FOLKS, WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL OF OUR VIEWERS AROUND
THE WORLD, WELCOME TO LATE SHOW, I AM YOUR HOST, THE STEPHEN
COLBERT. THERE IS NO DENYING IT, IT IS A
DARK DAY. OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS WE HAVE
SEEN DEMOCRACY REPEATEDLY UNDERMINED, TRAGIC,
UNPRECEDENTED FIRESTORMS, A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WELL IN
MORNING, VLADIMIR PUTIN OF LOOKED AT ALL OF
THAT AND SAID, "HOLD MY VODKA." BECAUSE TODAY, RUSSIA OFFICIALLY
ATTACKED UKRAINE. LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT ONE THING'S FOR SURE: PUTIN
SHOULD FIRE THOSE PEACEKEEPERS. YOU HAD ONE JOB!
THIS IS THE BIGGEST GROUND WAR IN EUROPE SINCE WORLD WAR II,
AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN HOCK. IT'S WHY TODAY'S WORDLE WAS
AAAAH! IT WAS FAIRLY EASY, ACTUALLY.
UKRAINIAN CITIES ARE IN CHAOS THE HIGHWAYS ARE JAMMED WITH
PEOPLE TRYING TO LEAVE, AND THE PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T GET OUT ARE
USING SUBWAY STATIONS AS BOMB SHELTERS.
WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE FIND THAT PANTS-LESS GUY ON THE
TRAIN WHO'S ALWAYS YELLING "THE END IS NEAR," BECAUSE I THINK WE
OWE HIM AN APOLOGY. PUTIN ANNOUNCED THE WAR
ON 10:00 P.M. OUR TIME LAST NIGHT AND HAD A PRETTY LAME
EXCUSE TO JUSTIFY IT. >> I HAVE TAKEN THE DECISION TO
CONDUCT A SPECIAL MILITARY OPERATION IT PURPOSE IS TO
PROTECT PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SUBJECT TO ABUSE AND GENERAL
SIDE BY THE REGIME FOR EIGHT YEARS AND THROUGH THIS WE WILL
STRIFE TO DEMILITARIZE AND DEHAS GUYS UKRAINE.
>> DE-NAZIFY? THAT'S HARD TO DO WHEN YOU ARE
ACTING LIKE DE NAZIS, NOW THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A RIDICULOUS CLAIM,
FIRST OF ALL, ZELENSKY IS NOT A NAZI, HE'S FROM A URINE
BACKGROUND AND HE IS BARELY EVEN A POLITICIAN.
HE IS A FORMER TV COMEDIAN. THERE IS LIKE IF THE U.S.
INVADED CANADA TO CAPTURE WAR CRIMINAL EUGENE LEVY.
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THE WORLD IS UP SHITS CREEK.
THE INVASION -- >> PUTIN ISSUED A THREAT TO
ANYONE WHO TRIED TO OPPOSE HIM. >> WHOEVER TRIES TO INTERFERE
WITH US AND EVEN MORE TO CREATE THREATS FOR OUR COUNTRY, OUR
PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW RUSSIA'S RESPONSE WILL BE IMMEDIATE, AND
WILL LEAD TO SUCH CONSEQUENCES YOU HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IN
YOUR HISTORY. >> SOMETHING WE HAVE NEVER
EXPERIENCED? >> HE IS GOING TO MAKE A GOOD
MICHAEL BAY MOVIE? THE EAGLE EYED VIEWERS MAY HAVE
NOTICED PUTIN SEEMED TO BE WEARING THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT HE
WORE ON MONDAY. DID HE PRETAPE HIS INVASION
SPEECH? THAT IS TO DISHONEST.
ONLY A MONSTER WOULD PRETAPE A TELEVISION APPEARANCE AND TRY TO
PASS IT OFF AS LIVE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] FOLKS,
VLAD, JUST SWITCH OUT THE TIE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE END, UKRAINE
AND ITS ALLIES WERE PURSUING DIPLOMATIC SOLUTIONS.
IN FACT, UKRAINE'S AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N. CONVENED A SPECIAL
SESSION OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL LAST NIGHT.
JUST ONE PROBLEM: RUSSIA INVADED UKRAINE AS THEY SPOKE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE THERE TO STOP!
THAT'S LIKE HAVING AN INTERVENTION, AND SOMEBODY
INTERRUPTS WITH, "BRIAN, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, AND WE WANT
YOU TO GET HELP, RIGHT AFTER HAPPY HOUR!
COME ON, PUSSY, LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!
YOU'RE WAY MORE FUN WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
BUDDY, COME ON. THE LET'S GET CRUMPED.
>> PEACE, OF COURSE, NEVER HAD MUCH OF A
CHANCE, BECAUSE THIS MONTH, THE PRESIDENT OF THE SECURITY
COUNCIL JUST HAPPENS TO BE RUSSIA.
SO, THE ONE IN CHARGE OF STOPPING RUSSIA, IS RUSSIA.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY APPOINTED THEIR
NEW PRESIDENT: DR. JOSEPH T. CAMEL.
THE UKRAINIAN AMBASSADOR PATIENTLY WAITED FOR HIS TURN TO
SPEAK, BUT ULTIMATELY, HE HAD TO THROW OUT HIS REMARKS, BECAUSE
THE INVASION HAD STARTED. AS HE SAID, "MOST OF IT IS
ALREADY USELESS." I KNOW THE FEELING.
TONIGHT, I HAD SO MANY JOKES PREPARED FOR NATIONAL CHILI DAY
WHICH ARE NOW TOTALLY USELESS. BECAUSE OF THE INVASION.
I'D LIKE TO SAY I'M OVER IT, BUT HONESTLY, IT'S BEAN TOUGH.
[APPLAUSE] IT'S A DARK DAY.
LEADERS FROM ACROSS THE GLOBE CONDEMNED PUTIN'S ILLEGAL
INVASION, INCLUDING JOE BIDEN, WHO SMACKED PUTIN WITH A WHOLE
BUNCH OF NEW SANCTIONS TODAY, INCLUDING ONE THAT WILL CUT
RUSSIA OFF FROM SEMICONDUCTORS CRUCIAL TO THE MILITARY,
BIOTECHNOLOGY, AND AEROSPACE INDUSTRIES.
SO, RUSSIANS COMING BACK FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL AN UBER.
BIDEN ALSO ANNOUNCED SANCTIONS ON CORRUPT BILLIONAIRES AND
THEIR FAMILIES WHO ARE CLOSE TO THE KREMLIN.
OF COURSE, THAT'S EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY CLOSE TO THE
KREMLIN-- THEY CAN STILL LIVE AT MAR-A-LAGO.
THE PRESIDENT -- WHAT? WHAT?
THE PRESIDENT MADE IT CLEAR THAT THESE SANCTIONS ARE A MATTER OF
PRINCIPLE. >> THIS AGGRESSION CANNOT GO ON
UNANSWERED. IF IT DID, THE CONSEQUENCES FOR
AMERICA WOULD BE MUCH WORSE. AMERICA STANDS UP TO BULLIES.
WE STAND UP FOR FREEDOM. >> Stephen: AMERICA STANDS UP TO
BULLIES! WE STAND UP FOR FREEDOM!
THEN WE LIE DOWN FOR LIBERTY, BECAUSE WE ATE THAT BURGER WITH
DONUT BUNS FOR LUNCH. IT'S NOT JUST WORLD LEADERS.
MANY RUSSIANS FEEL A DEEP UNEASE OVER GOING TO WAR.
IN FACT, TODAY, AVERAGE CITIZENS BRAVELY TOOK TO THE STREETS
INCLUDING THIS ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN ST. PETERSBURG.
ALL THIS DESPITE RUSSIA'S INTERIOR MINISTRY TELLING TV
VIEWERS TO "REFRAIN FROM UNSANCTIONED PROTESTS" OR
THEY'LL BE "ARRESTED." NOT BECAUSE OF THE WAR, BUT
BECAUSE OF "CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS ON PUBLIC EVENTS."
"CITIZEN, YOU WILL RECEIVE LARGE BLACK MASK THAT ALSO
COVERS REST OF HEAD. NOW EVERYONE INTO THE WINDOWLESS
TESTING VAN CABLE NEWS IS COVERING THIS
AROUND THE CLOCK, WHICH MADE FOR SOME ODD MOMENTS WHEN THEY
CUT AWAY FROM THE WAR FOR COMMERCIALS.
>> WE'LL GO INSIDE AND IN THE CAPITAL OF KYIV, AS AIR RAID
SIRENS ARE RINGING OUT THIS MORNING.
MUCH MORE REACTION AND INSIGHT FROM CNN CHIEF INTERNATIONAL
ANCHOR CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR, UP NEXT.
( AIR RAID SIRENS ) ;(FADE TO COMMERCIAL)
>> ♪ AND A LITTLE BIT OF
CHICKEN FRIED. ♪ ♪ COLD BEER ON A FRIDAY NIGHT! ♪
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, UKRAINE IS SINGING,
( CHILI'S RIBS COMMERCIAL ) "I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK, COUNTRY
BACK, COUNTRY BACK." (
IMPORTANT TO KEEP OUR EYES ON THE UNHINGED FASCIST LUNATIC.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT STONEWALL JACKASS.
(
WAS STILL AT IT LAST NIGHT IN A SPEECH AT MAR-A-GULAGO:
>> TRUMP SAID, "PUTIN'S SMART." I MEAN, HE'S TAKING OVER A
COUNTRY FOR $2 WORTH OF SANCTIONS.
I'D SAY THAT'S PRETTY SMART. HE'S TAKING OVER A COUNTRY,
REALLY A VAST, VAST LOCATION, A GREAT PIECE OF LAND WITH A
LOT OF PEOPLE, AND JUST WALKING RIGHT IN.
>> Stephen: EVERYTHING IS A REAL ESTATE DEAL WITH THIS GUY!
IT'S THE BIGGEST ATTACK ON A EUROPEAN COUNTRY SINCE WORLD WAR
II. WHEN HITLER INVADED POLAND,
F.D.R. DIDN'T SAY, "WELL, IT WOULD MAKE A GOOD GOLF COURSE."
THEN, AS THE INVASION BEGAN, THE EX-PREZ TOOK TO RUSSIAN STATE
MEDIA-- SORRY, I MISPRONOUNCED THAT: FOX NEWS.
AND HE HAD A LOT OF OPINIONS, (
JUST NOT A LOT OF INFORMATION: >> WE ARE JUST LEARNING THAT
U.S. OFFICIALS ARE LOOKING AT A POTENTIAL AMPHIBIOUS LANDING NOW
IN ODESSA, UKRAINE. >> IT IS ALSO VERY DANGEROUS
THAT YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THE AMPHIBIOUS ATTACKS BY AMERICANS.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE SAYING THAT, BECAUSE YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE
SHOULDN'T KNOW THAT. THEY SHOULD DO THAT SECRETLY,
AND NOT BE DOING THAT THROUGH THE GREAT LAURA INGRAHAM.
THEY SHOULD BE DOING THAT SECRETLY.
NOBODY SHOULD KNOW THAT, LAURA. >> THAT WAS A RUSSIAN--
NO, THAT WAS A RUSSIAN AMPHIBIOUS LANDING.
>> OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE SENDING PEOPLE IN.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES, HE HAS TROUBLE TELLING THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN AMERICA AND RUSSIA. HE KNOWS HE WORKED FOR ONE OF
THEM... WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE JOURNALIST AND
RUSSIAN ANALYST JULIA IOFFE, AND THOMAS LENNON.
STICK AROUND.