*intro*
Let's play charades.
Who am I?
If you guessed Pitfall Harry,
then you're right.
Good ol' Harry got his start in Pitfall, the classic Atari game.
But he didn't start acting like an asshole until the NES came along.
**SUPER PITFALL**
One of the most deceptive uses of the word SUPER in videogame history.
You wanna know why?
You wanna know why this game super SUCKS?!?!?!?!
You wanna see how hard they cranked up the diarrhea dial?
Just watch...
*pitfall music*
*pitfall death sound*
Nice, fuckin' beautiful,
The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat.
Whatever it is...
And even if it wasn't there, i'd fall into the spikes!
So it's basically death insurance.
Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of, IN THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE GAME.
*inhale*
You know? Im disappointed, could there be lava on top of the spikes?
With fire sharks swimming in it? (overkill)
Could there be more spikes? Coming from the sides, ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time!?!?
How about some laser cannons? and upside down volcanoes?
You wanna be even more efficient?!
Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit?! Fuckin' assholes...
*sigh*
Talk about a beginners trap, they sure nailed it.
Well,
Let's talk about pitfall Harry.
He looks like luigi.
And there's something wrong with his walk cycle. Looks like he's hopping on 1 foot.
But the most ridiculous thing about this guy is the way he DIES!
What is that all about???
He goes fuckin' ape shit!!
And even kills the enemies that are nearby!
My only theory of what's going on here is that there's an angel and a devil waiting to take him to either heaven or hell.
It's first-come-first-serve, and they both want em' real bad.
So they are constantly THERE waiting for him to die.
And then as soon as he dies they both grab his arms fighting over his body. (whatever that's about)
*calm voice* That's the only explanation that i can think of.
The enemies in this game are a total joke.
Spiders?
Frogs?
Are frogs a common hazard that you would face in a jungle??
Has anyone ever died by getting attacked by a FUCKIN' FROG???
And he uses a gun?!
Who the hell goes around shooting frogs???
Harry can't shoot while ducking.
And that's a big problem because most of the enemies are too short.
You can hit the frogs, only if you time their jumps veeery carefully
The spiders, the scorpions and just about EVERYTHING ELSE, its like tough shit.
Does harry have a problem with his arms?
He can't point the gun in any direction than right in front of his own fuckin' face?
The number one complaint i have with this game is that all the items are INVISIBLE.
They only appear when you jump in a very specific spot.
Everything from bullets to special objects you need in order to unlock certain parts of the game.
EVERYTHING is invisible.
So unless you KNOW where everything is, you are just gonna have to go through the whole game jumping around like a fuckin' idiot.
The only item in plain sight is gold, but the gold has no purpose other than getting points.
Unless you're playing an atari game, nobody really cares about getting a high score.
It's more about just finishing the game.
So, the gold is there just to waste your fucking time.
You gotta' convince yourself to just walk past it.
But that's hard to do, because not only it is the only thing in the game that is not hidden, BUT IT FLASHES! Like: Ooh! look at that flashing gold! so tempting...
But no.
Just pretend it's not there.
The only other item I found is a crazy bug-eyed animal in a cage.
I have no idea what that is, or when you will ever need it. I don't know... could you ever think of any way to use an animal in a cage?
I can't.
The graphics do a lot of flickering.
There's always something popping out of the edge of the screen.
Like the NES can't handle its awesomeness.
The weirdest thing I ever saw happen was at for a fraction of a second there was like a red clone.
Like who's that supposed to be? The ghost of pitfall Larry?!
Playing this game is like driving an old beat-up car. You are always afraid it's gonna break down.
What happened here? I'm frozen?
Ok well im just gonn- Oh, okay? Now he dies?
I guess the angel and devil were busy looking for him that time.
Nothing about this game makes any sence. The whole layout was designed at pure random.
Like why is there so many ladders that lead to nowhere? Why is there an anti-gravitational lake that's bottom leads to thin air.
Down is the worst direction you can possibly go in this game, because you are always gonna end up falling and killing yourself.
Oh, that's great... They did that on purpose.
It looks like you could just barely steer yourself to the left. But that fuckin' platform is tucked in too far.
Falling, is your worst nigthmare, there's one part where you have to climb up, up, up, and if you make ONE mistake you are falling down, down, down.
You have no idea how long it took to get that far... Now I gotta do it all over again!
This game, is unholy.
It's FUCKING made in hell. I swear!
Oh, shit! What the fuck was that!???!
That's fucking scary!!!
You are just walking around and a head run amok from easter island comes flying towards you!!!
Ok...? How did I survive that?
The weirdest thing is when the face dosen't even come after you the second time! It just sits there.
Then if you walk away, and come back, it disapears.
So where did it go? Who knows, who cares...
This game is a lot like Milon's secret castle, and simons quest.
Because the whole thing is about secrets.
In order to acess certain parts of the game, you have to jump into walls. Who would think to do that?!
It's like in Simon's Quest, where you have to kneel down by the wall holding a red crystal, and wait for a tornado to come.
Ok, well, maybe it's not that cryptic...
This is the last part of the game, some kind of dungeon with skulls and shit, kinda reminds me of temple of doom.
I like this part,
for 2 reasons:
1: It's the only part in the game that has diffrent music.
What a relief!
The other thing, it's the only place that has enemies that are tall enough to shoot.
I don't know why everything else had to be so small.
*angry voice* Like those snails! Killed, by a FUCKING. SNAIL.
Oop, must be pitfall, uhhm, Garry?
That's the princess, or whatever she is, just some girl you are trying to rescue.
When you get to this part, your first instinct is to get over there and rescue her.
Hopefully that means you beat the game, right? But no,
That's some wishful thinking right there, you can walk right through her, you can try to hump her.
But nothing happens...
The game dosen't even give you a clue. You're just supposed to KNOW that you've gotta collect a bunch of secret items before you can rescue the girl.
But if you went down to this dungeon place you're basically trapped. There is a way to get out, but it requires a lot of climbing.
Where one slip can drop you ALL the way back down. You're better off just resetting the game.
So we're jumping around in thin air trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds.
What purpose does this have? I found the princess, does he need to play poker with her or somethin'?
Finding these items, like I said, unless you have a strategy guide or a walkthrough telling you where all these things are,
It's JUST A GUESSING GAME.
Even worse, jumping around can put you in danger.
Come on! A waterfall coming down from the ceiling?!
UUGHHH!!!
Death, by a frog.
Is this girl really worth all this aggrivation?? Look at her, she looks like a fuckin' ragdoll!
There's no limit to how secretive this game is. There's actually a part where you have to warp, by jumping..... into a bird...
You saw that right?
I'm not making that up!
*angry voice* There's a warp zone hidden in a BIRD!!!
How would you ever figure something like that out!?!?!?!?!
Unless it's by complete accident!
If you try touching the rest of the birds in this game, they kill you.
So if you've learned anything from THAT, is to avoid them! How stumped and bored would you need to be to start thinking:
"Hmm, I guess I'm gonna try jumping into birds."
How, the fuck, is a kid, in 1987 without internet, supposed to figure out how to beat this game!?!!??!
(death noise)
So you get all the items, go back into the secret wall, find the princess, and then you win! right?
No. The music changes, but the game still goes on!
Is there any clue? Any dialog box?! Anything to give you a hint on what to do next?!!
*angry voice* Of course not! You just have to assume to go back to the beggining of the game!!
That means climbing out of this dungeon, finding a another secret passageway and work your way back.
But you are not supposed to go back to the exact start point, that would be a little too easy to guess.
So how about this: you fall of a random platform, the screen starts to glitch, *dissapointed voice* and then you win.
*laugh*
Aaand that's it!
Don't you love games that just end with a black screen with plain text??
At least they spelled "congratulations" right...
The 3rd line's a little off center but other than that, I dont see any errors.
I guess that's why they kept it so short, they knew they'd fuck it up!
But the last sentance mystifies me.
*Please try another world.*???
What other world?!
As far as i know, there's a 2nd quest, but it's the same exact game!!
The only difference is that the items are all in different spots.
And after that, the game just keeps repeating over and over and over again like a neverending easter egg hunt!!
*angry voice* But that would be if the easter eggs were full of diarrhea
And the easter bunny was shittin' all over your face!
But i've had enough of bunnies and shit lately...
So im going to end this right here...
WHAT KIND OF MASOCHIST WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE TO BEAT THIS GAME MORE THAN ONCE?!?!?!?
IF YOU DID IT ONE TIME... WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TO PROVE TO DO IT AGAIN!?!?!?
YOU'VE HAD TO BE SOME KIND OF FUCKIN' IDIOT!!!
*plays pitfall*
*outro*