Working in government in France during the long 19th century was… challenging, to say
the least.
In 50 years the country went from a monarchy, to a republic, to an empire, back to a monarchy,
then into a different monarchy, and most of the time working for the old regime was a
great way to lose your career, maybe even your head.
And yet there was one man who coasted through six regimes.
A man, it seems, who never believed in anything -- not divine providence, not revolution,
not equality, not conquest -- he only believed in France.
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Monsieur Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord was born to an aristocratic house about as
old as France itself, but it was never really a powerful house, and by the end of the 18th
century it certainly wasn’t a rich one.
His best option, if he wanted to change that, was to do what his dad did and join the army
and climb the ladder, but climbing was difficult for young Talleyrand, along with running and
jumping, anything to do with legs really because he was hit with a limp from childhood.
So he decides to make some cash with his words and joins the clergy.
He was a bright young pupil who spoke quite eloquently about the inalienable rights of
the church and so he got himself a bishopric and became an honorary member of the first
estate.
And then he immediately backed off because it was becoming abundantly clear that the
third estate was sick of everyone’s sh*t and they were gonna start alienating some
rights.
Talleyrand, then, drops his bishop hat and puts on his revolutionary beret.
He rallies the people, crying “Citizens!
The Time has come to nationalize the church, and lay bare the unalienable rights of the
people!
The time has come to take back Church property, of which I have conveniently recorded a meticulous
itemized list during my time as a clergyman!”
And the revolutionaries have to agree, this guy’s got some pretty good words, maybe
even the best words, so he gets brought in to the new government, he helps draft the
Declaration of the Rights of Man, he’s working to reform voting rights, and securing loans,
and limiting money printing, and advocating new regulation for police, and what could
possibly go - oh, right.
Him.
Paris devolves into a spiraling typhoon of revolutionary zealotry turned hysteria with
no way out and Robespierre ordered everyone’s heads cut off including Talleyrand, but luckily
for Talleyrand he was stationed in the safest place a French politician could be at the
time -- London.
He was over there trying to avoid war like “please, just - just trust me, they’ll
get their act together”
That didn’t go so well, and then Britain kicks him out so he’s forced to couch surf
with Aaron Burr for a little while until his friends in France manage to get him off the
hit-list.
He gets a fancy new office as Foreign Minister, and then immediately causes a war with the
US because he wanted the Americans to pay to negotiate with him, but we pretend it never
happened because just like every war since 1942, Congress didn’t officially declare
it to be a thing.
All the while, Talleyrand’s got his eyes on this up-and-coming General Bonaparte.
Talleyrand starts writing him fanmail, and although they disagreed on some points, they
end up becoming good friends.
Napoleon ends up letting him in on a little secret that he’s planning on overthrowing
the government, and Talleyrand decides you know what I want a piece of that action.
So with some fancy footwork I’ll have to save for the patreon commentary because it’s
kind of complicated, Napoleon ends up the most powerful man in France and transforming
a consulship into an empire in record time!
And then - oh boy, then he really starts popping off.
So when Napoleon declared himself emperor, he modelled himself off of Charlemagne, and
included the title King of Italy.
This angered everyone.
But Napoleon had been planning for this ever since he sold Louisiana to the yanks and created
a navy to rival Britannia, at least when you also added Spain’s navy.
And unlike the last time Spain tried to invade England, this wasn’t going to be decided
be some freak weather, this would be a battle of epic proportions, a pivotal moment in world
history that stood in the way of French dominion over all Europe.
If you can’t tell, this is where I’m bringing in MagellanTV, they’ve got a documentary
In Nelson’s Footsteps that tracks the life of the Legendary Admiral Nelson who led the
British, and Trafalgar: The World’s Greatest Naval Battle that engulfs you in the fiery
clash where he gave his life.
Good stuff!
All I can say in summary is that Britain won, hard, and that allowed them to be a thorn
in Napoleon’s side for the rest of his life, even when he won almost every battle he fought
on the continent.
Basically Britain placed an embargo on France and Napoleon said “How can you embargo me…
when I control all of Europe?!!”
And he turned half of Europe into French puppet states and bullied the other half into not
trading with Britain anymore.
I think it might be taken a little for granted in hindsight, but um, that’s f***ing insane,
no one had had that kind of power since Charles V or Charlemagne!
For Talleyrand, this meant, life was good.
Napoleon made him a prince of Benevento, he’s got several chateaus and a celebrity chef
at his beck and call, and he tells Napoleon “Hey, now would be a great time to consolidate
our gains.
To peace in Europe, yeah?”
“To peace in - what is that?”
“What?”
“That!
Right there!”
“That’s Portugal, they’re like 1% of Europe”
“They’re traders.”
“Napoleon, it’s not worth it, please don’t-”
[Chant du depart intensifies]
And so war breaks out in Portugal.
And it keeps going, and going, and the British have an army on the continent again, and there’s
Spanish rebels, and on the other side of Europe Russia’s trading with Britain again and
Napoleon goes charging in but they’ve dealt with this before, Napoleon can take Moscow
if he wants but there’s won’t be much left by the time he gets there.
Talleyrand is starting to see the writing on the wall, and the last thing he wants is
for France to get Versaille’d once this whole thing is over.
So he starts sending some post cards.
Maybe, for instance, he has some secrets that Austria or Russia might be able to get some
use out of.
And when the Allies converge on Paris, they find themselves negotiating not with Napoleon,
but with a provisional government supported by the senate.
The Tsar of Russia explains “Look, we don’t hate France, we just really need to get rid
of Napoleon.
Just hand him over and we’ll go back to before the revolution and pretend you didn’t
drag the continent into war for twenty years.
What do you say, Mr. President?”
“I dig it”
Napoleon’s carted away to Arkham, otherwise known as Elba, and Talleyrand is left to pick
up the pieces.
The allies bring back the old monarchy but with a constitution this time, and they still
really want to punish France for declaring war on most of Europe six times, but Talleyrand
takes the stand to defend his country, pointing out “My dear friends, I think it is safe
to say you owe me one.
Russia, who was there for you when you wanted out of the embargo?
Prussia, who gave you a shoulder to cry on when half your land was taken?”
Queen of Prussia: “By you!”
“Look, we might deserve to be punished, but look what happened when one country got
too much power.
If you cripple France, then Britain would get too much power and I think I speak for
everyone here when I say we do not want that.”
Talleyrand: “To peace in Europe!”
All: “To peace in Europe!”
“Napoleon has escaped Arkham and taken over France!”
Waterloo ended up sorting things out and Napoleon was sent to Saint Helene where he was never
heard from again, but the next treaty was a little less lenient and sure enough the
19th century belonged to Britain, albeit not in a take-over-the-entire-continent kind of
way.
Talleyrand went into a sort of soft retirement, funding a very pro-Orleanist newspaper, and
then the House of Orleans actually took over the monarchy, and so it fell to Talleyrand
to explain to Britain “No, just because they’re monarchs who took power during a
revolution, that doesn’t mean there’s going to be another Napoleon”.
Unfortunately he died in 1838 just ten years before France was taken over by another Napoleon.