Heya playa, have you ever had a crush on someone that you wanted to ask out but
before you did you turn to a close friend or someone you know for dating advice
and they told you just be yourself and everything will work out?
Well, that advice is junk.
It's the worst advice I've ever heard in my entire life.
Just being yourself is not enough to get you the girl and I'll tell you why.
Imagine you wanted to learn how to ride a bike.
You've never touched one before, you've never gotten on a bike,
you've had no experience with bikes before so you turn to a friend and ask them how
do I ride a bike and the advice they give you is just get on the bike and ride it.
How helpful is that really?
Perhaps then you get on a bike and some of the more intuitive things come naturally to you.
You know to put your hands on the handles, your butt on the seat, and your feet on the pedals but
you don't really know much about navigating the different speeds of the bike or how to
actually bring it to a stop or even how to balance it while you're riding it.
That person gave you pretty empty and shallow advice because where
they're coming from they already know how to ride
the bike so they just think it's just a matter of getting on and doing it.
When a person has natural success with something they may overlook all the
other little steps and nuances that come with actually perfecting it, dating is no different.
When it comes to dating there is so much to take into account.
Especially if you're someone that's awkward or nervous or shy
or you've never talked to someone you like before.
And that's kind of why I hate this "just be yourself" advice.
It implies that the person has it all figured out and they know what to do,
they're just not doing it which I don't think is the case for the majority of people.
When it comes to dating, as you get older you start to build up your
self-awareness but alongside that, you're also building up your self-consciousness.
You might start to doubt yourself or wonder if you're even worthy of love by someone else.
For a lot of guys, they're just not used to getting compliments or attention from girls,
and to add on top of that there's still this stigma within society
that men are the ones that should approach first.
Men are always at the forefront of receiving potential rejection so
that can create a major fear in actually pursuing someone that you like.
So when someone says just be yourself are they automatically assuming that you have
that confidence, those communication skills, and no hesitation or fear of rejection at all?
Are they ignoring the part that maybe you are a bit nervous, maybe you are a bit scared, and maybe
having a little bit of help can go a long way in making you feel more confident in who you are.
This is the main reason why I advocate for being your best self.
What that phrase means to me is understanding the different parts of where you struggle, where you
need help, where you can improve, and taking the necessary steps to work on those things.
That might mean reaching out to a friend for help, watching videos like mine,
joining a community of like-minded people that share similar values and goals to you, or reaching
out to a counselor or therapist to help you process some of the things you're struggling with.
If there's someone that you like and you follow that advice of just being yourself
and everything will work out you might actually put your worst foot forward.
You might end up showing them the awkward, nervous, shy part of you.
The one that doesn't really know how to carry conversations or the one that doesn't really
know how to interact with them in a way that can make them more attracted to you.
For example, I recently had this conversation
with someone in the comments section of one of my videos.
What they're essentially saying is that guys should just be themselves.
That using any kind of pre-scripted line or opener or conversation starter or icebreaker
was inauthentic and that instead you should just be authentic and show the girl who you are.
And oddly enough I agree with him, just not as a first step.
You see, for a lot of people they don't really know how to start those conversations.
Having something that they can reference or work off of can allow them to really
feel more confident in who they are in talking to that person.
I like to think of having prepared conversation starters like training wheels on a bike.
When you're starting to ride a bike you use training wheels.
You get the hang of it, you understand all the things I mentioned before.
Balance, speed, and braking.
And once you get a hang of really navigating that bike you no longer need those training wheels.
If you're the type of person who's deadly afraid of starting
a conversation with someone that they like and that's your main sticking point
then preparing something ahead of time can help you get past that.
You might end up finding out that you are a natural when it comes to keeping the conversation
going but you won't ever get to that point until you have something to actually work with.
It is important to wean off of those conversation starters and
to really focus on authentic connections with the person.
You really only get there when you feel like you're in
a place where you can put your best self forward.
Wait a second Josh, doesn't that contradict the fact
that you're always saying people can like you exactly as you are?
When someone says just be yourself
shouldn't that other person just love you for all that you bring to the table?
Yes and no.
The reality of the situation is that not every single person is going to want to
take that active step in getting to know you on a deeper level.
Some people are really just going to decide whether based on your looks, whether based on
a first interaction, whether based on multiple dates that they just don't like you like that.
And that's totally fine, you see each of us has a deep desire to be seen
and heard for who we are so in the process of finding a partner you're gonna start to
peel back those layers and really get to know that person to decide whether
or not they fit your goals, your values, your beliefs, and the life that you want to build.
Which is all the more reason why you should be working on being your best self.
You'll be working on the things you want to improve for yourself
and you'll be working on how to better connect with someone.
How to really evaluate whether this is a person that can like you for who you are
and that you can like them for who they are as well.
The key thing to remember here is that there's no shame in wanting to improve yourself.
Some people are going to figure things out just like that.
Maybe they're the ones who could just be themselves and get away with it while others
are going to have a much steeper learning curve and have to turn to others for advice,
for help, for a pep talk, for something just to motivate them to get moving.
Recognize that you're on this journey.
Everything is small steps and at the end of the day, you have what it takes to be somebody great.
Now if you need help figuring out how to start conversations,
check out my conversation starters guide over here.
I have 20 different conversation icebreakers you can use for your
next conversation if that's something you struggle with.
On that note, I'll catch you next time.
As always, love and peace.