- I hate my dad too.
He cheated on my mom with my babysitter.
- Well, to be fair, your mom has let herself go, Isaac,
but your dad's no hunk either.
They're both really ugly people.
There should be a TV show about you three, "The Uglies".
"The Three Uglies".
"The Three Ugliest People in Lenwood".
- Thanks, coach.
(jazzy music)
- Okay, here we go.
Rule number one: No alcohol use.
I mean, sure, having a couple of beers
to take the edge off never killed anyone.
Well, except for my uncle Eddie and a few close friends.
Shan, whatever you're gonna say, I deserve it.
This is the lowest of the low
the lowest I've been since that time
nobody tried to butt fuck me in prison a couple hours ago.
I'm gonna lose my job, Shannon, and it's all my fault.
I can't believe I spent the team's money
on a prostitute for Matty.
- You had those kids buy another kid a prostitute?
- Jesus Christ, Shannon.
Are you even listening to me?
I didn't have kids buy a prostitute.
I bought the prostitute for a kid
with money from other kids.
(phone buzzes)
Don't move, I gotta take this.
- [All] Hey, coach!
- I just wanted you to know, man.
We're bonding the hell out of each other, man.
It's all good.
- Wow, DJ's titties really fill out that bra, nice.
- Coach, thank you for putting me on the team.
I think it's gonna be good.
- Ah, this makes me really happy.
I'm thrilled you guys are bonding.
(soft music)
Sorry, Matty, I gotta go.
Time to dosey doe.
That rhymed!
Now I'm doing a whole rhyming thing.
I'm stuck.
What luck, I'm gonna go shoot a hockey puck.
Now I'm doing it on purpose and it's not as good.
Don't drink and drive.
(somber music)
- Coach, why do we have to be here?
- Because our revered teacher and coach at Lenwood has died.
But trust me, boys, he was a huge asshole.
- Like you, coach?
- I guess I am revered, sure.
- No, the asshole part.
- Who you calling an asshole, big boy?
Take a lap.
- It's a vigil. - Take a lap!
(heavy panting)
Marcus, if you're listening
to Billy Joel again, I swear to God.
- Huh, oh, sorry.
I was listening to "Glass Houses,"
Billy Joel's second best album.
- Crap!
I don't want my team psyching themselves up
to Billy fucking Joel.
Matty, look at me.
I'm begging you.
I am in the position of submission.
Your dick is in my face.
This is how low I am. - Then move.
- Matty, if I lose I'm fired.
But if I start winning, I get a college gig
and then the pros start calling.
And then the next thing you know,
I'm coaching the Chicago Bulls and I got an infinity pool.
I mean, if I had an infinity pool,
whoa, everybody would be sucking so many of my dicks.
- You gotta tighten it up, dog.
I'm just a 16 year old kid.
You can't be talking to me about dicks getting sucked.
- Please, Matty, if you join the team,
you'll get to be part of something
that is bigger than yourself.
- Lame sauce.
- I wasn't finished.
You'll also get an iPad.
First-generation, it's got a small crack in the screen,
but I've downloaded "Little Man Tate" to it,
which, if you haven't seen, is a very heartwarming film.
- I'm seven feet tall, man.
I'm not interested in little man anything.
- Benjamin, come on, that was like one second.
You have to free your mind, like Opal.
Good, Benjamin, good.
Ah, now tell the Dawa, what're you thinking about?
- It's personal.
- There are no wrong thoughts.
- I'm thinking about, well, one of my favorite movies, okay?
It's about a boy, but he's kind of a man.
He's super little, his name's Tate.
- We talking "Little Man Tate?"
- You bet your ass I am.
- I always wanted to help Tate
figure out how to be a big man.
Oh, that's what made me wanna get into self-help.
- Hold on, hold on.
You're telling me you're into "Little Man Tate"
and you can suck your own dick?
Ha, you might be all right after all, Dawa.
- Thank you.
- I like taking care of him.
That's why they called me the godfather.
Paisan, you wanna go get a calzone?
- Man, what a classic.
I mean, it's no "Little Man Tate," but what is?
So what can I do for you, you big giraffe?
- I got a little situation with one of those rules.
- Don't worry, Matty, I get it.
You smoked crack, pretty sensational drug, huh?
If I'm honest, I did it way more than three times,
and I did what I had to do to get it.
Alright, guys, I'm not gonna lie.
We got our work cut out for us tonight.
This is Tarver fuckin' High we're playing.
They're no joke.
They're pretty good, actually.
I'm not gonna sugar coat it.
We're probably gonna lose, probably by a lot.
Why?
Because they're better than us.
Why?
'Cause you guys aren't good basketball players and they are.
Why?
'Cause you guys got shit genes.
Why?
'Cause your dads fucked the wrong ladies.
How do I know, why?
'Cause they don't have confidence.
Why?
'Cause look at you, how could you have confidence
if that's the fuckin' kid you made?
That's what was living in your nuts?
Why, how the fuck should I explain humanity?
(sharp whistle)
(tense music)
Time out! (sharp whistle)
Did you see that?
We won the tip.
We won the fuckin' tip!
We haven't won a tip in eight years.
It's a new day in Lenwood, you fuckers!
Yeah!
(excited grunting)
You motherfuckers thought I couldn't do it,
but the great coach Hopkins proved you wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, right.
- Coach, I gotta say
this feels like a family here, you know?
And I need that because after my dad left
and my mom had to work some crazy--
- Boring!
Sorry, the story was just really boring.
- Nah, yeah, I get it.
It was, it was pretty boring, you're right.
- Matty, come here, you tall, lanky weirdo.
I gotta say, I think this is
the beginning of a beautiful friendship,
and that right there is a quote from "Little Man Tate."
I think, it didn't download properly.
I never gotta see the whole movie.
- [First Bully] Knock Knock. - [Second Bully] Who's there?
- Probably a pussy in Scott's mouth.
(bullies laugh)
- That's the only ball you'll be dribbling.
- Don't worry about them.
Just shoot the ball, Scott.
- Hey Scott, do you ever wear pink,
or do you just put your dick inside of it?
(taunts and jeers)
Titty lover!
- [Bullies] Vagina eater!
(sharp rushing)
- Hey Ben, someone has a message for you.
(soft music)
- Let her rip, coach.
Protect your players.
(soft music)
(tense music)
- You leave Scott alone, you degenerates.
Just because he likes playing basketball
doesn't make him any less gay.
He can do whatever he wants and be gay, you hear me?
As long as the kid likes naked men's bodies,
and wants to have sex with them, then he's fuckin' gay.
And Shannon, fuck you for not
inviting me to Ron's fuckin' party.
I'm the life of the party in this town,
and everybody knows it.
- It was so stupid of me.
I'm sorry, the party was kinda boring without you, Ben.
Nobody did anything crazy.
- Thank you for admitting that,
it does make me feel a little bit better.
And you, Dawa, stop trying to fuckin' change people.
Sure, I'm angry, but it's who I am,
and if people don't like it,
then they can shove it up their asses.
With that sad, I find it very impressive
you can suck your own dick.
- Thank you, Ben.
- And last but not least,
if anybody fucks with my players one more time,
I'll bury you in the fuckin' ground, you hear me?
Scott, my friend, sorry I didn't defend you sooner.
That's on me.
I thought I was being enlightened,
but the truth is I was being an asshole.
- We're good, coach.
(slow clapping)
- We're not clapping for that.
- What do you mean he's not your dad?
I picked them up from your parents' house in Greenville.
- Right, that's Willie Rothbart, you dumb ass.
The man that bought my parents' old house.
How do you not remember what my dad looks like?
- 'Cause all old white guys look the fuckin' same.
Look, I thought Joe Biden and the oatmeal guy from "Cocoon"
were the stars of "The Kominsky Method."
- I don't know if you not signing these
is some warped way of telling yourself
we'll get back together, but it's not gonna happen.
- A man has died, Shannon.
What is a wrong with you?
Show some respect, please.
Oh, there's my delivery guy.
Hey, buddy, are you my chicken fingers?
I'm starving to death over here.
(light shuffling)
- The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Big shot, if you're up there, show me something.
(fire roars)
Oh my lord!
Whoa, oh God!
- Save the chicken finger!
Somebody grab that bag!
(delivery man screams)
(pained hacking)
(fire crackles)
(soft gasp)
Aw shit, he seemed like a good dude.
We fuckin' did it, we won!
And he fuckin' dunked, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Holy fuck, that's boiling hot!
What the fuck, you idiots?
- Well, we couldn't find the Gatorade.
Sorry, we panicked and grabbed the hot tea.
- Why the fuck do we have hot tea
in the fuckin' gym, you dopes?
Holy shit, that is burning my ass.
It's like a river of lava.
That's not a travel, you half empty beanbag.
- Ben, knock it off.
That was a travel, and don't talk about my weight.
I know I'm too skinny.
I'm dealing with some personal shit right now.
- Your wife left you, I get it, Jeremy.
Beatrice is a chubby chaser,
the whole fuckin' town knows it,
and you fucked it up by losing all that weight.
You think she liked you for your fuckin' personality?
Nope, you're a fuckin' bore.
She liked give her those big fat titties. (laughs)
- You are outta here!
- Good, fuck this shit show, you bony piece of shit.
This is a joke.
(soft music)
And knock it off, you freak.
What are you?
You're a fuckin' human dressed up as a fuckin' human.
Pick an animal.
Oh, I'll give you something to cry about.
(angry grunt)
(loud gasping)
(loud echoing crashes)
(loud yelling and thudding)
(extended screaming)
Oh shit, man, who knew this gym was on the fourth floor?
That is not good.
- It's against the law
to accept a returned chainsaw with blood on it.
(Ben blows a raspberry)
- Then fuck you up your fuckin' ass.
I'm outta here.
And you know what?
We'll figure out how to get
this fuckin' horse's head off ourselves.
You lost my business for life, motherfucker.
I'm never spending a penny in here again.
Oh, gum ball!
Let me see what I got here.
(machine clacks)
Ah, fuck, green.
(machine clacks)
Fucking green, what luck.
(machine clacks)
(laughs) Three greens!
If there's another fuckin' green I'm gonna lose it.
In a funny way.
(machine clacks)
(laughs) Four greens.
I don't want green though.
There comes a time in every man's life
when his God beckons him to move on.
When is that time?
Well, for me, it's right fucking now.
That's right, Coach Hopkins is not gonna be home
to clean up your messes anymore.
Some people may say I'm just doing this
because I had sex with my my wife
and she didn't wanna get back together with me.
And to them, I say, what?
Are you serious right now?
You're seriously fucking thinking that?
That's fuckin' insane.
So today I consider myself
the luckiest man on planet fuckin' Earth,
because it's finally time for me
to get the fuck out of this dump.
And I'm retiring my jacket.
("Star Spangled Banner" plays softly)
(panting and groaning)
I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.
So farewell, Lenwood, and fuck you.
Fuck all of you.
(dull thud)
Oh fuck, I left my fuckin' keys in my fuckin' jacket.
That's why it was so heavy.
This is humiliating.
Everybody look away, pretend this part didn't happen.
(soft grunting)
It's even harder getting it down.
That doesn't make any sense.