Welcome, everybody.
How are you?
Good?
[CHEERING]
How are you?
You're good?
Good.
I'm good, too.
Thank you for asking.
[LAUGHTER]
I have a story to tell you.
It's not a long one or that big of a deal.
But the other day, my friend--
I won't mention her name.
I will.
Lauren Pomerantz-- my friend Lauren Pomerantz handed me
a type of-- she had something in a cup and--
some beverage or something.
And she said, I want you to try this.
It's really, really good.
Trust me.
Now, that's never a good sign.
Trust me.
Trust me, is what someone says about 20 minutes
before the cops show up.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what you hear.
And so anyway, so Lauren Pomerantz said, try this.
And so I took a sip.
And Lauren screamed, do you like it?
Because it has kale and beets in it.
She's one of those people who gets way
too excited about everything.
Last year, she blew out my candles on my birthday cake
from across the table.
She was just at a restaurant at another table,
ran when she saw the cake, blew out my-- that's how we met.
[LAUGHTER]
Honestly, I don't know why we're friends.
Well, there's some good qualities.
But she was forcing this vegetable juice on me
and acting like it was a big deal.
I drink vegetable juice every single day.
Do you like vegetable juice?
Do you like it?
[APPLAUSE]
It's good for you.
And I drink one every single day.
Every afternoon, I have a vegetable juice that looks--
basically like it came out of a pond, like someone scooped it--
the very bottom of a pond, really.
And it tastes like it came out of a pond-- like the bottom.
[LAUGHTER]
No, it's delicious.
Trust me.
[LAUGHTER]
It is.
And I think it is good for you to have that.
And I realize that a lot of people
want to be healthy right now.
The problem is, is that people like things
that are bad for them.
Wouldn't you agree?
I think that people really enjoy--
[APPLAUSE]
Look how much the ladies love Bret Michaels.
[LAUGHTER]
There you go.
And people assume just because something is good for you
that it doesn't taste good.
Anything that's bad is delicious.
But I happen to like fruits and vegetables.
I think that those are delicious foods.
I don't eat meat, myself, so I eat a lot of tofu,
and tofu does not taste bad.
It also does not taste good.
It really has--
[LAUGHTER]
--no taste whatsoever.
Actually, I don't even know if I'm eating tofu.
I'm chewing.
I know I'm chewing.
I think that's tofu in my mouth.
But that's what's great about tofu
because tofu can be-- it's flavorless.
You can make tofu into Tofurky.
You can make tofu into ice cream.
This outfit I'm wearing is made from tofu.
[LAUGHTER]
It's very versatile.
Tofu is the Meryl Streep of food,
really, when you think about it.
It really can be anything.
Eating healthy can be really hard, though,
because you have a good week.
You're really good all week long.
And then Friday, Betsy from accounting
comes in with a plate of brownies, and they're homemade,
so before you know it, you're hiding in the bathroom licking
the plate.
And I say, don't beat yourself up about that.
Beat up Betsy.
[LAUGHTER]
It's hard to stay healthy, isn't it?
It is.
It really is.
I'll tell you what.
If you think it's hard trying to stay healthy, it's because--
I'll tell you why.
So many things are bad for you, and there's more of it
because they're making things bigger and bigger and bigger.
Do you agree with me?
The sizes.
Yeah.
Huge.
[APPLAUSE]
I was at 711.
I went to pick up a couple of friends, Bartles & Jaymes.
[LAUGHTER]
I could not believe what I saw.
Here are the old cups.
This is small.
That's small.
You know those things at a water cooler?
You'd pull that little tiny cone-shaped thing
that you'd maybe get a drop from?
You had to quench your thirst with something that was
the size of an ice cream cone.
There.
Medium.
Large.
This is a drink.
[LAUGHTER]
And this is not vegetable juice, I guarantee you.
[LAUGHTER]
This is the newest thing.
I am not making this up.
This is the newest thing.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's the straw.
[LAUGHTER]
This is how you fill it.
You just put the nozzle right in there.
It has a strap.
That way, you have both hands free
so you can hook up your catheter because you're
going to need that.
[LAUGHTER]
How did they come up with this?
I can't get my kid to drink enough soda.
[LAUGHTER]
What can we make to make him drink more?
Well, my kid likes to sit inside and play Guitar Hero.
Jacobson, you've done it.
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, Jacobson.
But if they're holding the guitar,
their hands won't be free so they can eat a ton of food.
We could put a strap on it.
Jacobson, you're a genius.
Take the rest of the day off.
[APPLAUSE]
Seriously, this is wrong.
And the containers are just-- they're
going to get bigger and bigger.
If someone's doing this, why would they stop there?
Someday you'll see me sipping from my chair,
just leaning over.
There'll be a straw.
Did you remember to fill the La-Z-Boy up?
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Now when I think about it, we actually
should make an accordion.
That way, you don't have to suck.
You just squeeze the Diet Dr. pepper right into your mouth.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC]