WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY'S IN THE SPIRIT.
THE WHITE HOUSE EVE DECORATED.
PRETTY SPOOKY.
EVEN SPOOKIER WAS THIS PICTURE MELANIA TWEETED OF HER VIEW FROM
THE INSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY ACTUALLY MAKE IT LOOK THAT
WAY ALL YEAR LONG SO SHE DOESN'T TRY TO ESCAPE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS YEAR, I DECIDED TO DRESS
UP, MY COSTUME.
I'M A LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST.
WE'RE LIKE VAMPIRES: WE ONLY COME OUT AFTER DARK, AND WE'RE
EXTREMELY PALE.
OF COURSE, IT'S A SCARY TIME FOR DONALD TRUMP.
I BELIEVE IT WAS MICHAEL JACKSON WHO SAID
♪ NO ONE'S GONNA SAVE YOU FROM THE BEAST ABOUT TO STRIKE
'CAUSE THIS IS MUELLER MUELLER NIGHT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, GHOULS AND GOBLINS, JOIN ME
FOR TONIGHT'S TWISTED TALE OF TERROR, "THE FALL OF THE HOUSE
OF TRUMPER."
OUR STORY SO FAR: YESTERDAY, SPECIAL PROSECUTOR
ROBERT MUELLER INDICTED TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN AND
MAITRE D' AT A GANGSTER-THEMED PIZZERIA, PAUL MANAFORT, ON 12
CHARGES, INCLUDING "CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE UNITED STATES,"
WHICH I BELIEVE IS A LEGAL TERM MEANING "GETTING TRUMP ELECTED."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, MANAFORTEE INDICTMENT-- IF
I'M NOT MISTAKEN, MANAFORT'S INDICTMENT WAS EXPECTED
AND TRUMP'S THUMBS WERE STANDING GUARD ON CASTLE TWEET-MORE:
"THE FAKE NEWS IS WORKING OVERTIME.
AS PAUL MANAFORT'S LAWYER SAID, THERE WAS 'NO COLLUSION' AND
EVENTS MENTIONED TOOK PLACE LONG BEFORE HE DOT, DOT, DOT.
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, CAME TO THE CAMPAIGN."
( LAUGHTER ) IRONCLAD DEFENSE.
IRONCLAD DEFENSE.
"DON'T BLAME ME.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW HE WAS A CRIMINAL BEFORE I HIRED HIM."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, NOTICE-- VERY INTERESTING,
VERY INTERESTING NOTICE.
YOU NOTICE HIS NO-COLLUSION WITNESS IS MANAFORT'S LAWYER?
"O.J. DID NOT DO IT.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN SWORE TO ME ON A STACK OF BLOODY GLOVES.
HONESTLY, I THINK HILLARY IS THE REAL KILLER.
OKAY, THEY SAW THIS ONE COMING, MANAFORT, BUT WHAT NOBODY SAW
COMING WAS THAT MUELLER GOT A GUILTY PLEA FROM TRUMP CAMPAIGN
FOREIGN POLICY ADVISER AND LIMO DRIVER THAT WON'T STOP ASKING
YOU IF "YOU PARTY," GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS.
AND HERE'S THE THING: PAPADOPOULOS WAS SECRETLY
ARRESTED BY MUELLER MONTHS AGO, AND SINCE THEN, HAS TURNED
STATE'S EVIDENCE, WORKING FOR MUELLER AS A
"PROACTIVE COOPERATOR."
YES, "PROACTIVE COOPERATOR."
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANCY NAME FOR A CHEAP DATE.
BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN, JEFFREY TOOBIN?
>> WHAT THIS SAYS TO ME IS THAT PAPADOPOULOS, BETWEEN JULY AND
OCTOBER, WAS WEARING A WIRE.
>> Stephen: OOH, PAPADOPO-LICIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WHITE HOUSE
FOLKS WERE CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS... CRAPPED.
( LAUGHTER ) AS ONE SENIOR REPUBLICAN PUT IT,
"THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN," AND "EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT."
OH, ARE THEY?
DO THEY WAKE UP EVERY MORNING FEELING OVERWHELMING DREAD THAT
SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING IN OUR COUNTRY THAT THEY HAVE NO
CONTROL OVER?
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT FEELS...
IF I DRINK ENOUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO THE CLUB!
BUT THIS MORNING, DONALD TRUMP RUMMAGED THROUGH THE "TAKE A
LIE, LEAVE A LIE" TRAY AND CAME UP WITH THIS:
"FEW PEOPLE KNEW THE YOUNG, LOW LEVEL VOLUNTEER NAMED GEORGE,
WHO HAS ALREADY PROVEN TO BE A LIAR.
CHECK THE DEMS!" WE DID CHECK WITH THE DEMS.
THEY FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT THIS.
BUT NICE OF YOU TO ASK.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU'RE RIGHT, HE DID LIE--
TO THE F.B.I., TO PROTECT YOU, WHICH IS WHY HE WAS ARRESTED.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ACCORDING TO TRUMP, GEORGE
IS JUST SOME RANDOM YOUNG PERSON HE'S BARELY HEARD OF, LIKE
TIFFANY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OOO"H"!
>> Stephen: REALLY?
REALLY?
>> Jon: OOOH!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, SIR, THEN HOW COME YOU
SAID THIS WHEN YOU WERE ASKED WHO YOUR FOREIGN POLICY ADVISORS
WERE: >> Stephen: "EXCELLENT GUY.
HORRIBLE CONSPIRATOR.
BUT AS A PERSON, JUST THE TOPS."
MR. PRESIDENT, IF YOU STILL CAN'T REMEMBER HIM, HERE HE IS
WITH YOU AT A MEETING SO PALE, THAT GREEK IS THE DIVERSITY
HIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) , OF COURSE, YESTERDAY--
YESTERDAY?
IS THIS YESTERDAY?
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON AND ANGRY WOMAN BEHIND YOU AT
TARGET, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT PICTURE
AWAY.
>> THIS INDIVIDUAL WAS THE MEMBER OF A VOLUNTEER ADVISORY
COUNSEL THAT MET ONE TIME OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR.
HE WAS A VOLUNTEER ON, AGAIN, A COUNSEL THAT MET ONCE, THAT MET
ONE TIME.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT HE WAS A VOLUNTEER MEMBER OF AN ADVISORY
COUNSEL THAT LITERALLY MET ONE TIME.
>> Stephen: AND I'M TELLING YOU, THAT LITERALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
DID YOU NOT GO TO HEALTH CLASS?
COLLUSION IS LIKE PREGNANCY: IT ONLY TAKES THE ONE TIME, GIRL.
PROTECT YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S TRUE!
YOU GOTTA DOUBLE BAG.
DOUBLE BAG YOUR CAREER.
SO NOBODY KNEW THIS LOW-LEVEL CAMPAIGN WORKER EXCEPT TRUMP,
WHO MADE HIM A FOREIGN POLICY ADVISOR.
IT MAKES SENSE-- HE NAMED HIS GARDEN GNOME ATTORNEY GENERAL
( LAUGHTER ) EXCEPT-- EXCEPT-- ANSWER MY
RIDDLES THREE.
THAT'S NOT PARTY GNOME.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT REFERENCE IS, BUT I LIKED IT.
EXCEPT THEY DID KNOW HIM BECAUSE PAPADOPOULOS WAS EMAILING ABOUT
RUSSIA WITH TOP TRUMP STAFF, INCLUDING PAUL MANAFORT, FORMER
CAMPAIGN MANAGER COREY LEWANDOWSKI, AND
TRUMP NATIONAL CAMPAIGN CO-CHAIRMAN AND COLONEL SANDERS
GETTING "HIGH ON HIS OWN SUPPLY," SAM CLOVIS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHEN PAPADOPOULOS WROTE TO
ASK CLOVIS ABOUT GOING TO RUSSIA TO COLLUDE, CLOVIS REPLIED.
"I WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU... TO MAKE THE TRIP, IF IT IS
FEASIBLE."
WELL, THAT'S NICE.
BETRAY YOUR COUNTRY, BUT ONLY IF IT'S NO BOTHER-- YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"ON YOUR WAY HOME, COULD YOU PICK UP SOME BREAD, SOME EGGS,
AND HALF A GALLON OF TREASON?" NOW, THIS EMAIL FROM CLOVIS
SOUNDS DAMNING, BUT CLOVIS' LAWYER EXPLAINS THAT HIS CLIENT
IS A "POLITE GENTLEMAN FROM IOWA" WHO "WOULD ALWAYS HAVE
BEEN COURTEOUS TO A PERSON OFFERING TO HELP THE CAMPAIGN."
"WHY, SHUCKS, YOU'VE GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE.
IT WOULD BE RUDE NOT TO ENGAGE IN AN INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY
TO UNDERMINE OUR DEMOCRACY."
GO ON.
SO THINGS ARE LOOKING BAD FOR THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THEY CAN'T
WRIGGLE THEIR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE.
IT'S AS IF-- IT'S AS IF ALL OF THEIR LIES HAVE SUDDENLY COME
BACK TO ENTANGLE THE WHITE HOUSE IN SOME STICKY MESH
OF INTERWOVEN THREADS.
WHAT'S THE METAPHOR I'M LOOKING FOR?
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA SAY--
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THIS COULD BE-- FOR TRUMP, IT COULD BE THE
SPOOKIEST HALLOWEEN EVER, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE MUELLER
IS READY TO DROP OFF A FEW MORE FLAMING BAGS OF POOP.