WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I--
YOU FEEL THAT?
THAT IS RAW, UNCUT, BLUE FLAKE EXCITEMENT BECAUSE EVERYBODY
KNOWS TOMORROW NIGHT, AT LONG LAST, THE PUBLIC HEARINGS ON THE
JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WILL FINALLY KICK OFF.
THEY'LL BE BROADCAST HERE ON CBS, AND AFTERWARD, "THE LATE
SHOW" WILL BE LIVE!
BOOM!
( APPLAUSE )
WATCH ME TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHEN THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE DAY WE ALL SAID, "WHAT THE HELL JUST
HAPPENED?"
( APPLAUSE )
TOMORROW-- FOR TWO WEEKS, RIGHT?
IT'S TWO WEEKS OF HEARINGS, RIGHT?
STARTING TOMORROW AND FOR TWO WEEKS OF THESE PUBLIC
HEARING,s THIS IS A CRUCIAL OPPORTUNITY
FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO LEARN THE FULL DEPTH AND BREADTH OF
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MONTHS- LONG, VIOLENT CONSPIRACY TO
OVERTHROW A FREE ELECTION AND REMAIN IN POWER.
HANGING OVER THE HEARINGS IS ONE QUESTION THAT COULD DEFINE THE
FUTURE OF OUR REPUBLIC: WHO CARES?
>> THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF DISTRACTIONS BEFORE THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE, AND SO I THINK THAT THEY NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING NEW,
THINGS THAT THEY HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE.
>> THEY JUST NEED TO FOCUS THE PUBLIC'S ATTENTION ON IT.
>> THEY HAVE TO GRIP THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
>> THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS REALLY A COMPELLING NARRATIVE.
>> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE "TOP GUN."
YOU WANT TO FIND THAT SWEET SPOT IN THE MIDDLE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE "TOP GUN,"
BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE ADAM SCHIFF AND JAMIE
RASKIN PLAY HOT SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL.
HE'S CUT.
HERE'S THE THING: HEARINGS ONLY MATTER IF PEOPLE ARE HEARING
THEM, WHICH IS WHY WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE PUT
TOGETHER A PROMO GUARANTEED TO PUT THE ASSES IN THE TV SEATS.
JIM?
>> THURSDAY, THURSDAY, THURSDAY!
UNDER THE CAPITOL MEGADOME!
IT'S THE HEARINGS ON JANUARY 6!
6, 6, 6!
A CONSTITUTION-CRUSHING LINEUP OF INSURRECTIONIST MAYHEM,
FEATURING EXPLOSIVE REVELATIONS ABOUT THE WINE GREMLIN.
THE OXY-OGRE.
AND WHOEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
BRING IN THE PAIN OF FORMER PRESIDENT SCHMUCK-A-TSARS.
NEED MORE TO MAKE YOU CARE ABOUT THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY?
HOW ABOUT THE THING YOU CRAVE MOST?
ANOTHER, EVEN SADDER SEASON OF "THIS IS US."
EVERY EPISODE IS A FUNERAL.
♪ ♪ ♪ STILL WANT MORE?
HOW ABOUT BOOBS?
WITH $2 GAS.
ONLY YOU CAN SAY DEMOCRACY LIKE THE FOUNDERS INTENDED, BY
WATCHING TV!
>> Stephen: NOW, WE WILL LEARN MORE--
( APPLAUSE )
SEE PEOPLE ARE-- PEOPLE ARE EXCITED, JON.
WE WILL LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT FROM OUR GUEST TONIGHT,
CALIFORNIA DEMOCRAT AND COMMITTEE MEMBER ADAM SCHIFF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: ADAM IS HERE.
>> Stephen: HE'S ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOW WE RUN HERE.
HE'S GOING TO GREASE US WITH ALL THE HOT. TREASON. GOSS.
I REALLY HOPE HE DOES THAT.
WE'RE ALSO GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE EX-PRESIDENT'S PLANS
FOR THAT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DAY.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER AT THE RALLY, WHEN HE RILED UP THE MOB TO
MARCH ON THE CAPITOL?
>> WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN-- AND I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU--
WE'RE GOING TO WALK DOWN.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, HE DIDN'T.p
OF ALL THE LIES HE HAS EVER TOLD, NONE WAS MORE OBVIOUS THAN
"I'M GOING FOR A WALK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, REMEMBER--
♪ ♪ ♪ REMEMBER, THE PRESIDENT'S
CRONIES HAVE CLAIMED OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR THE PAST 17
MONTHS THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE PREDICTED WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN,
THAT THE CROWD MARCHING ON THE CAPITOL WAS JUST A SPONTANEOUS
OUTBURST OF PATRIOTIC ZIP TIES AND BODY ARMOR.
BUT WE JUST LEARNED THAT IS JUST AS BIG A LIE AS HIS OATH OF
OFFICE, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS UNCOVERED THAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT PUT NEARLY TWO WEEKS OF PERSISTENT PRESSURE ON
THE SECRET SERVICE TO DEVISE A PLAN FOR HIM TO JOIN HIS
SUPPORTERS ON THE MARCH TO THE CAPITOL.
TWO WEEKS.
SO HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING...
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) IS A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I
WOULD SAY ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
NOW, HE MAY BE PUTTING THAT--
NOW HE MAY BE PUTTING THE PRESSURE ON, BUT THE SECRET
SERVICE SAID, "SORRY, YOU CAN'T."
BUT THEN, ON JANUARY 6, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WENT ONSTAGE
AND SAID "HEY, LET'S DO IT ANYWAY."
SO, THE SECRET SERVICE SCRAMBLED TO LOOK INTO A MOTORCADE THAT
WOULD ESCORT HIM TO THE CAPITOL, BUT ULTIMATELY, SCUTTLED THE
IDEA AS "UNTENABLE" AND "UNSAFE"-- COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO
THE SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES FOR DON JR. AND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK THAT'S RIGHT, UNTENABLE AND UNSAFE.
IT'S TOO BAD.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE HIM STRUGGLE UP THE CAPITOL STEPS,
BATTING AWAY COPS WITH A K.F.C.
DRUMSTICK, ONLY TO TRY TO HEAVE HIMSELF THROUGH THE WINDOW AND
GET STUCK "WINNIE THE POOH" STYLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HANG SOME TEA TOWELS, PUT SOMANTLERS ON IT.
WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON THE PLAGUE.
NO, NOT THAT ONE, THE OTHER ONE.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY
TWICE-RUNNING SEGMENT: >> DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE
MONKEYPOX.
>> YOU GOT TO TELL THEM MONKEYPOX IS PEOPLE!
>> Stephen: UP TO THIS POINT, EXPERTS HAVE REPEATEDLY SAID
THAT THIS VIRUS CAN BE TRANSMITTED BY CLOSE CONTACT,
LIKE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
BUT NOW THEY'RE SAYING MONKEYPOX CAN BE AIRBORNE, TOO.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE SCIENTISTS MAKING THE
DISCOVERY.
>> FLY!
FLY!
( APPLAUSE )
MONKEYPOX CAN BE TRANSMITTED THROUGH AEROSOLS MAKES IT
SIMILAR TO THE CORONAVIRUS.
NO, NO, NO!
I CAN'T GO BACK TO LYSOL-ING ALL MY MONKEYS.
( LAUGHTER )
I SAID HAPPIER THAN MONKEYPOX.
( LAUGHTER )
OF PAYING HIGHER PRICES, SO CORPORATE AMERICA HAS COME UP
WITH A CLEVER SOLUTION: QUIETLY SHRINKING PACKAGE SIZES WITHOUT
LOWERING PRICES, IN A PHENOMENON CALLED SHRINKFLATION.
IN THEIR DEFENSE, CORPORATIONS SAY, "THE WATER'S JUST VERY
COLD."
THESE MANUFACTURERS THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, BECAUSE
THEY ASSUME CUSTOMERS WILL NOTICE PRICE INCREASES BUT WON'T
KEEP TRACK OF SMALL DETAILS, LIKE THE NUMBER OF SHEETS ON A
ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.
WELL, MAYBE PEOPLE WONT, BUT THOSE DAMN BEARS SURE WILL!
THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH RECTAL HYGIENE!
THEY TALK ABOUT IT AS A "FAMILY!"
IT'S UPSETTING TO WATCH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FOLGER'S-- I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
DON'T DO IT IN THE WOODS!
FOLGER'S COFFEE RECENTLY DOWNSIZED ITS 51-OUNCE CONTAINER
TO 43.5 OUNCES.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
♪ THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS NOTHING IN YOUR CUP ♪.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: BUT-- BEAUTIFUL.
BUT THE MOST TROUBLING CHANGE IS THAT BAGS OF FRITOS SCOOPS
MARKED "PARTY SIZE" USED TO BE 18 OUNCES, BUT NOW THEY ARE 15.5
OUNCES.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) ET TU, FRITO?
15.5 OUNCES ISN'T A PARTY.
IT'S BARELY A GATHERING.
WHEN I CRACK OPEN A PARTY-SIZE BAG OF FRITOS, I DO
THE RIGHT THING AND EAT THE WHOLE DAMN BAG BY MYSELF
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH!
THIS IS AMERICA.
LAN LAND OF THE
FREE-TOS.
BUT NOW, WITH THE SMALLER BAG, I'LL BE 2.5 OUNCES SHORT OF
TOTAL SHAME.
SO I'LL HAVE TO OPEN UP A SECOND BAG, AND THEN I'LL FINISH THAT
ONE BECAUSE, AGAIN, FREEDOM.
BUT NOW, AFTER TWO BAGS, 31 OUNCES OF FRITOS DEEP, I FEEL
TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF.
AND THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER: ANOTHER
BAG OF FRITOS!
THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY THOUGHT WE WOULDN'T FIND OUT!
BUT WE DID!
>> I KNEW IT WAS YOU, FRITO.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHIWETEL EJIOFOR, BUT WHEN WE RETURN, FROM THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF.
STICK AROUND.