The reason that some people demand attention while others are happier
by themselves reveals a little about the inner workings of
the romantic, social and parental relationships we form.
According to Attachment Theory, our childhood shapes
how we seek affection as adults.
First developed by the psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth,
Attachment Theory has its roots in post-war Britain.
During the war, some children were separated
from their parents and evacuated to the countryside,
where they would be raised temporarily by another family
in more secure surroundings.
Bowlby and Ainsworth noticed that some children reacted
to this separation better than others.
In some cases, the children were very clingy
and reluctant to be separated from their parents.
Others, while sad, were a little more up-beat, and
some didn t seem upset at all.
Building on each other's work,
they realised that the relationships we have with our parents
can have profound consequences on the relationships we form as adults.
On the one hand, some people seem to be very steady in their relationships.
They know when and where to seek affection
and when and where to give their partner space.
These people are described as being securely attached.
They likely had very consistent parenting as children
with clear boundaries and regular affection
this is the group to which most people belong.
There are two more attachment types,
according to the theory; anxious and avoidant.
Someone who has attachment anxiety might show the clingy behaviour
of one of the children Bowlby and Ainsworth studied.
These children, according to the theory, might have had
inconsistent parenting sometimes present and sometimes absent.
Because the children could not predict when and where they would receive attention,
they would make more demands for affection.
The last type is attachment avoidance.
These children were probably not shown very much attention,
and as a result were happy to amuse themselves
in the absence of their parents.
For the evacuees, these children might have coped best with separation.
These very early relationships that we have give rise to
these mental models that carry forward throughout the rest of our lives.
And they play a large role in the expectations that we have
about the availability of our romantic partners
and about our love-worthiness in our adult romantic relationships.
We communicate affection and attention
both verbally and non-verbally, through actions like touch.
We might have an innate need for close physical contact from birth,
says Carmichael.
A parent can soothe their baby by picking them up the baby
is reassured that the parent is nearby and protecting them.
This was proposed by Ainsworth following her research on children.
There's been research that's done where, you know, people are asked
to convey an emotion, where you can't physically see them
but they're just doing it by touching, using their hands to touch you and people can convey emotion.
Touch is a really powerful way to share what we're feeling and let people know what's happening emotionally.
Carmichael found that when people receive more touch
from their partner they tend to say their relationship quality is higher,
they feel closer, they feel more understood
and cared for and they feel like their relationship is better.
We don't need the same things that infants do, but there are physiological benefits
associated with receiving touch.
There is evidence that suggests that touch from a romantic partner
when someone is experiencing psychological distress
has physiological benefits.
Carmichael says that those benefits apply to everyone,
even avoidant people who might say that they need less touch than others.
It might be the case that those avoidant people only like to receive touch
in certain settings and when they get it, they benefit from it.
So, although our touch-seeking strategies as adults might differ based
on our experiences as children, the need for touch might be near universal.
But there are some differences that are worth noting.
Particular combinations are not great,
so two anxious people together may not be great.
Or an anxious with an avoidant person.
So, an anxious person who needs a lot of reassurance in a relationship
with an avoidant person who likes to kind of keep things at arm's length.
Not a great combination.
Being aware of your attachment style and understanding your predispositions
might help you to recognise the signs of a good relationship.