>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO A TIK TOK DANCE, BABY?
YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?
MMM, MMM.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
WWELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.
IT WAS A BIT OF A TOUGH ONE FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP.
HIS RALLY WAS A BUST.
BOLTON'S BOOK GOT THE GO-AHEAD, AND TO TOP IT OFF, HE GOT A CARD
YESTERDAY REMINDING HIM HE'S ERIC'S FATHER.
SATURDAY NIGHT'S RALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TRUMP'S BIG
MOMENT.
HE'S BEEN JONESING FOR THE FROTHED-UP CROWD FOR THREE
MONTHS.
HIS CAMPAIGN WAS ADVERTISING IT AS "THE GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACK
FESTIVAL."
THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS INDOOR RALLY OF THOUSANDS OF SCREAMING FANS WAS A CHANCE
FOR A COMEBACK FOR TRUMP AND COVID-19.
ONE OF THEM'S GONNA HAVE A REALLY GOOD FALL.
LEADING UP TO THE RALLY, TRUMP PREDICTED GREATNESS:
>> OVER A MILLION PEOPLE REQUESTED TICKETS.
WELL, THERE'S JUST A HUNGER FOR THE RALLIES, AND I ENJOY DOING
THEM, BUT THEY ENJOY THEM, MORE IMPORTANTLY THAN ME, THEY ENJOY
THEM, IT GIVES ENERGY TO EVERYBODY.
WE EXPECT TO HAVE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A RECORD-SETTING
CROWD.
WE'VE NEVER HAD AN EMPTY SEAT.
AND WE CERTAINLY WON'T IN OKLAHOMA.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S RIGHT, THERE WASN'T AN EMPTY SEAT.
THERE WERE THOUSANDS OF THEM.
WOW!
THAT'S A LOT OF EMPTY SPACE AND AIMLESS MINGLING.
THAT'S LIKE A BEYONCE CONCERT OF JUST THE DADS WHO WERE DROPPING
THEIR DAUGHTERS OFF.
THE EMPTIEST OF THE EMPTY SEATS WERE ON THE STADIUM'S UPPER
DECK.
SO BEFORE ANYONE SAYS THAT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN CRAPPED THE BED,
THEY CLEARLY PULLED AN UPPER DECKER.
TRUMP'S TEAM WAS SO OVERCONFIDENT ABOUT ATTENDANCE,
THEY BUILT AN "OVERFLOW" STAGE OUTSIDE FOR A PRE-RALLY SPEECH
BY TRUMP AND PENCE, FOR THEIR ESTIMATED CROWD OF 40,000.
INSTEAD, THE CROWD WAS 25 PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT A PRESIDENTIAL RALLY, THAT'S THE PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AT
THE OLIVE GARDEN.
25 PEOPLE?
DOESN'T SAY GREAT THINGS WHEN THERE ARE FEWER PEOPLE IN YOUR
CROWD THAN HAVE CREDIBLY ACCUSED YOU OF SEXUAL ASSAULT.
IN FACT, THERE WERE SO FEW PEOPLE AT THE OVERFLOW STAGE
THAT THE CAMPAIGN DECIDED TO DISMANTLE IT WHILE THE EVENT
INSIDE WAS JUST STARTING.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE IN "A FIELD OF DREAMS."
>> IF YOU BUILD IT, PEOPLE STILL WON'T LIKE YOU.
>> STEPHEN: TO PUT THIS DISASTER IN PERSPECTIVE, THE ARENA TRUMP
SPOKE IN CAN HOLD MORE THAN 19,000 PEOPLE, BUT ONLY 6,200
PEOPLE ATTENDED.
THAT IS ONE THIRD CAPACITY!
I DON'T WANT TO BE A GLASS-HALF-EMPTY GUY, BUT HALF
EMPTY WOULD BE A HUGE IMPROVEMENT.
ACCORDING TO THOSE IN THE KNOW, BEFORE THE RALLY STARTED, TRUMP
AND SEVERAL STAFF MEMBERS STOOD BACKSTAGE AND GAZED AT THE EMPTY
BANK OF OKLAHOMA CENTER IN HORROR.
SO THE CAMPAIGN SENT OUT A LAST-DITCH-EFFORT TEXT READING,
"DOORS ARE OPEN AT THE B.O.K.
CENTER.
PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN'T WAIT.
THERE'S STILL SPACE!" COME ON, GUYS.
HAVE A LITTLE CHILL.
THAT'S LIKE GROUP-TEXTING YOUR COWORKERS: "DOORS ARE OPEN AT MY
BIRTHDAY PARTY IN MY BACK YARD!
BOWL OF BABY CARROTS CAN'T WAIT!
THERE'S STILL RANCH!" SO WHY ON EARTH DID THEY THINK A
MILLION PEOPLE WANTED TICKETS?
THE ANSWER IS, AS USUAL, INTERNET PRANKSTERS.
BECAUSE "TIKTOK USERS TOOK PARTIAL CREDIT FOR INFLATING
ATTENDANCE EXPECTATIONS, SAYING, THEY COMPLETED THE FREE ONLINE
REGISTRATION FOR THE RALLY WITH NO INTENTION OF GOING."
IT WAS ALSO THE K POPPERS, FANS OF KOREAN POP GROUPS CLAIM TO
HAVE REGISTERED HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TICKETS FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN RALLY AS A PRANK.
I JUST WANT TO SAY TO K POP FANS, I WANT TO THANK YOU FROM
THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART -- WHICH I'M TOLD THIS IS IN THE K POP
WORLD, AND I HOPE THAT'S NOT ANOTHER PRANK.
NEWS REPORTS SAID TRUMP WAS ANGRY AT HIS CAMPAIGN STAFF OVER
THE RALLY BUT WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
KALEIGH MCKENANY DENIED THAT HE WAS UPSET!
>> THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT ANGRY AT ALL.
THE PRESIDENT WAS QUITE ENERGIZED.
HE WAS IN A GREAT MOOD, IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT AND THERE WAS A LOT
TO CELEBRATE.
>> STEPHEN: OH, A LOT TO CELEBRATE.
LET'S SEE HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO THE WHITE HOUSE AFTER TULSA
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON! ♪
♪ IT'S A CELEBRATION ♪ >> EVEN AFTER THE RALLY WAS
OVER, THE BAD NEWS KEPT COMING FOR THE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE IT
WAS REVEALED TODAY THAT TWO OF HIS STAFF MEMBERS WHO ATTENDED
THE TRUMP RALLY ON SATURDAY HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE
CORONAVIRUS.
WOW, IMAGINE HOW DANGEROUS THAT WOULD'VE BEEN IF PEOPLE HAD
SHOWN UP!
AND EVEN BEFORE THE RALLY, SIX MEMBERS OF THE ADVANCE TEAM
TESTED POSITIVE AND THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE CONNECTED TO THE EVENT
WHO TEST POSITIVE IS EXPECTED TO RISE.
YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS GOING TO SPIN THAT AS A POSITIVE.
(AS TRUMP) "WHILE THE MILLION PEOPLE WHO
REGISTERED FOR THE EVENT COULD HAVE GOTTEN COVID-19, I BRAVELY
EXPOSED ONLY 6,000 PEOPLE.
I SAVED LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES WITH MY
RECORD UNPOPULARITY AND GENERAL AIR OF TURD IN A PUNCH BOWL.
NOT ONLY WAS TRUMP'S CROWD SIZE HISTORICALLY DISAPPOINTING, SO
WAS THE CONTENT OF HIS SPEECH.
TRUMP STARTED OFF BY REMINDING EVERYONE WHAT'S AT STAKE IN
2020, OR AS HE SAID: >> THE CHOICE IN 220 IS VERY
SIMPLE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, THE CHOICE IN 220 IS VERY
SIMPLE.
WILL YOU BOW TO THE LEFT WING VISIGOTHS, OR, LIKE A TRUE
PATRIOT, VOTE FOR EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS AUGUSTUS?
MAKE THE EMPIRE GREAT AGAIN."
IS THAT GOOD?
RIGHT NOW, CORONAVIRUS CASES ARE SURGING IN 23 STATES, AND THAT
DOESN'T MAKE TRUMP'S HANDLING OF THE VIRUS LOOK COMPETENT, BUT
THE PRESIDENT SAYS, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
>> AND WITH TESTING, YOU KNOW, TESTING IS A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD.
HERE'S THE BAD PART.
WHEN YOU DO TESTING TO THAT EXTENT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIND
MORE PEOPLE, YOU'RE GOING TO FIND MORE CASES.
SO I SAID TO MY PEOPLE, SLOW THE TESTING DOWN, PLEASE.
>> STEPHEN: COVID HAS KILLED OVER 120,000 AMERICANS, AND HE
WANTS TO SLOW DOWN TESTING, BUT AT LEAST SAID PLEASE.
(AS TRUMP) "MOTHER MAY I...KILL ALL THE OLD
EVERYONE?
TO TRY TO DEFLECT BLAME FROM HIMSELF, TRUMP TRIED OUT SOME
NEW NAMES FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> STEPHEN: COVID-19.
THAT NAME GETS FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY FROM CHINA, AS
OPPOSED TO CALLING IT THE CHINESE VIRUS.
"OH, IT'S COVID."
IT'S THIS AGAIN.
BY THE WAY, IT'S A DISEASE WITHOUT QUESTION, HAS MORE NAMES
THAN ANY DISEASE IN HISTORY.
I CAN NAME KUNG FLU.
>> Stephen: THAT NAME IS INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE.
AND THAT'S NOT ME TALKING, THAT'S WHITE HOUSE SENIOR
ADVISER KELLYANNE CONWAY, WHO SAID THIS IN MARCH WHEN SHE
FOUND OUT SOMEONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE USED THAT PHRASE.
>> OF COURSE ITS WRONG.
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL AND UNHELPFUL, SO YOU SHOULD TELL US
ALL WHO IT IS.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO IT IS.
>> STEPHEN: CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR, KELLYANNE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IGNORANCE IS YOUR BOSS.
BUT NOW THAT SHE KNOWS WHO IT IS, KELLYANNE IS GOING TO MARCH
INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND GIVE THAT GUY A PIECE OF HER SOUL.
TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT THE OTHER PRESSING NATIONAL ISSUE ON
EVERYONE'S MIND: THAT TIME HE COULDN'T WALK DOWN A RAMP LAST
WEEK.
HE HAD SOME EXCUSES.
>> SO WE WALKED LIKE THE EQUIVALENT OF ABOUT THREE
BLOCKS, WHICH IS FINE.
WE GO ONSTAGE, WHICH IS FINE.
THE SUN IS POURING DOWN ON ME, OKAY.
THE STAGE WAS HIGHER THAN THIS ONE AND THE RAMP WAS PROBABLY 10
YARDS LONG.
BECAUSE I'M WEARING LEATHER BOTTOM SHOES, WHICH IS GOOD IF
YOU'RE WALKING ON FLAT SURFACES.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR RAMPS.
THIS WAS A STEEL RAMP.
IT HAD NO HANDRAIL, IT WAS LIK AN ICE SKATING RINK.
REALLY STEEP, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IT'S AN ICE SKATING RINK,
IT'S BRUTAL.
>> STEPHEN: IF THAT FELT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG, IT'S
BECAUSE IT WAS.
TRUMP TALKED ABOUT RAMPGATE FOR A WHOPPING TEN MINUTES AND 23
SECONDS.
WHICH IS ALMOST AS LONG AS IT TOOK HIM TO GET DOWN THAT RAMP.
♪ ♪
>> RAMP SLAM!
>> Stephen: BUT ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES
ABOUT WHY HE COULDN'T WALK DOWN A RAMP.
AT WEST POINT, TRUMP ALSO HAD TROUBLE DRINKING A GLASS OF
WATER, AND HE HAD AN EXCUSE FOR THAT TOO.
>> AND I DON'T WANT TO GET WATER ON THE TIE, AND I DON'T WANT TO
DRINK MUCH, SO I LIFT IT UP, THE WATER.
I SEE WE HAVE A LITTLE GLASS OF WATER.
WHERE THE HELL DID THIS WATER COME FROM?
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
I LOOK DOWN AT MY TIE BECAUSE I'VE DONE IT.
I'VE TAKEN WATER AND IT SPILLS DOWN ONTO YOUR TIE, DOESN'T LOOK
GOOD FOR A LONG TIME AND FRANKLY, THE TIE IS NEVER THE
SAME.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT IS REASSURING.
THE PRESIDENT HAS NO TROUBLE DRINKING WATER ONE-HANDED, HE
JUST CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT DRIBBLING ALL OVER HIMSELF.
THEN CAME THE BIG MOMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S HOW LOW THE
BAR IS FOR TRUMP.
HE GETS APPLAUSE FOR SIPPING WATER.
THE REMINDS ME OF EISENHOWER'S REELECTION SLOGAN:
"I LIKE IKE BECAUSE HE CAN USE THE BIG BOY POTTY."
AND TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT TRUMP DOES AFTER SUCCESSFULLY DOWNING
SOME WATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO HE PROVED HE CAN DRINK A
GLASS OF WATER, HE JUST CAN'T PUT IT DOWN.
HE SHOULD BE CAREFUL.
OR HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO TELL A 10 MINUTE STORY ABOUT HOW HE
CAN'T WALK OFF THAT STAGE.
(AS TRUMP) "SOME IDIOT THREW BROKEN GLASS
AND WATER ALL OVER THE STAIRS.
I THINK IT WAS ANTIFA."
TRUMP'S BAD WEEKEND STARTED WHEN A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED THAT MY
GUEST TOMORROW NIGHT, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER
JOHN BOLTON, COULD PUBLISH HIS NEW BOOK.
BUT IT WASN'T A TOTAL VICTORY BECAUSE, THANKS TO THE RULING,
"BOLTON MAY BE IN JEOPARDY OF FORFEITING HIS TWO MILLION
DOLLAR ADVANCE."
OH, JEOPARDY!
THEN THIS JOKE WILL BE IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION: "WHO CARES?"
LAST NIGHT, TO WARM UP FOR MY INTERVIEW, BOLTON SAT DOWN WITH
ABC'S MARTHA RADDATZ.
AND RADDATZ ASKED BOLTON ABOUT TRUMP'S PLACE IN HISTORY.
>> HOW DO YOU THINK HISTORY WILL REMEMBER DONALD TRUMP?
>> I HOPE IT WILL REMEMBER HIM AS A ONE-TERM PRESIDENT WHO
DIDN'T PLUNGE THE COUNTRY IRRETRIEVABLY INTO A DOWNWARD
SPIRAL WE CAN'T RECALL FROM.
WE CAN GET OVER ONE TERM.
TWO TERMS, I'M MORE TROUBLED ABOUT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
BUT MOST OF US ARE PRETTY TROUBLED BY THE FIRST TERM.
IF I WENT TO A RESTAURANT WHERE THE WAITER SPIT IN MY CHOWDER,
AND SLASHED MY TIRES, MY FIRST THOUGHT WOULDN'T BE "I SURE HOPE
MY NEXT VISIT HERE ISN'T TROUBLING."
RADDATZ ALSO ASKED BOLTON ABOUT HIS CLAIM THAT HE HAD PERSONALLY
WITNESSED TRUMP TYING U.S. AID TO A UKRAINE INVESTIGATION INTO
JOE BIDEN.
>> WHAT EXACTLY DID THE PRESIDENT SAY TO YOU?
>> WELL, HE DIRECTLY LINKED THE PROVISION OF THAT ASSISTANCE
WITH THE INVESTIGATION.
>> THE PRESIDENT DENIED IT, TWEETING, "I NEVER TOLD JOHN
BOLTON THAT THE AID TO UKRAINE WAS TIED TO INVESTIGATIONS INTO
DEMOCRATS, INCLUDING THE BIDENS."
IS THE PRESIDENT LYING?
>> YES HE IS.
AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME, EITHER.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
THE PRESIDENT LIES.
ALL THIS AND MORE IN BOLTON'S EXPLOSIVE NEW BOOK:
"THE ROOM WHERE, NO ( BLEEP ), THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED."
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JAMES CORDEN IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, A VISIT WITH THE FIRST LADY, MELANIA
TRUMP!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪