(audience laughing)
- I did my first dick pic, everybody.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Dick pic that's a weird thing to do, I gotta say.
There's no reason for me to do it, I'm fuckin' married
but all my friends do 'em
so I'm like what the fuck?
Let me just, at least I can be part of a conversation.
When they're talkin' about their dick pics
I can go oh yes, definitely.
(audience laughs)
I do my first dick pic, I look back at it
there's a ghost in the background.
So there's a ghost in the image
and I'm like I live in a fuckin' haunted house?
I had no idea, I wanna show everybody.
(audience laughs)
'Cause what are the chances of catching that?
But, my dick doesn't look
as good as I want it to look in the image.
Plus, you know the fuckin' ghost was really tall
so he made my dick not look exact
plus the fuckin' ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick.
(audience laughs) And I was like
what the fuck is your problem to the ghost.
The ghost was like, I live here too.
I like to have fun.
My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old
so I go and see her play basketball
and she's a sweetheart of a kid
and every time they put the kid in the game
I get so excited I take my video camera out
and I fuckin' video everything she does.
A couple Sundays ago I'm videoing my daughter
and another dad goes, hey can you email me that
when you're done?
And I go yeah, absolutely dude.
And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered actually when I video my kid
I say a lot of things
and that's always not stuff I want other people to hear.
I'm always like, okay you got it you little cutie.
You got the ball, you're so good.
Look how good you are, little Danny LaVar.
Pass it to my kid, somebody pass it to my kid
I'll break your fuckin' neck, I swear to god.
(audience laughs)
Get the fuckin' ball to my fuckin' kid
you all suck out there.
Then I was like, I better not email that to that man there.
So I just emailed him the ghost dick pic.
(audience laughs)
The guy was like what the fuck's with the ruler?
I go, yeah I don't know.
The ghost is an asshole, fuck that guy.
I'm with ya.
The vagina fart girls, I gotta say
still get cha everytime.
Everybody, every fella here enjoys 'em so much.
Just keep 'em comin' girls.
It juts provides entertainment in the bedroom.
Guys do not say nothing about 'em.
Guys will fuckin' ignore it every time
just because, you know if you comment on it
it's fuckin' over.
(audience laughs)
They're gettin' up and leaving and that's it.
So you're like okay, whatever the fuck that was
let's keep going forward.
I have been face to face with the vagina fart.
I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife, right there.
I don't say shit.
I might go like, whoa.
I might give her one of those. (audience laughs)
but I always get right back in there
finish off what I started.
(audience applauds)
If my wife hits me with four or five of 'em in a row
I might say all right
I think you gotta do some fuckin' jumping jacks
or some shit. (audience laughs)
get a q-tip, fuckin' pop that.
(audience laughs)
Something's wrong.
Something's going on with ya.
But when you come back, I'll fuckin' finish ya good.
(audience laughs) I promise ya.
If it was reversed, let me just say
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
If there was a dick fart.
There's no dick fart (audience laughs)
but if there was the dick fart
and it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole. (audience laughs)
The sound would be nothing.
Your vaginas literally are acoustically fuckin' made
to blast out a boomer.
(audience laughs)
And we're just like all right
let's play it off, that didn't happen.
With a dick fart you'd be like
at the most it would sound like (whistles)
(audience laughs)
and you'd be like whoa, what the fuck is that?
(whistling)
I'm nervous, I don't know.
You don't think that's cute?
It sounds like a little Disney character.
(audience laughs) (whistles)
Cinderelly. (audience laughs)
I'm leaving.
We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen.
Like no, no, I think the tea's ready.
(whistling) (audience laughs)
(chuckles)
My wife one time hit me in the face with a combo platter.
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth, up high
at the very same time hit me in the neck
with the other.
She came up high and down low at the very same time.
Fuckin' don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years, just fuckin' bam in the face
one in the neck.
Fuckin' hit me hard.
It was like the perfect storm.
(audience laughs)
We don't know what she was eating that day
but whatever the fuck it was
she got me good.
I gotta say it literally felt like somebody opened the door
on a fuckin' airplane.
(audience laughs) It's like whoa!
There was debris in the air
(audience laughs) and fuckin'
other passengers were floatin' though my fuckin' room.
Oxygen mask dropped down, you know.
But I fuckin' took it like
I do wish someone else saw it.
I was like, that was fuckin' incredible.
And then I hear the ghost go, I saw that shit.
Oh my god! (audience laughs)
Fuckin' blew the ruler outta my hand.
(audience laughs)