hey there everybody and welcome to this video on addictive relationships i'm your host dr
dawn elise snipes in this video we're going to explore how relationships can be addictive in
nature notice i use quotation marks because technically addictive relationships that's
not a diagnosis but it characterizes for a lot of people what we'll be talking about
we'll identify some of the causes of addictive relationships define characteristics of healthy
relationships and develop a strategy to begin addressing addictive relationships
so let's talk about what an addictive relationship looks like and we're going to apply the same
criteria that we apply for other addictions so psychological or physical uh withdrawal when you
cannot be with the person is a characteristic of addictive relationships and being together you get
sort of a high now we're going to talk about new relationship energy in a minute but it's important
to understand that just like social use to problematic or addictive use of substances is on
a continuum so are relationships so what we want to look at is how impaired is the person how much
devastation how much how many withdrawal symptoms are they experiencing or what's the intensity of
that withdrawal when they're not with the person are they all consumed by it and they are super
anxious and having to text the person every 15 minutes when they're not not together so that
would be the first characteristic is having that withdrawal when you're not together
the next characteristic spending excessive amounts of time or energy thinking about
engaging in or recovering from use and what we're talking about here is being with the person
if your thoughts are all consumed with that person with being with them with i wonder what
they're doing right now with all those things with spending time with them which is great
um but if it ends up negatively impacting other areas of your life you're not getting enough sleep
and maybe you're skipping work so when you go to work the next day you've got more to do so it
takes a lot more effort to recover from spending time with that person that's when you're starting
to see a problem number three making impulsive or risky life or financial decisions a lot of
times to avoid abandonment and with addictive relationships sometimes we will see people
doing whatever they feel the other person wants in order to keep them in their life so they are
it's not a healthy compromise it's not oh this would make you happy it's a i will give you all
of my savings i will go out and i will buy something that is way above my means because
i think it's something you want and maybe if i keep giving you things you won't leave me
so these impulsive or risky life and financial decisions also start to cause the person harm if
nothing else to their bank account but sometimes to their livelihood giving up significant people
and events in order to use in order to be with that person and in addictive relationships we
often see people starting to become more and more isolated they give up spending
time with their friends they give up spending time with their family it's all about being
with this person and if they can't be with that person they don't want to be with anybody else
and continuing to engage in this relationship despite one or more negative consequences as a
result of it so if you are in this relationship and it's causing you distress if you're in this
relationship and you're feeling um less confident about yourself you're constantly fighting and
um abandonment anxiety you are devoting less attention and time to your health to your work
to your family to your other friends then it might be considered an addictive relationship
other characteristics of addictive relationships you lose your sense of self because you're doing
whatever that person wants instead of being you with your interests you become so and so
significant other and you do whatever they want and kind of throw all of your thoughts wants
and needs to the wind you don't feel like you're able to leave in an addictive relationship because
those withdrawal feelings are so strong because it feels so overwhelming when you're not together
a lot of times people feel like they're not able to leave they feel like they will
disappear or not be able to handle a breakup addictive relationships are also often extreme
in their intensity so when you get together you are passionately in love passionately infatuated
whatever you want to call it things are going well but at the first sign of rejection or difficulty
um there may be rage at the other person not necessarily cutting bait but rage at not being
able to control that other person and fear of abandonment now addictive relationships it's not
just a submissive person or a dominant person both types of people can be addicted in their
relationships in the if the dominant person is the one who is feeling more addicted in the
relationship they are often addicted to being able to control someone they need to feel like they are
powerful like they are needed like they are in control like they're indispensable a person who
is more submissive in relationships may be in an addictive relationship in which someone else has
all the power they are deferring to that person and they rely they're dependent on that person to
help them deal with life
now i mentioned new relationship energy when we get into new relationships there is that
period and it can be a couple days to a few months for some people who are really blessed can be
several years where there's a feeling of elation and infatuation uh with the other person and you
do have that sort of high when you're together you have those butterflies in your tummy and you know
that's all wonderful however with new relationship energy remember i said it's a continuum
with nre people are able to still clearly see what needs to be done and fulfill their obligations
so yes they have these feelings of wanting to be with the other person they think about them a lot
but they're able to put that over here in order to focus on work they're able to
be apart from that person without feeling consumed with anxiety because they are
it's a more healthy relationship so there's nothing wrong with really being infatuated
with somebody with having this nre but when it starts to negatively impact other areas
of life then you really want to start looking at what function is this relationship serving
causes of addictive relationships are as numerous as the causes of addictions themselves some of the
more common ones self-medication of depression or anxiety when we get into relationships we can
feel that rush we can feel that excitement and if somebody is feeling depressed that can be a breath
of fresh air if somebody feels anxious especially about abandonment or being isolated then being in
a relationship can give them a sense of security for some people relations relationships become a
substitute addiction in addiction chemical addiction recovery one of the things we
recommend is people don't get into another serious relationship for at least a year or two
after they've gotten sober um and and the reason for that is because we don't want
them to substitute infatuation and um obsession and compulsion to be in a relationship with for
their addiction of choice we want them to be able to be clear-headed and focused on the recovery
process abandonment anxiety is another reason and a lot of people who experienced adverse childhood
experiences often have insecure attachments and a lot of abandonment anxiety so sometimes they
may get into relationships in order to quell that anxiety and help them feel somewhat safer
some people may be in addictive relationships because they have been raised in an environment
where they their parent was a helicopter parent it was in mesh parenting as we call it
so they may not have learned to make their own decisions they may not feel safe or comfortable
if they're not in a relationship so they'd rather be in any relationship than not in a relationship
some people get into addictive relationships because they've grown up with models
of addictive relationships if they're parents if they're siblings if they're
you know friends parents and siblings or in addictive relationships unhealthy relationships
then they may think that that's what a relationship is supposed to look like
and finally some people get into addictive relationships because they are and i'll use the
term loosely codependent they have low self-esteem they need other people to tell them that they're
okay they need other people to validate them if they don't have someone else telling them
you are needed you are indispensable then they feel very anxious they feel um very unnerved
and being in an addictive relationship being in a relationship helps them feel whole so to speak
healthy relationships are characterized by honesty and trust the ability to be apart from that person
for a period of time you may not love it but there is honesty and trust in
in the relationship so you can be a part and tolerate it without having extreme anxiety
there's open and respectful communication so people are talking about these are my feelings
thoughts wants and needs and i hear and validate your feelings thoughts wants and needs and let's
see how we can make them work together we don't always agree but that's okay and i
accept you as being different than me you've had different experiences so you may have different
perceptions and um thoughts about certain situations in a healthy relationship you miss
the person when you're not together but you don't experience high levels of anxiety or depression
you enjoy spending time together but you still get things done
you feel loved for who you are and not used for what you do and that is a really crucial
aspect of a healthy relationship you feel loved for who you are so you don't feel like you've got
to constantly buy somebody things in order to make them love you they love you because of who you are
your relationship does not alienate you from friends and family now sometimes our friends
and family may not be as healthy as we would like and this relationship is healthier so
you're not spending as much time with them but what we're talking about is alienating you from
healthy other healthy relationships if most other people in your life are saying oh that
doesn't seem like it's a healthy relationship and you tell them to go jump off a bridge then
that is an indication that you know maybe there is something else going on in this relationship
while there are ups and downs the relationship overall is fulfilling any relationship
you know i've been married for 23 years now and in any relationship there are ups and downs some days
are great and you know there are the occasional disagreements but overall the relationship is
fulfilling and validating and building up of each person instead of tearing down and
finally there is a healthy and consensual power division and i put this in here to be responsive
to those who choose to be in a relationship in which there is a power difference in in
the power dynamic some people are aware of that they and they actively and openly choose to be
in that kind of relationship and it doesn't cause them distress it doesn't negatively impact their
life their goals as they define it so healthy and consensual power divisions are important
most people think you know they want to be in a relationship that's 50 50 but not
everybody so we do need to respect differences between individuals as well as between cultures
like other addictions addictive relationships help the person escape distress
and continue to be used even when it causes harm addictive relationships often feel exhausting
and it's on that continuum you know you have the new relationship energy you um that in
a healthy relationship you have the healthy average relationship that has its ups and downs
you know it's not going to be perfect all the time however the addictive relationship
is causing more harm than good basically if you want to grossly oversimplify it so what do you do
recognize the harm the relationship is causing in all aspects of your life you know look at how
does it make you feel physically how does it make you feel emotionally you know has your anxiety and
depression actually increased while being in this relationship how does it impact your environment
do you feel supported do you feel safe in your environment do you feel like your
your housing is stable if you're living with somebody in addictive relationships
you may not feel like your housing is stable because you're afraid that they're going to to
leave or kick you out and how does it impact your relationships with yourself so how does it impact
your self-esteem as well as your relationships with healthy other people in your life
finally or next explore what this addictive relationship is protecting you from
is it protecting you from anxiety from depression from you know having to make life decisions
because you're afraid you can't make them or you don't know how feel you have the skills to
make them um is what is it protecting you from identify other ways to protect yourself other
than this relationship so if this relationship suddenly didn't exist who could you rely on or
what could you rely on to help you get through life to help you feel happy and loved and secure
finally seek support in developing and implementing your plan
you know once you identify okay maybe i need to make a change
it's important to get support support groups can be really helpful um love addicts anonymous
can be helpful for some finding a place where you can get support from other people to figure out
how to implement your plan and then support you through that influence implementation is going
to be essential because at the core of addictive relationships is this desire to have support and
connection with other people um for for whatever function it's serving so making sure that you do
have other people that can help you is essential to recovering from addictive relationships