>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS KATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND! WE HAVE A POWER PACK SHOW, A
POWER PACK SHOW TONIGHT, A YOUNG LADY WHO I HAVE GREAT HOPES FOR
IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY, HER NAME IS PINK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] REAL PROMISE.
SHE HAS REAL PROMISE. AND THEN COME OF THIS IS MUCH
THE COMING MAN HERE, JONATHAN MAJORS FROM "AND MAN
AND THE WASP" AND "CREED III," RIPPED, SHREDDED, CHARMING,
FANTASTIC. IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW
THAT I SPEND MY TIME IN THE NEWS KITCHEN TO FIND THAT A TOPICAL
GANDER WITH SAGE AND CELERY SALT BEFORE LEAVING IT OVER A MAPLE
AND PECAN WOOD FIRE HELD AT 220 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT UNTIL I
AM READY TO SERVE YOU THE FLAWLESSLY SMOKED GOOSE THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE, BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I CRASH MY
GETAWAY ZAMBONI INTO A CULVERT BY THE PORT
AFTER SKIDDING OVER A RABID SKUNK, DOUSE IT WITH THE
HALF-A-CHOLULA PACKET IN MY PANTS AND SOME PINE NEEDLES TO
OFFER YOU THE OUTLAW ROADKILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE," NEVER FAILS RIGHT THERE, ETERNAL
AND EVERGREEN. ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, SNAKES CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. THEY JUST DON'T CARE.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT MEANWHILE
INDUSTRIAL SMELTING AND VENDING MACHINE REPAIR SOMETIMES
ENCOUNTER SO MANY DONG-FOCUSED STORIES THAT WE COLLECT THEM ALL
IN OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT: PEENWHILE.
PEENWHILE, ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO
BE THE "FIRST ROMAN DILDO." [LAUGHTER]
IT BELONGED TO ROME'S MOST ICONIC EMPEROR,
"JULIUS PLEASE HER" [LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE DILDO.
NOW THAT IS SOME MUSEUM QUALITY WOULD.
FUN FACT: THAT DILDO WENT ON TO BE USED BY MICKEY MANTLE TO WIN
THE 1956 WORLD SERIES. APPARENTLY, THE PHALLUS IS
16 CENTIMETERS LONG BUT, RESEARCHERS SAY, IT WAS PROBABLY
LARGER BECAUSE ARCHAEOLOGICAL WOOD IS PRONE TO SHRINKAGE.
ALSO SPLINTERS. [LAUGHTER]
PEENWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH
HAS INCREASED OVER THE PAST 30 YEARS.
MAKES SENSE. 30 YEARS AGO WAS THE END OF THE
COLD WAR. [LAUGHTER]
BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT RESEARCHERS
FEAR THE PHALLIC INFLATION IS DUE TO UNHEALTHY HABITS, LIKE
BINGING JUNK FOOD. THEN AMERICANS SHOULD BE THE
MOST ENDOWED MEN ON THE PLANET. [LAUGHTER]
WE INVENTED SUPERSIZING. AND THE BIG GULP.
MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE --
[APPLAUSE] THAT'S WHY WE ARE ON AT 11:35.
MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE TURNING TAXIDERMIED BIRDS INTO
DRONES, WHICH COULD POTENTIALLY BE A VERY USEFUL ESPIONAGE TOOL
BECAUSE IT WILL LOOK MORE LIKE THE REAL THING AND, HOPEFULLY,
IS MORE INCLINED TO BE IGNORED. MAYBE IGNORED BY SPY TARGETS,
BUT WHAT ABOUT OTHER BIRDS? "OH MY GOD!
PHIL? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, HEY
EVERYBODY, PHIL'S BACK! PHIL?
PHIL? IT'S ME MARY!
I LOVE YOU PHIL. DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE THE KIDS?"
[LAUGHTER] GOT KIND OF DARK THERE AT THE
END, DIDN'T IT? 11:35.
MEANWHILE, A POWER OUTAGE AT KENNEDY AIRPORT LAST WEEK FORCED
A NEW ZEALAND-TO-NEW YORK FLIGHT TO TURN AROUND, CAUSING
PASSENGERS TO SPEND "16-PLUS HOURS IN THE AIR ONLY
TO LAND RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY STARTED."
THERE HASN'T BEEN AN AIR TRAVEL HORROR STORY LIKE THAT SINCE
WHATEVER SPIRIT IS DOING RIGHT NOW.
[LAUGHTER] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PINK.