♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO A
"LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED, JUST DRIVING ON MY V-8 FORD.
>> Stephen: I NEED JON.
I AM WORN OUT FROM LAST NIGHT'S LIVE SHOW.
IT'S SO EXCITING, WHAT A GREAT DAY, BUT I'M DONE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ENERGY YOU CAN IMPART THROUGH YOUR FINGERTIPS
THROUGH THE DRIVERIES AND INJECT INTO MY SOUL?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, I'M ALWAYS PUSHING THE ENERGY.
I'M PUSHING THE LOVE.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: I AM BORN ANEW.
THANK YOU, JON.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SIR.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RAISING AND SHARING THE
MOST TOPICAL SHEEP, GATHERING THEIR WOOL, HAND-WEAVING IT ON
MY SOLID OAK STORY LOOM, THEN DYEING IT WITH THE PUREST
WORD-PIGMENT MONEY CAN BUY TO BRING YOU THE FINE, ARAN ISLE
SWEATER THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO TRAP A GARBAGE RACCOON,
SEDATE IT WITH SOME EXPIRED CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE, SHAVE
ITS TAIL WITH A BOX CUTTER, THEN USE SOME LEFTOVER
CHOP STICKS TO KNIT IT ALL INTO THE TRAILER PARK CROP TOP OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A COUPLE IN CANADA IS FACING LEGAL TROUBLE
FOR BREAKING QUEBEC'S NEW COVID RULES, WHERE WALKING YOUR DOG IS
ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS ALLOWED AFTER 8:00 P.M.
BUT POLICE CAUGHT A WOMAN "WALKING HER HUSBAND ON A LEASH
AFTER CURFEW."
POLICE WERE GOING TO PUNISH THE HUSBAND, BUT TURNS OUT, HE WAS
INTO IT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW THAT NOTORIOUS
COCAINE LORD PABLO ESCOBAR FAMOUSLY AND ILLEGALLY IMPORTED
A BUNCH OF HIPPOS TO COLOMBIA.
WELL, NOW, SCIENTISTS WARN: COLOMBIA'S COCAINE HIPPOS MUST
BE STOPPED.
FLORIDA, YOU'RE UP!
RELEASE THE METH GATORS!
FOR SCIENCE!
"COCAINE HIPPOS" ARE LIKE REGULAR HIPPOS, BUT THEY CORNER
YOU AT PARTIES AND INSIST THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD START A BAND.
THE PROBLEM IS, THE HIPPOS HAVE NO PREDATORS AND NOW POSE A
THREAT TO LOCAL WILDLIFE.
AND YOU CAN SEE JUST HOW DANGEROUS THEY ARE IN THIS
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE COCAINE HIPPOS IN ACTION:
>> COKE!
>> WOWEE, I LOVE COKE!
WHO WANTS TO READ MY SCREENPLAY?
>> I BET IT'S SO GOOD!
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN SNAKE NEWS, SCIENTISTS
DISCOVERED SNAKES CAN TURN THEIR BODY INTO LASSOS TO CLIMB BY
WORKING THEIR BODIES AGAINST THEMSELVES, AS YOU CAN SEE IN
THIS INFRARED FOOTAGE.
CONGRATULATIONS SPIDERS WHO LAY EGGS IN
MY EARS WHILE I SLEEP, YOU ARE NO LONGER MY NUMBER ONE
RECURRING NIGHTMARE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE ANNOUNCED THE DISCOVERY OF
A NEW BAT SPECIES IN AFRICA THAT HAS A STRIKING MIX OF FIERY
ORANGE AND BLACK COLORS.
BUT ALMOST MISSED IT, ORIGINALLY BELIEVING IT TO BE JUST A
WEIRDLY COLORED ONE.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, "MAYBE IT'S JUST WEIRD" IS NOT THE MOST
SCIENTIFIC REACTION.
REMINDS ME OF FOSSIL-HUNTER WILLIAM BUCKLAND, WHO DISCOVERED
THE FIRST DINOSAUR BONES: >> I MAY HAVE DISCOVERED A
PREVIOUSLY UNCATALOGUED FORM OF PREHISTORIC LIFE... OR MAYBE
THEY'RE JUST SOME BIG FREAKY CHICKEN BONES, I DUNNO!"
ALSO, HOW'S ABOUT WE GET DONE WITH THE CURRENT PANDEMIC BEFORE
WE GO POKING AROUND IN THE CAVES FOR UNDISCOVERED BATS?
YOU DIDN'T SEE PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE AGES GOING "HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT'LL TAKE OUR MINDS OFF THIS PLAGUE?
A RAT SAFARI."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN A SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT, PEPSI AND COCA-COLA
WILL NOT RUN ADS DURING THE SUPER BOWL.
SO, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WATCH?
QUARANTINE WHILE, A NEW FOSSIL FROM
CHINA OF A PSITTA-COSAURUS IS SO WELL PRESERVED THAT THE OPENING
THAT THE LABRADOR-SIZED DINOSAUR USED TO PEE, POOP, AND REPRODUCE
IS VISIBLE."
OR AS THE ONLINE PUBLICATION "LIVE SCIENCE" PUT IT: "THE
FIRST PRESERVED DINOSAUR BUTTHOLE IS 'PERFECT' AND
'UNIQUE.'" UNEXPECTED PHRASING, BUT A HUGE
LEAP FORWARD IN DINOSAUR BUTTHOLE POSITIVITY.
THE OPENING IN QUESTION IS THE CLOACA, COMMON IN REPTILES AND
BIRDS.
EXPERTS SAY "MOST CLOACAS FORM A KIND OF SLIT.
SOMETIMES IT'S A VERTICAL SPLIT, SOMETIMES IT'S A SMILEY FACE,
SOMETIMES IT'S A SOUR FACE.
BUT THIS THING HAS A V-SHAPED STRUCTURE WITH A PAIR OF NICE
FLARING LIPS."
AND I'M UPSET TO HAVE READ THAT OUT LOUD.
AND I AM BEING INFORMED THAT GWYNETH PALTROW HAS ALREADY
RELEASED "THIS CANDLE SMELLS LIKE A PSITTA-COSAURUS' CLOACA."
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST GAME THAT
HOLLYWOOD IS BUZZING ABOUT.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪