Hey, you know what?
It's already March and I realized
that I barely talked about animal mating habits this year.
So I'm going to fix that right now.
A lot of people are writing in.
So I want to talk about penguins because I love penguins.
I think they're fascinating little things.
There's an aquarium in Japan.
It released a chart detailing the relationships
between their penguins.
And it's so scandalous, it makes The Bachelor look
like a nunnery.
It's crazy.
I always thought penguins were monogamous.
That's what I heard.
But I guess it's certain penguins are monogamous
and certain ones are not.
There's more to the waddle than you think.
Look, this is a chart.
I made the chart so you can see.
I'm not fluent in Japanese.
I think it says, "Spring Break 2020."
The different lines represent different relationships
between the penguins.
And, if you look at it upside down,
this is actually a layout of IKEA.
I'm going to break it down for you.
The red line represents couples or lovers.
The blue line is a relationship that has ended.
A yellow line is a friendship.
A purple line means they're more than friends but not lovers.
A green line is an enemy.
And then this line right here is how
Waze got me home last night.
It's crazy.
So I knew penguins had complicated lives.
But this is like some Leo DiCaprio stuff right here.
Apparently, there's a penguin named
Tera who is the most popular.
Tera is somewhere on here.
She has broken six penguins' hearts last year.
There she is.
That's Tera right there.
Yes.
She's like the Hannah B. of this situation right here.
Right now, she's seeing Ori but also loves Sammy and Shiu,
but Shiu is married.
I haven't even mentioned the father-son
that fell in love with the same woman-- or not woman, penguin.
It'd be a whole different situation
if there was a woman involved.
Suddenly all this and just a woman.
But if you think about it, oh, there
is a woman there actually.
But it doesn't seem like penguins inspired--
it's like they inspired The Bachelor or something
because this is crazy.
They're always dressed in tuxedos and so is The Bachelor.
Penguins give each other little gifts to show their love.
The Bachelor hands out roses.
Male penguins present beautiful pebbles to woo ladies.
Every woman on The Bachelor is fighting
for a rock on their finger.
Penguins build nests and mate privately.
The Bachelor builds fires and sloppily
makes out in front of millions of people
on national television.
Mm, I found the difference.
OK.