Imagine this.
It’s the holidays and you’ve just announced that you’ll be bringing your new partner
to meet the family.
Everyone is so excited to meet this person you’ve so far not talked much about.
When the day comes you rock up to the gathering with a person old enough to be your grandparent.
Your mother almost chokes on her pre-dinner profiterole and all around you see shocked
expressions on faces.
You knew it would go something like that, but you’re in love, you don’t care.
For you the large age-gap means nothing.
You’re an ethical person and see no boundaries regarding the expression of love and the attendant
acts of intimacy.
It works for you, even though your family will never live it down.
The question is, in real life could this actually happen?
Age disparity in relationships can be looked upon differently from culture to culture.
Some cultures frown on a large age gap, and in other cultures it’s not looked upon so
harshly.
It’s a complicated matter and it’s not easy to say at what age will someone be attracted
to someone else.
Data shows us, however, that when women and men are younger, say in their twenties, they
often date or marry someone closer to their age.
We looked at data for the USA and indeed the majority of married couples in one large survey
showed that the age gap was only 1-3 years.
That’s the majority, but there were outliers.
In that survey around 5 percent of men were married to someone 10-14 years younger than
them, which is quite a lot.
1.6 percent of men had married someone 15-19 years younger than them.
If you look at it the other way, though, far fewer women were married to men much younger
than them.
That isn’t to say it doesn’t happen, but the numbers are much lower.
It seems that a fair few women in their 20s still have a thing for men in their forties.
There are many reasons for this, but we don’t want to generalize too much.
You might just say at times it was purely love, an attraction that couldn’t be stopped,
but many times there are reasons such as the man is a good breadwinner and at the same
time shows a maturity that might make him more of a trustworthy and understanding lover.
For instance, in a psychological study called “Evolution and Human Behavior” it was
revealed that men are mostly attracted to younger, attractive women, and most women
were looking for successful, attractive men their age or older.
Such findings might seem crude and the laws of attraction are complex.
Some studies have found that men might be attracted to a younger attractive woman for
reasons of fertility, while a woman might choose an older mate because he can still
enjoin in the act of creating a baby but also provide.
Women in their mid-twenties seem to be the most attractive, but get this, younger men,
even in their teens, may often prefer these older women, too.
There’s also something called “parental investment theory”, and this relates to
both partners choosing someone who will benefit the child.
A woman of 25 might look at a healthy, successful 40-plus year old man and think he could benefit
the offspring, and vice versa.
It’s complicated, though, and social structures might have a lot to do with a large age gap.
If you live in a country that has no social welfare system and a younger person is poor
and has few opportunities relating to upward mobility or even survival, they might choose
an older person with money just to get by.
In such countries a large age gap might not be frowned upon as much.
If a country has a culture in which the male is still supposed to be the provider, the
male might be more likely to have a younger partner.
In countries where women have just as much opportunity it’s more likely they might
have a younger male partner.
But today we are not talking about this 10-20 year age gap that isn’t that uncommon.
We are talking about that awkward family get-together when you’ve brought someone home who is
a whopping 50 years older.
Is this even socially acceptable?
Well, back in the day people used to speak of a rule which told them they should have
a partner half their age plus seven years.
That would mean if you were 20, you should date no one younger than a seventeen year
old.
If you were 40, you should date no one younger than a 27-year old.
This rule is mostly viewed now as antiquated, and you can tell us what you think about this
later.
You see, the age gap tends to cause some amount of consternation from bystanders… well,
outside of Hollywood anyway.
Studies have shown that if the gap is more than ten years the relationship elicits more
disapproval, although similar studies have shown that while most people date someone
close to their own age they are often open to giving it a shot with someone 10-15 years
older or younger.
If we get away from breadwinners and reproductive fitness, some studies just show that age gap
problems might arise when it comes to hanging out with friends.
It might be difficult to socialize when there is a 20 year age gap.
There might be differences in hobbies, or generational differences regarding what is
interesting to the couple.
Still, if you go online you’ll find many people saying their relationship works and
the age gap is big.
In fact, you can find studies that tell you that their research has shown that when women
are ten years younger than the man 75 percent of the time they said it worked; they were
satisfied.
Nonetheless, society in some part looks down on this and equates the relationship with
the women having “daddy issues” or gold digging.
Many people just won’t let these age gappers off the hook.
It’s all about timing, too, according to research.
If a 68-year old dates a 53-year woman no one really blinks an eye.
But if a 45-year old man dates a 30-year old woman there seems to be more cause for concern,
even if those lovers share similar goals, have similar interests, and have a relationship
blessed with happiness.
But that’s less concerning than a 70-year old man dating a 20-year old woman.
When you read articles and professionals talking about age gaps most people these days say
keep an open mind.
Tens years might work, fifteen might work, hell, a 20 year gap could be right and people
will testify that it worked for them.
We’ve seen those testimonies.
This is one positive testimony of many we found:
“My husband and I are 19 years apart; we were 21 and 40 when we started dating.
It works because I gave up the notion that because I was older, I knew better, and how
to love or guide a relationship better than him.
We've been together for 14 years (married for two) ... We respect each other in every
way.”
Here's another snippet from a testimony, concerning a 17 year difference of an older man and woman:
“He brings wisdom and a calmness to my life that makes my life peaceful, and I bring vitality
and enthusiasm to his life that helps him stay focused on enjoying his life and what
he's trying to build.”
Evidently, a large age gap can work.
We focused on the positive here, and like any relationship it might not work at all.
In fact, some other statistics reveal that a large age gap could complicate things and
there is more chance of a break-up.
Not surprisingly, it’s harder to find real life stories of that 50-year difference, but
we did find some relationships with this age gap.
One case was in the USA, and a woman of 71 years old met a guy who was 17.
They actually met at a funeral, which might not sound like the best place to get a person’s
number.
The woman said in one of the couple’s YouTube videos that they create, “I wasn’t looking
for a young man, but Gary just came along.”
She described their relationship as a “whirlwind” experience and the couple did get married
very quickly.
The woman also said she’d been married previously for years and called this relationship soulless.
The woman said, “We are always complimenting and kissing.
We’re enjoying our relationship,” and the man said getting married to her was the
best thing he’d done in his short life.
Even the guy’s 48-year mother was said to be supportive of the whole affair.
You might now be thinking something must be wrong here, that these people have some issues
they need to work through.
We can only tell you what we read about them.
We looked at their Instagram account and some people wrote positive things, and some criticized
the pair, such as this comment written under a photo of the couple embracing and kissing,
“Gross there's such an age gap, hashtag, ‘gross.’”
It certainly might look strange or gross to some people, but we might also ask who are
we to judge them.
If they’ve found happiness, should we not rather say well done?
Or is this kind of thing always unethical?
That’s a question you’ll be answering later.
Some people were not critical of the couple, and instead did wish them the best of luck,
such as this comment we found on Instagram, “What a sweet story.
I am so happy for both of you.”
So, while such an age gap is no doubt unusual and the chances of it working might be low,
there is it seems some chance it might work.
For how long we don’t know, but that Instagram account for the couple posted something the
day before we wrote this story.
We found a forum in which people discussed such very large age gaps, and these are some
of the comments:
“With a gap that large, though, the younger person would be ripe for mistreatment/manipulation
due to the older person having more life experience.
All depends on the couple, of course.”
“Different people have different outlooks and as long as they are happy then that's
all that matters.”
“I don't find it comfortable about a 70 year old man making out with a 20 something
year old girl.
It looks wrong on so many levels.”
The people writing on that forum didn’t seem to agree.
Some said ok, go for it, others said it was plain wrong.
There is no doubt that a 50-year age gap will be hard.
There is just so much difference between the couple.
We found one story in the UK in which a 70 year old man had dated a 20-year old woman.
The man actually dumped her, and she said this to the tabloid press, “Brian might
be old and wrinkly but I still love him and I think he’s gorgeous ... I’m absolutely
heartbroken and can’t stop crying.”
He said it just couldn’t work and told her to find a younger man.
She said age aint nothing but a number and if they get along then they should stay together,
despite the relationship proving to be fractious within her own family.
Head over to Australia and in 2019 there was a news report about a couple with a 55-year
old age gap.
The 24-year old woman and funeral director said meeting the 79-year old former school
principal was the best thing that had happened to her.
She met him when he was attending his wife’s funeral.
They even wanted to try and have a child together.
She said people were supportive of her and also hateful, but she said there is no one
in this world she’d rather be married to.
The rich and famous of course do it, with the notable story of Playboy Hugh Hefner marrying
a model 60 years his junior.
When he died eight years later the couple were still married.
We found a few instances of celebrities having such relationships and some seemed to work,
some were rocky, and others were disasters.
The difference is society seems to give the rich and famous a break when it comes to big
age gaps, but we think if you turned up at that family party with someone much, much
older than you, you’d have a lot of explaining to do.
Our conclusion is that it seems it can work, but that it likely will be difficult and that’s
why it doesn’t often happen.
As for smaller age gaps over ten years, there is a lot of research that tells us while society
doesn’t like it in some part, the relationship might well work.
There are a lot of success stories of 10-20 year age gaps.
What we’d like to know now is what do you think about this?
What do you think about age gaps in general, but also an age gap as much as 50 years?
Tell us in the comments.
Also, be sure to check out our other video Is She Into You?
Signs & Signals of Attraction.
Thanks for watching, and as always, don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.