- Would you rather get blackmailed
by your evil twin into posing as her
so she can go off and have sex with a bunch of dudes?
Get into two car accidents that both end up in explosions?
Or have your mentally ill son fall off a cliff
and break his head?
Well, folks, don't decide yet
because in the Mexican telenovela, La Usurpadora,
you can witness all of that and more
and why is that?
Well, because telenovelas
are hell.
(dramatic telenovela music)
(explosion)
Paulina's life sucks shit.
She's a poor, honest woman who works at a country club
picking up towels with ball sweat on them.
She's dating this dude, who's cheating on her,
and looks like Johnny Depp, if he'd eaten too many bagels.
And her mother looks like a cadaver
and is dying the most painful death
in the history of deaths.
You'd think her life is bad enough,
but in telenovelas, things can always get worse.
One day, while she's cleaning pubic hairs
from the bathroom stalls,
she sees a glamorous lady stumble in, drunk as hell,
so she looks at her and she's like,
dude, you look just like me!
And the other lady is like, shit!
I do, except I'm rich and hot and you're ugly!
Look at those absolutely terrible visual effects.
Immediately, the evil sister,
who is a total garbage person,
is like listen, since we look alike,
I'm gonna blackmail you into moving into my house
and pretending you're me,
because I'm sick of my boring husband
and I wanna travel and have sex with new penises.
The good sister is a huge idiot
so of course, she agrees to it.
She moves into the evil sister's house,
where she has to pretend to be the mother
of two annoying children
and the wife to this guy,
who is like The Hulk but orange
and tries to constantly make out with her,
except she kinda likes it.
In her new home, she meets the rest of the family,
including Abuela Piedad, who is a raging alcoholic
that holds Scotch bottles like they're babies
and looks like a glamorous Ronald McDonald.
Is this all dramatic enough for you?
Well, wait, it gets worse.
She soon finds out that her evil sister
had been having an affair with this painter
who had way too many spray tans.
When she tries to cut ties with him,
he tells her that he's been working
on a nude portrait of her,
where she has titties but no nipples
and if she doesn't keep having sex with him,
he'll show everyone the painting.
Now, let's check in on the evil sister, Paola,
who's living la vida loca, drinking pina coladas,
and surrounded by men with huge banana penises.
You won't believe this, but one night,
while she's out with this rich guy
who looks like a leather boot,
she asks him if she can drive his car,
to which he replies, you're wasted, but sure
and of course, she immediately crashes the car.
Back to the good sister.
Everyone in the family starts to like her
because she's actually a good person.
She cures Abuela's alcoholism in like one day.
She rescues her husband's business
by offering his angry and underpaid workers free sandwiches.
She starts giving attention to her son,
who's really bad at acting.
And she ends her affair with the painter
by having her husband punch him in the dick.
Things seem to be going good for her,
but because telenovelas are hell
and no one can ever be happy,
she begins feeling guilt for being an imposter
and runs away from the house.
When she leaves, her annoying son flips out
and runs away until he falls off a cliff,
hits his head, and breaks his brain.
He gets rescued by some ladies,
who nurse him back to health
by putting a bandaid on his concussion.
When they return him to the house,
he immediately falls off the stairs,
because he just loves falling off of things.
The evil sister then comes back to the house
pretending to be paralyzed so everyone
will give her attention
and she makes weird ass noises like this.
The good sister hears that her twin was paralyzed
so she comes back to be by her side
because well, she's a shmuck.
At this point, everyone's like,
holy shit, there's two of you.
As if there wasn't enough blackmail in this telenovela,
the evil sister gets blackmailed by a nurse,
who says if you don't give me cash,
I'll tell everyone that you're not really paralyzed.
So the evil sister does what she does best
and drives off a cliff.
The car spins a thousand times
and then explodes, but somehow,
she doesn't have a single burn,
not even one little scratch.
She quickly and suddenly starts dying
a really, really dramatic death
and then peacefully dies
after telling her sister she loves her.
The nice sister is extremely saddened
by the death of her twin,
but not sad enough to prevent her
from marrying her husband the very next day.
During the wedding, everyone is happy
and this old guy gets too excited
and almost falls over and breaks his hip.
We hope they lived happily ever after,
but they probably didn't
because this is a telenovela
and telenovelas....
(dramatic tone)
are hell.
(explosion)