-Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here. You're watching.
Big show tonight.
Let's get to some news.
First, you guys, this weekend
was Queen Elizabeth's platinum jubilee.
That's right. Britain marked the Queen's 70-year reign with
four days of parades, parties, and celebrations.
Yeah, four days.
Basically, the Queen is like your annoying friend who insists
on celebrating their "birthday month."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the Queen celebrated 70 years of sitting on the throne.
When he heard, your uncle who does "The New York Times"
Sunday crossword puzzle said, "Challenge accepted."
[ Laughter ]
It was a star-studded event with performances from
Elton John, Rod Stewart, and Ed Sheeran.
Yeah, when Ed first walked out,
the Queen was like, "Oh, Harry, you're back."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's Ed Sheeran.
Meanwhile, Prince Andrew did not attend any festivities
due to a positive COVID test.
Andrew was like, "It's weird.
I keep testing positive right before every public event.
Can you imagine the odds?" [ Laughter ]
Yep, the Queen made several appearances this weekend.
And at one point, she showed up
as her younger self in the form of a hologram.
This is real. Check this out.
Look at this.
Yeah. It got confusing when there was a glitch
and Tupac started waving to the crowd.
[ Laughter ]
But the carriage ride wasn't
Queen Elizabeth's only surprise appearance.
She also starred in a short film having tea with Paddington Bear.
It's really cute. It's real. Take a look.
-Perhaps you would like a marmalade sandwich.
I always keep one for emergencies.
-So do I.
I keep mine in here.
-I love that. Come on.
She's the best. It's so fun.
It went much better than Paddington's meeting
with another world leader.
Watch this.
-Thank you for the sandwich.
[ Laughter ]
But I'd prefer it if you took the first bite.
-Yeah, yeah, very smart.
Very smart, Paddington.
I wouldn't -- I wouldn't --
[ Applause ]
Yeah, it was a four-day event honoring the Queen,
but it was 4-year-old Prince Louis who stole the show.
Here he is at yesterday's pageant parade.
Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God!
-After 20 minutes, Kate was just like,
"Just hand him the royal iPad, please."
[ Laughter ]
Now when Kate says, "Yeah, he's a real prince,"
people know she's being sarcastic.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Prince Louis' antics were
going viral all weekend.
Here's one photo here.
[ Laughter ]
Looks like he's gathering his strength
for an 8:00 a.m. Zoom meeting.
[ Laughter ]
Here's Prince Louis next to the Queen.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That was actually after she started telling him
"Top Gun" spoilers.
He's like, "Don't say Goose, don't say Goose."
And, of course, there's this one here.
That's him pretending he's a passenger on Spirit Airlines.
That's very interesting.
[ Laughter ]
Switching gears, there are rumors swirling around
the Vatican that Pope Francis might soon announce
his retirement.
When asked what he's going to do next, the Pope said,
"Greeter de Walmart."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, at his age, Pope Francis said that he could either retire
or become quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
That's interesting. [ Laughter ]
You guys hear about this?
The new head of CNN said that the network is going to stop
using the "breaking news" banner.
They said they use it too much. He's got a point.
They do use it quite a bit.
If you don't believe me, take a look at some of the stories
they classified as breaking news today.
First, there was this.
"Poll says 54% of Americans do something the other 46% don't."
[ Laughter ]
-Breaking news? -That's breaking news.
-Yeah. -There was also this story here.
"You know that celebrity who was dating that other celebrity?
Well, now she's dating a different celebrity."
[ Laughter ] These aren't breaking --
And finally, this one says,
"Glenn holding steady at 547th most popular baby name."
[ Applause ]
Breaking news. -Breaking news.
-Breaking news, Glenn with two N's.
That's right, CNN is trying to tone things down
with their "breaking news" graphics.
Meanwhile, MSNBC is going in the exact opposite direction.
Yep. Check out what I saw this morning.
Watch their breaking-news alert on MSNBC.
-Breaking news, bitches! [ Explosions ]
-You know what I'm saying? -Wow.
-It's the opposite. -It gets your attention.
-I was nervous.
It was just that Glenn was the 547th most popular baby name.
-That's breaking news.
Bitches.
[ Laughter ]
-Listen to this, guys.
Apple just announced a new feature that will allow people
to edit and unsend messages.
[ Audience oohs ]
When they heard, Apple users were like, "Finally.
What the duck took you so long?"
You know? [ Laughter ]
Yep, you can now unsend messages.
Now everyone gets to play that fun game,
"Did they see it before I deleted it?"
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Well, hey, get this. According to a new study,
the actors whose names we mispronounce the most are
Saoirse Ronan, Joaquin Phoenix, and Ewan McGregor.
-Come on, those are easy.
I've never mispronounced any actor's names.
It's my job, you know. Go ahead, try me.
-You want me to test you on how to pronounce actor's names?
-Mm-hmm. -Okay.
Well, we'll start out simple. Who's this next to you?
-Oh, that's easy.
Samuel LaJackson.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. Who's this?
-Robot Diner.
Come on, give me some hard ones, man.
-You want rapid -- -Rapid-fire me.
-You want rapid fire? -Fire away, man.
-I'm not sure this is a great idea.
Alright. Here we go. Let's just start rolling.
Who's this? -Easy. Cate Blanket.
-No. [ Laughter ]
-Eighteen Bananas.
-Mnh-mnh. [ Laughter ]
-French Fries McDonald. -No.
-Batman Riddler. [ Laughter ]
Leggo My Eggo.
Penn and Teller.
Oh, that's Been Eatin' Del Taco.
Gilligan's Island.
Itchy Dandruff.
Tennis Elbow.
Shining Taint.
He'll Want To Bone In The Car.
Oh, I love this guy. Love this guy. Colon Birth.
-Alright, that's very good.
Steve Higgins, everybody. Very talented.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Very talented.
-Glenn.
-Hey, guys, I read about a theme park in Pennsylvania where
a ride malfunctioned and left passengers stuck upside-down.
[ Audience ohs ]
They couldn't fix it, so they just said the theme of the ride
was "Stranger Things."
[ Laughter ]
This went viral. Two women in England were relaxing on
an oversized chair, and they realized that they
couldn't get out. Watch this.
-Jesus Christ!
Jes-- Use your crutch, Sue.
Use your crutch. Use your crutch.
Jesus, Sue, give her your crutch.
Use your crutch.
[ Laughter ] Use your crutch.
-In all fairness to Sue, it really does look like
she's using her crutch as hard as she can.
[ Laughter ]
Fake friends help you out of a chair.
Real friends film you, laugh,
and then post the video on the Internet.
Anyway, they live there now. [ Laughter ]