT, THAT I BET IN 2040,
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN COMMERCIALS ON TV THAT ARE LIKE,
"DID YOU, A LOVED ONE, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW"...
[laughter and applause]
"DRINK AN ENERGY DRINK OR A SUPPLEMENT
"IN THE EARLY 21ST CENTURY
"AND NOW SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY?
"'CAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO CALL
THE LAW OFFICES OF CROSBY, STILLS & NASH."
COMMERCIALS ARE FUNNY SOMETIMES.
I SAW A COMMERCIAL RECENTLY WHERE I WAS LIKE,
"HEY, HOW'D THAT GET ON TV?
AREN'T THERE CHECKS AND BALANCES FOR THESE TYPES OF THINGS?"
IT WAS FOR A DETERGENT COMPANY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR BRILLIANT IDEA FOR A COMMERCIAL WAS?
TO HAVE A GUY PULL UP TO A KIDS' SOCCER GAME IN A VAN,
WHICH IS A PRETTY BAD START.
AND IN THE SIDE OF HIS VAN, HE HAS A WASHER AND A DRYER,
RIGHT? AND HE GETS OUT OF THE VAN.
HE STARTS COLLECTING ALL THE LITTLE KIDS THERE,
AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, LITTLE KID.
"YOU GOT A GRASS STAIN IN YOUR SHIRT.
"TAKE IT OFF.
I'M GONNA WASH IT IN THE SIDE OF MY VAN."
AND I WAS JUST THINKING, REALLY?
I THOUGHT WE WERE TRYING TO STOP PEDOPHILES,
NOT GIVE THEM THE BEST IDEA EVER.
LIKE, HOW CONFUSED WOULD YOU BE IF YOU WERE THIS KID'S FATHER,
AND HE CAME HOME FROM HIS SOCCER GAME IN A REALLY CLEAN UNIFORM?
YOU'D JUST BE LIKE, "HEY, JIMMY, DID YOU GET TO PLAY?"
HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, DAD. I PLAYED THE WHOLE GAME."
"WELL, WHY IS YOUR UNIFORM SO CLEAN?"
"WELL, DAD, THERE WAS A MAN IN A VAN,
"AND HE TOLD ME TO GET NAKED.
BUT AT LEAST HE WAS AT THE FUCKING GAME, DAD."
[cheers and applause]
THANKS A LOT. I'M BILLY BONNELL. HAVE A VERY GOOD NIGHT.