Clay Andrews: Did your ex come back after a rebound? Mine
did, and that's what I'm going to tell you about today in a little story from my past.
But first, my name is Clay with ModernLove.Life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are.
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Anyway, with that being said, let's kind of get into this. So, the story I want to share
with you today is actually about the second breakup that my big ex and I had. If you're
familiar with the story we broke up two times. The first time I learned absolutely nothing,
and we can just go ahead and skip over that. But the second time we broke up she actually
ended up breaking up with me because a friend of her brother was sort of interested in her
and he convinced her that they should get together.
Now my ex, she has low self-esteem, or had low self-esteem, I hope she's got that handled
since then, but she had low self-esteem so basically if someone asked her to do something
she would say yes, apparently even breaking up with me. Unfortunately it didn't work the
other way where I could just say hey, you want to get back together with me, and she'd
say yes. But no, no, she was in this rebound relationship. I felt kind of powerless to
do anything about it because at the time I was actually studying abroad in Italy, I was
in college at the time, and I was going to come home shortly in probably about a month
or a month and a half or something like that for the holidays, but I guess just the distance,
we'd never done a long distance relationship before, but the distance, it just seems too
much for her so she just decided to break up with me and get together with this other
guy, and they were in a rebound relationship. And when I was back at home for the holidays,
I was in the small town that we both grew up in, and I did my best to try to get back
together with her but the connection, it just was not working out. I was trying some mind
game stuff, whatever passed for that back then. The internet has evolved an awful lot
since then, but whatever passed for that back then. I tried it out and it did not work so
well. And her and I, we just kind of stopped talking for the remainder of the holiday break.
And then once the holidays were over I went back to the big city, it was only a couple
of miles away, but someone without a car and you had to take bus transfers and all that
stuff, it took me about two hours to get to and from my actual university campus to the
hometown that I grew up in where she also happened to live.
We were kind of an inconvenient distance from one another, let's put it that way. I was
just kind of getting back into school, going about doing my normal things, and I kind of
stopped talking to her for a while because we had this big falling out over something
stupid, and I was kind of unintentionally doing this whole no contact thing. And what
happened was one time in between classes, again this was a long time ago, back before
we all had smartphones and stuff like that. So I would actually go to use some computer
terminals in between classes to check email. A lot of people did this, you just log in,
see if you had any new emails, it took like a minute or two, and then you'd go off to
your next class. And so I did this after her and I hadn't been
talking for I don't know, three or four weeks or something like that, and there was an email
from her. She said that she was really frustrated with this game that we were playing where
we weren't talking to each other, and she just missed me and wanted to talk to me. And
I thought this was really strange because I knew that she was in a relationship with
this other guy. I went off to my next class because I didn't have time to talk to her
then. I did have a cell phone back then, but it was not a smartphone. And so I went to
my class and by the time I got out of that class I noticed that she had called me several
times. And so I found a place where I could sit down and talk with her, found some time
when I could do that, and we talked and it turned out she really missed me and she really
said that she was undervaluing the certain qualities about me and was learning to really
appreciate certain qualities about me. And so we talked a little bit and then we
agreed to get together, I think it was that weekend or whenever it was convenient. And
I was honestly really nervous. We got together at a little coffee shop, we talked, thankfully
we just sort of fell into some nice, polite conversation, connected, there wasn't any
kind of hurt feelings from the, stupid petty things that we did before.
But as far as I'm aware she was still in this rebound relationship. I guess the relationship
wasn't going so great because of issues with this other guy, different personalities between
me and him, I guess he wasn't as great as he seemed to be, whatever. But me and my ex,
we were talking, we were connecting, things are going pretty well. I didn't push the whole
topic of the rebound because honestly I didn't want to know about it. And honestly, I'm glad
I kind of took that approach because that's not what you want to do. You don't want to
be pushing the topic of the rebound. What you want to do is you want to be focusing
on the connection between you and your ex, and that is thankfully what I did at that
time. This was of course long before I became a dating and relationship coach.
And so over the next several months actually we took it very slow, plus it was my senior
year at college so I had a lot of studying and work and stuff like that to do. But over
the course of the next several months we actually start to connect more, talk more, slowly build
up the connections that we were having and the emotional foundation between the two of
us. I didn't really push a whole lot to learn more about this rebound relationship though
in moments of connection she would actually volunteer some information like, oh, how he
was doing this thing that she didn't like, or how I had this certain characteristic or
quality that she really took for granted, and he was lacking or something like that.
And eventually it kind of got to the point where we now started to get closer together
and started to do things together, and it kind of came out that okay, she had actually
broken up with this guy, or maybe he broke up with her, actually I don't even know because
I didn't dig too much into the details there. That's another point right there. You don't
want to be kind of prying too much into this. Again, the most important thing you can do
is focus on the quality of the connection between you and your ex. Don't worry about
the rebound, don't worry about what's happening, don't worry about what's not happening. As
long as you have the emotional connection in place you're doing what you need to do.
If you focus on the rebound relationship you're going to create a sense of basically you're
going to make it come across like you are insecure and it's going to of course backfire
on you. So what you want to do is focus on what you
can control, which is the quality of connection that you have between you and your ex, and
you want to focus on nurturing that and just have this sort of spaciousness where they
can come to you and talk about things if they want to, but don't press for it. Now of course
if she'd come to me and said oh hey, I have this new relationship with this other guy,
it's going wonderful, or something like that, yeah, that probably would have been a good
point to put up a boundary. Thankfully that never happened but she did volunteer a lot
of the problems that they are having, and I was just there listening and there to connect
with her. And the stronger our emotional connection got the more confident she felt in kind of
leaving this other guy in order to get back together with me. And that's actually what
ended up happening. And now you know you can call this monkey
branching or whatever, and I suppose that is what the term is, but that is what happened.
And it happened because there was that emotional connection between me and her. That's to say
she felt more comfortable and more confident in what was sort of reforming between the
two of us that she felt okay and safe in letting go of that other relationship, which was not
meeting her needs, and so she felt more and more comfortable getting back together with
me. And so that's the main lesson in all of this
is you have to focus on the emotional connection between you and your ex. That is the most
important thing. I know that there's probably every instinct that you have is saying laser
focus in on the rebound relationship, micro analyze what they're doing, what they're not
doing. Are they getting closer? Are they doing this together? Are they not doing that together?
But what you want to focus on is putting that aside and just focusing on connecting you
and your ex together, and making sure that is as strong and as emotionally robust as
possible. And that's really the best thing that you can do in that sort of situation.
So yeah, eventually we got to the point where me and my ex did get back together, it happened
on a nice June afternoon, we were together. I believe at that point she had already broken
up with the other guy and she basically said, "Hey, do you think I can be your girlfriend
again?" And I gave her a hug and a kiss and we were boyfriend and girlfriend again. But
anyway, that's that story. Yes, it is possible to get your ex back after they go into a rebound
relationship. I did it, I've helped a lot of people who have been in a similar situation,
and yeah, if you'd like to get more tips, advice, and strategies on how to do all of
that and how to save your relationship, we do have that email newsletter down below in
the description box. Feel free to sign up, it's totally free. If it's not right for you,
no problem, that's okay too. But anyway, thank you again for watching this
video. If you do like this video please make sure that you give it a like and subscribe
to the channel as well too. You may also want to check out this video series over here on
what your ex is thinking, what's going on with them in their mind. You may also want
to check out this video right here as well too. But anyway, thank you so much for watching,
please take care and I'll see you in the next video.