Don't you just hate it when the news does this.
You know, "After that particularly in-depth and complex look
"at the Brexit negotiations, let's see what Twitter has to say.
"Well, Dave Biscuits from Chester, says he thinks Brexit is made out of gravy."
You know?
If ever the news goes to Twitter, it means some editor somewhere
couldn't be fucked to do his job that day - it's lazy journalism.
But it is easier for us to trawl through Twitter and find someone
that is saying something that fits our editorial narrative,
than it is to find and interview someone who might actually fucking know something.
"Oh, let's see what Twitter has to say."
Who gives a shit? But what is Twitter,
I hear you ask, if you're under 25, over 50,
or in a loving, meaningful relationship.
Well, Twitter is an online forum where you post messages up
to a maximum of 280 characters.
That's it, really.
It's a way for people to connect, express ideas and opinions, to share
and read news articles from across the globe,
no matter where they live. But more than anything, it's something to do
whilst taking a dump.
So...
Let's see... Is this up and running?
Yes. Perfect, OK, this is my Twitter account.
My last tweet, for example, was, erm...
LAUGHTER
All right, just get rid of that.
LAUGHTER Sorry.
Basically, you vomit your opinion into cyberspace.
And you see what happens.
Normally, someone throws some shit back at you.
Before long, it's just a monsoon of vomit and shit.
That's Twitter, in a nutshell, really. But, OK, for those of you who don't know, this
is what it looks like.
Oh, that's my, that's my wife.
And her new husband.
LAUGHTER
I would show you his account, but he's blocked me, so...
Oh, that's my son! Aww.
Oh, they've changed the kitchen, I see.
LAUGHTER
Sorry.
Anyway...
Sorry.
Yeah, where was I? Yes, Twitter.
Yes, yes, there is one reason and one reason alone,
OK, why you should all be on Twitter and it's this man.
Now, there we are...
Actually, actually, just before I get started, I have been taking a
few liberties with the language. For that, I apologise.
But can we kind of start again for Trump? Can we kind of reset the fuck button?
Cos, I'm going to need some heavy artillery.
You know what I mean? I'm about to go nuclear.
All right. So, hold on to your hats.
All right. OK.
Donald Trump, he's a *****, isn't he?
CHEERING
Donald Trump loves Twitter. He fucking loves Twitter.
He calls it an incredible tool, which, coincidentally...
LAUGHTER
You're ahead of me. You're ahead of me. Seriously, follow...
Follow him on Twitter, he's a fucking comedy genius.
This one was from about a week ago.
Pretty standard stuff.
That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know.
This is the sort of shit he's tweeting about. This is what
he's tweeting about at 4.28am.
Oprah fucking Winfrey. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
But this is my favourite bit.
"Hope Oprah runs, so she can be exposed and defeated,
"just like all of the others."
He sounds like Skeletor!
LAUGHTER
"..Oprah runs, and she can be exposed and defeated...just like all the others!"
Sometimes they can be less poetic and erudite and a little bit more straight to the point.
Let's take a look at this one.
"WITCH HUNT!"
Aaaah! Witch hunt!
Apropos of nothing, witch hunt!
This coming from a man who describes himself as "a very stable genius."
OK, I know that he describes himself as a very stable genius
because he's tweeted about it. Let's take a look.
"I went from VERY successful businessman
"to top TV star." Ooh, look at you.
"..to president of the United States on my first try."
"On my first try!"
"I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius.
"Dot dot dot...dot." Just the three, you fucking genius.
Just the three.
And a very stable genius at that.
"Nah-nah-nah-nah, I win, nah-nah!"
This man has access to the nuclear codes.
Sometimes they can be less...
..downright hilarious,
and, let's be honest, quite insidious,
to be honest. Let's take a look at this three-part tweet.
"After consultation with my generals and military experts..."
which it turned out the next day was a complete lie,
according to his generals and military experts,
"..please be advised that the United States government
"will not accept or allow dot dot dot dot dot.
"Dot."
Just the three, you fucking prick! Just the three.
Allow what? Allow what? What can it be?
We had to wait ten minutes to find out what the US Army
will no longer allow, took him 10 minutes to write the next 20 words.
That's two words a minute, and some of those words are "and" and "in".
Allow what? What can it be? What can it be?
"..Transgender individuals..." Ah, so close,
I thought he was going to say "the blacks",
"..to serve in any capacity in the US military."
That's over 10,000 people
being fired without warning by their commander in chief via Twitter.
"Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming dot dot
"dot dot dot..." Overwhelming... "..overwhelming victory."
I've got no idea what he's talking about there.
Overwhelming victory. I mean, the Afghanistan campaign
was a complete disaster because of all the fucking trannies? No idea.
"Cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs
"and disruption that transgender in the military would entail.
"Thank you."
"Thank you. Thanks for listening.
"Thank you.
"Thanks. See you, bye. Thank you."
The president of the United States has just made a massive
change to US military policy
without having it checked, verified, discussed, debated.
He has no idea whether it's legal, possible, constitutional.
The answer to that is obviously certainly no, it isn't.
By the way, the Pentagon has roundly ignored
Donald Trump's transgender ban, so fuck you, Donald.
Comes to something, doesn't it, when you're celebrating military generals
ignoring orders from their
democratically elected commander in chief.
What a world we live in.
But the main thing you learn from Donald Trump's Twitter account
is he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't give a fuck!
He takes no care over grammar or spelling and sometimes he doesn't
even understand the word he's trying to spell,
and sometimes he makes up new words altogether.
He has trouble with there, their and they're, as well as to, too and two,
which as we all know is key stage three.
And he can't spell tap!
He can't spell tap.
Now, you might say I'm being a pedant, being a snob.
He can't spell, it's fine, I can't spell,
but I'm not the president the United States
with a writing staff of dozens, which he thinks he doesn't need.
That's why every time Donald Trump tweets he is expressing his contempt
for the electorate.