♪♪
-Hey, everybody. We just wrapped up our final show
of 2022, and in our staff meeting today,
one of our producers said,
"You know, let's keep in mind that
as soon as the show is over,
people are going to want to get out of here.
They have flights to catch,
trains to catch, and
traffic's pretty bad with the tree.
So.
Let's keep it moving."
[ Laughter ]
But at the same time, it's just so nice to be with each other.
[ Laughter ]
Last Thursday, we showed a picture
of what we called a Nissan Maxima.
We were told it was a photo of a Nissan Altima.
I wanted to be sure.
So I went down to my Nissan dealership.
Get to the bottom of it.
Long story short.
I'm the proud owner of a new Nissan Sentra.
[ Laughter ]
Showed a photo of Trump getting shot out of a cannon.
Some criticisms.
One was that that tie is going the wrong way.
And another was he couldn't fit into that cannon.
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to give you the tie.
Can't defend it.
But the way these cannons work is you gotta
jam something in there.
It doesn't look like it's going to fit.
But you got to make it work.
Sarah Jenks-Daly, one of our producers,
did the sweetest thing.
She wrote a holiday corrections poem.
[ Laughter ]
To the theme of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
And it mentions a lot of the wonderful people I work with.
[ Laughter ]
Beautifully written. Got choked up reading it.
And the reason I got choked up is
Corrections does not accept staff submissions.
[ Laughter ]
Told a long story last week about trying to watch
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" on the plane
and how we weren't allowed to because someone on the flight
was allergic to peanuts.
It did not play in the room because apparently
everyone here is allergic to jokes.
I did make a mistake.
I called the woman who worked on the plane a stewardess,
which is, of course, an outdated term.
I should've said flight attendants.
Apologies. In my defense,
last Christmas we did fly Pan Am.
[ Laughter ]
Also another correction I'd like to make.
I said the flight attendas-- Excuse me. I said the flight
attendant told us we couldn't watch
"Charlie Brown Christmas," but I was paraphrasing.
What she actually said was wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about how much Shoemaker likes
the Grinch, but only before he switched and how angry he is
at the Grinch.
And he's -- I mean, especially this time of year
because there's a lot of Grinch decorations
and they're all very triggering for Shoemaker.
And so he's always just sort of bursting into my office
to unload all his Grinch anger at me.
Saying stuff like, "I'll tell you where that Christmas-loving
wuss should never show his face -- Shoeville!"
[ Laughter ]
But the thing about Shoemaker, and again,
he contains multitudes, right?
A lot of times he's really aggressive,
ranting about how much he hates Christmas.
But then the other day he wanted to talk to me,
and I knew he wanted to talk to me because
he just starts banging on the wall
between our offices.
Angry bangs, and I went in. He goes,
"Close the door behind you."
And so I closed it behind me. And then he just looks at me
and goes, "What's your Christmas dream?"
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "What?" He goes, "What's your Christmas dream?
If you could have one Christmas dream come true."
I was like, "I don't know. I guess,
you know, be with my family." And then he's like...
Which is his way of saying, "Ask me what mine is." Right?
So I'm like, "What's your Christmas dream?"
He goes, "That a Christmas angel would change everything
to chocolate.
You hear a gliss
and then everything in your life would be chocolate."
And I was, "Okay."
And he's like, "If you don't like it, get out!"
[ Laughter ]
We've been talking about the time
I wore the Mike Scollins tank top.
There's a photo there.
[ Laughter ]
And, you know, the picture -- That's T.J.
Was a lovely artist who sent us the picture of Scollins.
And he sent a new one because he noticed that in the photo,
I'm holding a mike and that's a Mike, Mike Scollins.
And he did a beautiful piece of new art that I think...
[ Laughter ]
We -- Scollins, who writes jokes that make people unhappy.
[ Laughter ]
Wrote a joke about get vaccinated because
for no other reason than Santa is 2,000 years old.
We talked about this last year. We showed a picture of Santa.
A lot of people said that it didn't look like
2,000 years old, and then we showed an older Santa
and then Scollins, because I think this would have --
He sent me this. He goes, "I think this would have made
the get vaccinated because Santa's 2,000 years old,
I think this picture would have made it work.
[ Laughter ]
In yesterday's "Closer Look," Sal made some jokes
about weed dealers that Baze
then busted him on, claiming that anyone who thinks
a weed dealer has things like beaded curtains
or a fanny pack clearly doesn't smoke weed.
Sal got very defensive.
He told us all that his weed dealer
does, in fact, have a fanny pack, and then to prove
he has a weed dealer, he took out a bag
and opened it up, and it was overwhelming,
the odor of oregano.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of you noted that Corrections has a lot of inside
jokes about the crew and the staff.
Sarah's poem had a ton of them.
Would probably play pretty hot if I read it out loud.
But rules are rules.
[ Laughter ]
So it's hard at times to know what I'm talking about.
So we thought we'd give you a little
primer on the new slang terms we're using around the office...
[ Laughter ]
...in a segment called "Seth Explains Late Night Slang."
♪♪
Our first and only new slang term is "Baze of Glory."
Let's see the definition.
When you think of something so funny
that you have to say it out loud,
even though it works against your own interests.
Let me give you an example. True story.
Bass, our wonderful head writer,
Alex Baze, got married to Sue this year.
His beautiful wife.
Hadn't seen my mom in a while. My mom comes to the show.
Baze is talking to my mom and Baze says to her,
"I got married since the last time you saw me."
And then my mom says to Baze, "How long?"
Not "how long ago," which would have made more sense.
But she says, "How long?" And because she said "how long,"
Baze says to my mom, "I give it two months."
[ Laughter ]
I should note Baze admitted to us he then went home,
right home and told Sue.
Too good not even to tell Sue.
We said Cheeto dust.
Cheeto dust is called Cheetle.
I didn't know that, but that's the word.
Also, Chester Cheetah is the character's name.
He was played by the actor Don Cheadle.
[ Gong sounds ]
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of mascots, I need to put a stop to something.
I have mentioned that the most haunting mascot
that I ever saw on television was
the McDonald's character Mac Tonight.
I was not joking around.
And yet, because we have given some of you
a P.O. box address,
you're taking advantage of that and sending me
things like this postcard.
[ Laughter ]
"We saw this and knew that, as Mac Tonight's biggest fan,
you had to have it. With love, a couple of jackals."
I don't want to see him.
Ever.
By the way, this, though, is a dream
compared to this nightmare.
First of all, just addressed.
From him.
[ Laughter ]
Black envelope.
First thing I see --
a $2 Mac Tonight phone card.
[ Laughter ]
Which I guess is what he, like, tosses down to you
when you're in his dungeon.
[ Laughter ]
And then this.
Right?
Mac with a picture.
What the [bleep] is this?
[ Laughter ]
That's the mo-- I hate this so much.
That's like a still in a horror movie.
And then a woman calls the cops and the cops
show up and he's gone.
They're like, "Tell us one more time
what he looked like, ma'am."
She's like, "It was -- It was a crescent moon."
And then his partner's like, "Waxing or waning?"
It's like, "Not now, Mike."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm just saying, if it was waning,
might solve itself."
[ Laughter ]
Day drinking with Lizzo, did it last Saturday.
Aired it on Tuesday.
Guys, lovely.
My time with Lizzo, may I never forget it.
With that said, the fallout of day drinking
is always going home to my family.
And that night I'm just like,
walking around, you know, bumping into things.
And my wife says from bed, "Can you just please be careful?"
And I say, "It's not my fault that I'm out here
getting loose. Got to blame it --"
And she says, "Stop."
[ Laughter ]
And I say, "Stop what?" She goes, "I know what you're doing.
You're quoting Lizzo lyrics, and no one wants that from you.
You're a 48-year-old man with three kids."
And I'm like, "I'm being serious here.
If you're mad at me, you got to blame it on one,
the Goose."
[ Laughter ]
"Two, my juice."
[ Laughter ]
And then she said, "Either you're sleeping on the couch
or I am."
And I just said, "Ya-ya-yee."
[ Laughter ]
The next day, even worse because now I'm just hungover, useless.
Trying to be helpful, trying to fight
through my hangover.
And one of our sons had wet his bed.
Totally natural.
But I decided to be the hero and I'm like,
"I'm going to take care of it. I'll strip the sheets."
And I'm stripping the sheets.
And there's one more sort of like zipper sheet around it.
And I yell downstairs, "Am I -- Which one?"
And she goes, "Anything that's wet,
you've got to wash."
Great. So I unzip that, throw it in.
Blah, blah, blah, wash it.
And then the next day, she's in -- I can tell --
she's mad about something. I'm like, "What's wrong?"
She goes, "It took me -- You washed the wrong thing.
It took me 12 hours to dry it.
And I said, "It took you 12 hours?
Were you using a process called doing it wrong?"
-♪ Shot down in a ♪
-♪ Baze ♪ -♪ Of glory ♪
[ Laughter ]
Alright.
My assistant Chelsea brought me this today.
Bag. She said it was left at the front desk.
Of 30 Rock. Here's the postcard.
"Happy holidays, Seth.
For most enjoyment, open during Corrections.
Mikey the Shoe can take a peek if you're unsure.
Your secret jackal."
Considered it all day
whether or not I should take a peek.
Lot of effort was made, though.
I did not show it to Mikey the Shoe.
That's the deal here.
It's a [bleep] human head.
[ Laughter ]
It's worse.
[ Laughter ]
Um, I think that's all.
I think that's about everything.
[ Harp plays ]
Was that the Christmas gliss?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, one last thing.
I referred to the Mario Bros. character Bowser as a turtle.
I was told Bowser was not a turtle.
He is, depending on who you ask, a big sea dragon,
a tortoise, or a Koopa.
So Bowser is not a turtle,
but I am an adult, so I'm just going to move on.
[ Clink ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Merry Christmas, everyone.