hey everybody happy Monday a few weeks
ago I released a video about the five
signs that you have a narcissistic
parent and in that video I asked you
whether or not you would like to see a
video solely about emotional blackmail
and well you all said that you did so
here we go let's talk about emotional
blackmail what it is why people do it
and how we can either stop doing it
ourselves
or get out of situations where someone
might be doing it to us now emotional
blackmail is when someone uses our
empathy and care for them against us and
what I mean by that is that they can
threaten to hurt themselves or someone
else if we don't do what they want so
they're using the fact that we care for
them and their well-being to manipulate
us into doing something for them or
giving them something that they want and
they can even threaten to publicly
reveal personal information or secrets
about us or withhold love and affection
until they get what they want I have
even seen a form of this online over the
years people reaching out to creators
through comments saying that they will
kill themselves if the Creator doesn't
reply now I don't think I have to tell
you just how unhealthy this kind of
behavior is threatening our own life or
the safety of someone else's to get
attention or a need met isn't something
we should engage in and it's a form of
emotional abuse but I also want you to
know that it is completely normal and ok
to want and need things from other
people we all do we all need things like
love support or to feel valued just to
name a few
asking other people for those things
isn't wrong in fact if we were all more
comfortable and okay with reaching out
and speaking up about our needs
manipulation tactics like emotional
blackmail wouldn't be so common so don't
think that you can't need or want things
from other people you totally can but
what we can't do is manipulate them into
giving it to us
that's when it becomes abusive and
harmful to them not to mention our
relationship when I was reading about
emotional blackmail I learned that the
term itself was popularized by a
psychotherapist Susan
forward and she uses the term fog to
explain how manipulative people can use
fear obligation and guilt to get us to
do what they want and I love love love
that acronym because fog literally makes
it hard for us to see clearly and can be
dangerous at times and that's exactly
what fear obligation and guilt can do
when we are scared our brain uses our
stress response you know fight flight
freeze to help us assess and act
accordingly
when this response is triggered our
amygdala you know that fire alarm in the
middle of our brain it sounds the alarm
which causes our prefrontal cortex to go
offline it's like you know takes a break
goes on vacation and therefore we are
more reactive impulsive and can be
really bad at making decisions therefore
when we are in that state we can be more
malleable or easily manipulated
obligation also plays a big role and I
talked about this a bit in the video
about the five signs you have a
narcissistic parent but parents who use
emotional blackmail can act as though
they are owed whatever they want because
they raised us and just as a reminder I
said it before but I'm gonna say it
again we don't owe our parents anything
relationships are not built on laundry
lists and getting what is owed to us
instead our relationship should be based
on mutual love and care for each other
because you've grown together in many
ways and want to be in each other's
lives that's it
we can't keep score tally up who's done
more make laundry lists of all the ways
we were right or gave more all of that
is very toxic behavior and no healthy
relationship can exist when obligation
is used to manipulate so notice as
someone is doing this to you and know
that you do not have to participate in
it
you can say no if it's not something
that you're willing or able to do I give
you full permission
finally there's guilt we have all had
someone guilt us into doing something it
could be through obligation you know I
went with you to that party last week so
it's only fair you go with me to this
one or it could be a lot more
manipulative than that something like if
you don't come over I'll just be alone
and I could do something to hurt myself
you'd hate to blame yourself for that
wouldn't you or you know how bad I've
been feeling I can't believe you'd leave
your own mother or father or friend on
their own like this are you really that
bad of a person whatever they can do to
get us to feel bad for them like poking
us you know feel like we owe them for
all they've done or that we're a bad
person if we don't do exactly what they
want and run to their side they'll do it
they'll do whatever they can to get a
rise out of us to make us feel guilty
because guilt is a huge motivator right
no one likes to feel guilty so we can do
whatever we need to to make that feeling
go away but I don't know about you
things that I do out of guilt
first aren't things that I'm gonna
continue to do and second they're not
things that I enjoy doing it all in fact
I tried to put them off find ways to get
out of it and dread going and doing the
thing it feels so much better to do
things out of love and compassion don't
you think now you can see how all three
fear obligation and guilt can happen at
the same time or that one can easily
lead into another but I just wanted to
give you some examples of each so you
can maybe hopefully notice them more
quickly or at least before you're about
to do something you don't want to do and
now into my favorite part how do we get
ourselves out of these manipulative and
potentially abusive situations the first
setting up healthy boundaries these
should be set up when we aren't actively
angry or sad and are able to use our
wise or reasonable mind consider what
you're okay and not okay with maybe
there
certain things you've done for them over
the years still just make you cringe or
maybe there's our particular things they
ask you for that immediately upset you
it's like they poke your buttons those
are all signs that there was a boundary
that was being crossed and it gives us
an idea of what we should and shouldn't
do in that relationship does that make
sense if not continue to think about
what you're okay or not okay with like
am i okay with someone calling me at all
hours of the night because they need
something I don't know about you but I
am not so a healthy boundary here would
be to put my phone on silent or do not
disturb when I'm going to bed
or am i okay with someone sending a
bunch of messages or texts saying that
if I don't reply they're gonna kill
themselves or do something to hurt
someone else nope
I'm not okay with that either and so I
can either ignore it completely block
them from even being able to text
message email or whatever or let them
know right after they've sent that
shitty or manipulative message that you
will be muting them for a while if they
continue or you know another option I
could even just say that I won't talk to
them when they're acting like that
and once they're willing to have real
conversations I'd open to it those are
all ways to create and uphold healthy
boundaries I know it's hard and super
uncomfortable but trust me if we are
able to stop giving in to their
manipulative behavior we will stop being
hurt by it and as much as they try to
make you think that doing this upholding
those boundaries is hurtful and makes
you a bad person it doesn't remember
they are the ones using fear obligation
and guilt to get you to do things that
you don't want to do they're the ones
who are being manipulative just remember
that my final tip is to work on your
self-talk and I know I know you're sick
of hearing about this but it can be
incredibly helpful when we are
constantly being manipulated it can
erode our confidence and our sense of
self so we have to build that back up
make time every morning to
come up with two to three things you
like about yourself and/or your
situation it takes time and some work
but it does get easier and after a week
or so of doing it you will notice that
your thoughts aren't as hurtful as they
used to be and this will be really
important so that we feel strong enough
to stand up to the emotional blackmailer
when they try to manipulate us again so
stick with it it does get easier I
promise
and the final thing I want to talk about
is how we can stop doing this if we
think we may be using emotional
blackmail in our relationships because
like I said it's actually pretty common
and I believe it's born out of an
inability to express our needs and I
mean I know it could be a lot more
malicious than that if someone is a
narcissist or has antisocial personality
disorder but in this case let's focus on
learning how to communicate in order to
stop using emotional blackmail to get
our needs met we're going to have to
practice communicating our wants and
needs clearly it can help to first look
back at the last couple of times you use
manipulation to get what you want it can
you remember how you felt
or maybe just what it was that you
wanted now I know that might not be
clear so let me kind of give you an
example let's say we manipulated someone
into coming over and having them bring
us food we could think for a while that
we only did that because we were hungry
but I would assume I thought about a
little bit more that it was probably
more about the company and knowing
someone cared about us enough to do that
so try and think a little bit deeper
about the why behind the manipulation
and then we will have the actual want or
need that we should have communicated so
with this example instead of let's say
threatening to hurt myself if they
didn't come over with Chinese food I
could have said you know I've been
feeling lonely and really just could use
some company do you mind coming over to
catch up with me and have some dinner I
know it's really hard to be vulnerable
like that and just tell people how we're
feeling but trust me this is where real
and healthy relationships thrive by
being open honest and letting them
decide if they want to hang out
thus we then know that they are there
because they want to be not because we
tricked them into it and I think we
would all agree that knowing people care
and want to be around us is way more
valuable than the other option I hope
you found this video helpful and it will
thoroughly explained emotional blackmail
what it is why it happens and how we can
stop ourselves from falling victim to it
but as always if you think I left
anything out or if you have other tips
you would like to share please leave
those in the comments down below and I
will see you next time bye
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