THE OSCARS HAPPENED LAST
NIGHT.
ALL THE STARS WERE ALIGNED ON
THE RED CARPET.
AND ONCE AGAIN WHO WAS THERE TO
REALIGN THEM?
NONE OTHER THAN OUR AMIGO
GUILLERMO, WHO FILED THIS
REPORT.
♪
>> Guillermo: HI, IT'S ME
GUILLERMO.
I'M HERE AT THE OSCARS.
AND IT'S TIME TO GO BANANAS WITH
DON JULIO 1942.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
>> HI, GUILLERMO.
>> Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Guillermo: YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Guillermo: ARE YOU HAPPY FOR
WHITE PEOPLE THIS YEAR?
>> HAPPY FOR WHITE PEOPLE?
>> Guillermo: YEAH.
THEY'RE ALL NOMINATED.
IT SEEMS LIKE THIS IS THE YEAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S THEIR YEAR EVERY YEAR.
RIGHT?
>> Guillermo: MOST OF THE TIME.
>> YEAH, MOST OF THE TIME.
>> Guillermo: IS HITLER COOL?
>> NO.
>> Guillermo: NO?
>> HE'S AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHO.
>> Guillermo: HI, AL PACINO.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU?
>> VERY WELL.
>> Guillermo: ARE YOU AFRAID OF
AL PACINO?
>> I'M TERRIFIED OF HIM.
IS HE HERE?
>> Guillermo: WHO'S MORE CUTE,
BABY YODA OR ME?
>> BABY YODA.
>> Guillermo: YOU KNOW MERYL
STREEP, RIGHT?
>> I DO.
>> Guillermo: SHE'S NOT
NOMINATED THIS YEAR.
>> I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
SHE SHOULD BE NOMINATED FOR
WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
>> Guillermo: I SAW IT TOO.
SO I MADE HER A CARD AND I WANT
EVERYBODY TO SIGN IT.
>> YEAH, THAT'S SWEET.
I THINK THIS IS REALLY GOING TO
MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.
>> Guillermo: SIGN OVER HERE SO
SHE CAN FEEL BETTER.
>> THAT'S LOVELY.
>> Guillermo: ANYTHING YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY TO MERYL STREEP?
>> YES.
YOU'RE A LOSER THIS YEAR BUT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET 'EM NEXT
TIME.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> I LOVE MERYL STREEP AND I
THINK SHE'S ALWAYS A WINNER.
SO THAT'S WHY I'M NOT GOING TO
SIGN THIS [ BLEEP ] CARD.
>> Guillermo: OH, OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
ARE YOU PRESENTING?
>> I'M PRESENTING.
I'M SO NERVOUS AND EXCITED.
>> Guillermo: I HAVE A JOKE FOR
YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> Guillermo: HERE.
>> WHY DIDN'T THE STAR OF
"JOKER" TAKE A LIMO?
BECAUSE HE PREFERRED JOAQUIN.
THAT'S GREAT.
>> WHY ARE THE LITTLE WOMEN SO
LITTLE?
>> Guillermo: WHY?
>> BECAUSE THEY WEAR SPANX.
>> WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE
ONE POPE AND ADD ANOTHER POPE?
>> Guillermo: WHAT DO YOU GET?
>> TWO POPES.
>> Guillermo: I DIDN'T SEE THAT
MOVIE "PARASITE" BECAUSE I HAVE
A MOTHER-IN-LAW.
>> WHAT'S THIS?
>> Guillermo: CAN YOU TRANSLATE?
>> OH.
SO SAD.
>> YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT RIGHT
NOW?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, READ IT.
>> "1917" IS NOT JUST A MOVIE.
IT'S ALSO THE NUMBER OF TIMES I
HAD TO PEE DURING "THE
IRISHMAN."
THEN YOU HOLD LIKE THAT AND THEN
YOU RELEASE.
>> Guillermo: HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M OKAY.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> Guillermo: ARE WE GETTING
BACK TOGETHER OR WHAT?
>> DID WE BREAK UP?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, WE DID.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
>> Guillermo: YEAH.
I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU.
OKAY?
LOOK.
READ IT.
>> SHOULD I TRY THIS?
GRPTD YEAH.
TRY IT.
>> HE'S A CLEVER FELLOW.
>> Guillermo: TRY IT.
>> I'LL TRY IT.
I'LL TRY TO IT TONIGHT.
>> Guillermo: I'LL READ IT.
WHAT DOES BRAD PITT SWEAT FROM?
HIS PIT.
I'M SO FUNNY.
>> Guillermo: ROBERT!
ROBERT DE NIRO RIGHT HERE!
ROBERT!
THE IRISHMAN DOESN'T WANT TO
TALK TO THE MEXICAN.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> Guillermo: I'M INTERVIEWING
YOU.
YOU WANT TO GO BANANA TONIGHT?
>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> Guillermo: HERE.
LET'S GO BANANA TONIGHT.
REAL QUICK.
>> HOW MANY OTHER LIPS HAVE
TOUCHED THIS?
>> Guillermo: YOU'RE THE FIRST
ONE.
I PROMISE.
>> YOU'RE A LIAR.
>> Guillermo: I SWEAR.
>> WHAT'S INSIDE?
I GUESS WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
>> Guillermo: TEQUILA.
>> IT'S SMOOTH.
>> Guillermo: YEAH.
>> OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT TEQUILA IN THAT BANANA?
>> YEAH.
>> I'M DOING IT.
>> Guillermo: I ALWAYS KEEP
TEQUILA IN MY BANANA.
>> HOW MANY PEOPLE PUT THEIR
MOUTHS ON THIS?
>> Guillermo: NO ONE.
SO FAR NOBODY.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST
ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK OUT OF MY
BANANA?
>> NO.
THAT SOUNDS FOUL.
>> Guillermo: NO?
>> NO.
>> Guillermo: HOLD ON.
I'M GETTING A PHONE CALL.
I THINK IT'S FOR YOU.
IN THIS TEQUILA.
>> HELLO.
WHAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
>> Guillermo: LIKE THAT.
>> AMAZING.
DID YOU MAKE THIS?
>> Guillermo: YEAH.
IT'S MEXICAN TECHNOLOGY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.
>> OH!
>> I CANNOT DRINK RIGHT NOW.
>> Guillermo: NO?
>> NO.
I'VE GOT TO WORK, MAN.
>> Guillermo: OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT REGULAR ONE?
YOU'RE MY KIND OF GIRL.
CHARLIZE, HOW ARE YOU?
>> WHERE'S MY SHOT?
>> Guillermo: IN THE BANANA.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Guillermo: TEQUILA'S CALLING
YOU.
>> OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HOW MANY OF THESE DO YOU HAVE?
LET ME PAT YOU DOWN.
>> OKAY.
THAT WAS GOOD.
I'M SO GLAD I MET YOU TONIGHT.
>> Guillermo: ONE MORE JOKE.
THIS IS IRISH.
WHAT DID THE IRISHMAN SAY TO THE
MEXICAN?
LET'S GET DRUNK.
I LIKE YOU, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE
SHOW?
>> I WON'T BE WITH YOU.
>> Guillermo: ALL RIGHT.
>> BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A KISS.
>> Guillermo: THANK YOU.
I JUST GOT TO FIRST BASE WITH
HARVEY KEITEL.
THAT'S IT FROM THE RED CARPET.
EVERYBODY LOVES DRINKING FROM MY
BANANA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S HOW WE GAVE
EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD THE FLU.
WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.