(phone notification)
- Five minutes?
Ugh!
I hope it's not a hybrid.
(hip hop music and car horn honking)
- Well, look who it is.
- Hey, Kumail.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting for my car.
- Here it is. Hop in.
I just detailed this puppy.
- Really? Yeah?
- Yeah!
Got a new air freshener,
just for you.
- Yeah, smells like the mall.
- Yeah.
- Why are you my driver?
- Oh, it's gorilla marketing, you know?
They thought this was the most efficient way
to get the word out about our movie.
Go see The Big Sick!
I'm kidding.
You already know about it.
- Okay, well--
Hey, at least you don't gotta do morning radio, right?
- Yeah.
You know what I miss about making our movie?
- Getting paid to nap in the trailer?
- The immediate feedback on my personality.
- Uh huh.
- Are you in a rush?
- I am.
- Aren't we all?
I wanna be a father,
but I think I'd be better as a cool uncle,
you know what I mean?
He wears no pants.
He lives in the basement.
He doesn't have a job.
Nobody cares.
He's the cool,
yet slightly misunderstood uncle.
- Okay. You doing bits?
What's going on?
- No, these are just my unscripted thoughts
on family dynamics.
You know, cool uncle.
You go to him if you need a condom.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- Who? What guy?
- Speaking of driving,
you know what drives me batty?
- Oh, god.
- Is when my mom calls and she's like,
hey, it's mom.
- I wish I had headphones.
- Yes, I know who you are.
I recognize your voice from yelling at me
to move out of the basement.
- Is this what you're doing?
Trapping people and forcing your comedy on them?
- No.
Just like, you know,
really cool comedians
whose opinions I value.
- Oh. - This guy knows
what I'm talking about, right?
- What guy?
There's no guy.
- What else is going on?
Oh, how-- - Okay, what are we doing?
Why aren't we moving?
- Oh, I'm completely out of gas.
Air conditioner and hair conditioner sound the same,
but they're totally different.
No one's like,
turn on the hair conditioner.
- That joke's a four.
- Four out of what?
Ten?
Five?
Four?
You know, mint's a funny word, right?
Like, you could say something's mint condition,
but that don't mean it smells good.
That's a keeper.
- [Emily] This was fun.
- Wait, we haven't even had sex again yet.
- I'm just not that kind of girl.
I only have sex once on the first date.
I'm just gonna call an Uber.
(phone beeping)
- Your travel will be ready
as soon as he puts on his pants.
♪ Is your bed made?
♪ Is your sweater on?
- Watch and learn, bhai.
Ooh, close!
- I have to tell you something, bhai.
I've been dating this girl.
She's white.
- A white girl? - Shh, okay.
You can't look like you and yell white girl.
It's okay.
We hate terrorists.
(doorbell)
- I wonder who that could be.
- I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman.
- This is Zubeida.
- For your files.
Your X-files.
That's your favorite show?
The truth is out there!
(awkward laughing)
- Are you judging Pakistan's Next Top Model?
- You know how we have arranged marriage in my culture?
- Oh, my god.
I'm so stupid.
Can you imagine a world
in which we end up together.
- I don't know.
- I'm looking for Emily Gardiner.
She was checked in tonight.
- There's an infection.
We put her in a medically-induced coma.
- Coma?
- You should call her family.
- Thank you, Kumail.
We're gonna handle things from here.
- I think I'm just gonna wait anyway.
- You guys broke up.
I'm not sure why you're here.
- I'm just gonna stay for a second.
Is this seat--
Okay.
(dramatic music)
Is that lady still looking at me?
- So, nine eleven--
I've always wanted to
have a conversation with people.
- You've never talked to people about nine eleven?
♪ I'm still standing
- Wanna do anything?
You got any Poli Games?
- No, I've never--
- You ever play You Can't Rhyme It?
You try to find to find a word
that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.
Stonehenge.
- Yeah, see.
You would win.
♪ If you go there
♪ Go with me.
- I think I screwed up with your daughter.
- Yeah, you did.
♪ Won't you take me
♪ Take me, please
- Let me give you some advice, Kumail.
Love isn't easy.
That's why they call it love.
- I don't really get that.
- I know.
I thought I could just start saying something
and something smart would come out.
(wild honey by U2)