PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, AS YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THERE, WE ARE LIVE.
TONIGHT WAS THE LAST-- LAST DEBATE BEFORE DEMOCRATIC VOTING
STARTS IN FEBRUARY.
SO, AFTER TWO YEARS OF CAMPAIGNING, SEVEN DEBATES, 28
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES, AND ONE TRULY EXHAUSTED HUSK OF A LATE
NIGHT HOST, WE MADE IT TO ALMOST STARTING THE ELECTION.
REMIND ME TO PICK UP SOME BONIVA.
THANK YOU.
NOW, H THE CAUCUSES RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, TONIGHT'S DEBATE
TOOK PLACE IN DES MOINES, IOWA.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DES MOINES, PLEASE, SAY
SOMETHING ABOUT DES MOINES.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY.
IT'S A REALLY LOVELY PLACE.
REALLY LOVELY.
THERE WAS CONTROVERSY BECAUSE TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN
THIS ELECTION CYCLE THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAD AN ALL-WHITE
DEBATE STAGE.
ONCE AGAIN, J-LO WAS ROBBED.
( LAUGHTER )
LATELY FOR HIS 2002 VOTE TO AUTHORIZE THE IRAQ WAR.
SO TONIGHT, HE CAME OUT AND ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG.
>> I SAID 13 YEARS AGO IT WAS A MISTAKE TO GIVE THE PRESIDENT
THE AUTHORITY TO GO TO WAR.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU GOTTA TA GIVE HIM CREDIT.
HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND DIDN'T HIDE
BEHIND BARACK-- >> BARACK OBAMA, PICKED ME TO BE
HIS VICE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: AND THREE MINUTES AND EIGHTEEN SECONDS!
NOT BAD.
THEN MAYOR PETE WEIGHED IN ON THE IRAQ WAR.
>> THERE ARE ENLISTED PEOPLE THAT I SERVED WITH, BARELY OLD
ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THOSE VOTES ON THE AUTHORIZATION AFTER 9/11,
ON THE WAR IN IRAQ.
AND THERE ARE PEOPLE NOW OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST WHO WERE NOT
ALIVE FOR SOME OF THOSE DEBATES.
>> Stephen: (AS PETE) "AND THERE ARE PEOPLE ON THIS
STAGE OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE ME TO AN R-RATED MOVIE.
COME ON, I WANNA SEE 'UNCUT GEMS!'"
I HEAR SANDLER KILLS IT!
AMY KLOBUCHAR'S FIRST QUESTION WAS ABOUT HER PREVIOUS ATTACKS
ON MAYOR PETE'S LACK OF EXPERIENCE:
>> I'VE BEEN VERY CLEAR THAT I RESPECT THE MAYOR'S EXPERIENCE
VERY MUCH IN THE MILITARY.
I JUST HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.
>> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "SPECIFICALLY, I HAVE THE
EXPERIENCE OF LOSING IN THE POLLS TO THE FORMER MAYOR OF
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA.
HE'LL NEVER KNOW THAT KIND OF HUMILIATION."
AS THE WAR DEBATE WENT ON, BERNIE PROVIDED SOME HISTORICAL
CONTEXT.
>> THE TWO GREAT FOREIGN POLICY DISASTERS OF OUR LIFETIMES, WITH
THE WAR IN VIETNAM AND THE WAR IN IRAQ.
BOTH OF THOSE WARS WERE BASED ON LIES.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "WE NEED TO STOP HEADING INTO
WARS WE CANNOT WIN IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
IT'S WHAT I TOLD CONGRESS IN 2002.
IT'S WHAT I TOLD MY FRIEND RICHARD THE LIONHEART IN 1191."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE NEED TO NEGOTIATE WITH SOLADINE OVER THE PARTITION OF
THE HOLY LAND."
THEN, SENATOR KLOBUCHAR SPOKE OF VISITING A WORKER AT A DYING
FACTORY.
>> I WENT TO THIS PLANT AND THERE WAS ONE WORKER LEFT IN
THAT PLANT.
THAT WORKER BROUGHT OUT A COAT RACK OF UNIFORMS, AND HE SAID
"THESE ARE MY FRIENDS."
>> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "AND I MADE THAT MAN A PROMISE:
THAT I WOULD GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE WANTED IF HE JUST LET ME
OUT OF THE ROOM."
( LAUGHTER )
CAN COME WITH ME.
DO YOUR-- DO YOUR FRIENDS HAVE NAMES?"
KLOBUCHAR ALSO BROUGHT OUT A LOCAL EXAMPLE OF WOMEN
SUCCEEDING IN POLITICS.
>> KANSAS HAS A WOMAN GOVERNOR RIGHT NOW, AND SHE BEAT KRIS
KOBACH.
AND HER NAME, UM, IS-- I'M VERY PROUD TO KNOW HER-- AND
HER NAME IS GOVERNOR KELLY.
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
"I AM-- I AM SO PROUD TO CALL HER A FRIEND, AND I KNOW HER,
AND SHE'S KNOWN TO ME, AND HER NAME, WHICH I AM COMING
-- I AM COMING TO.
SHALL I SAY THE NAME?
YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT.
HERE I GO.
IT'S ... KELLY!
ONE OF HER NAMES IS KELLY!
IT'S EITHER HER FIRST NAME, LAST NAME, OR FAVORITE COLOR.
THANK YOU.
KELLY."
( APPLAUSE )
DEBATE TONIGHT WAS THE FALLING OUT BETWEEN BERNIE SANDERS AND
ELIZABETH WARREN.
LAST NIGHT, NEWS LEAKED THAT BERNIE SANDERS EVIDENTALY TOLD
ELIZABETH WARREN IN A PRIVATE 2018 MEETING THAT A WOMAN CAN'T
WIN THE PRESIDENCY.
NOW, BERNIE'S DENIED IT, BUT WARREN SAID THAT "AMONG THE
TOPICS THAT CAME UP WAS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DEMOCRATS
NOMINATED A FEMALE CANDIDATE.
I THOUGHT A WOMAN COULD WIN; HE DISAGREED."
WELL, THAT'S A REAL HE SAID, SHE SAID HE SAID WHAT HE JUST SAID
HE DIDN'T SAY.
( LAUGHTER )
BERNIE WAS ASKED ABOUT IT.
>> SENATOR SANDERS, CNN REPORTED YESTERDAY, AND SENATOR SANDERS--
SENATOR WARREN CONFIRMED IN A STATEMENT-- THAT IN 2018, YOU
TOLD HER THAT YOU DID NOT BELIEVE THAT A WOMAN COULD WIN
THE ELECTION.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?
>> WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DIDN'T SAY IT.
AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE A WHOLE LOT OF TIME ON THIS.
ANYBODY KNOWS ME KNOWS THAT IT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE THAT I WOULD
THINK THAT A WOMAN CANNOT BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
GO TO YOUTUBE TODAY.
>> Stephen: YES, IF YOU WANT TO SEE BERNIE SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT
FEMALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, GO TO YOUTUBE.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIS SUPPORTERS SAYING TERRIBLE
THINGS ABOUT THEM, GO TO THE COMMENTS SECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THERE IT IS.
BERNIE CATEGORICALLY DENIED THE CHARGE.
AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR WARREN TO GET A QUESTION.
>> SENATOR SANDERS, I DO WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, YOU'RE SAYING
THAT YOU NEVER TOLD SENATOR WARREN THAT A WOMAN COULD NOT
WIN THE ELECTION?
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> SENATOR WARREN, WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN SENATOR SANDERS TOLD
YOU A WOMAN COULD NOT WIN THE ELECTION?
( LAUGHTER )
QUESTIONS, ANDY COHEN?
(AS PHILLIP) "SENATOR WARREN, I WILL GIVE YOU
AN OPPORTUNITY NOW TO THROW WINE IN BERNIE'S FACE AND SNATCH THIS
BITCH'S WIG OFF, OKAY?
DO YOU WANT TO-- DO YOU WANT TO-- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
THEN SENATOR WARREN BROUGHT DOWN THE HAMMER.
>> LOOK AT THE MEN ON THIS STAGE.
COLLECTIVELY, THEY HAVE LOST TEN ELECTIONS.
THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THIS STAGE WHO HAVE WON EVERY SINGLE
ELECTION THAT THEY'VE BEEN IN ARE THE WOMEN.
>> Stephen: WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT ONLY HAVE THEY LOST 10 ELECTIONS.
NOW THEY'VE LOST THEIR BALLS TO ELIZABETH WARREN.
UNBELIEVABLE, JUST PUT THEM IN A ZIP POUCH... WARREN SPECIFICALLY
SAID SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE TO WIN AN ELECTION IN THE LAST 30
YEARS.
THAT'S WHEN GRAMMY AND GRANDPA REALLY STARTED TO MIX IT UP.
>> JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, I DEFEATED A
REPUBLICAN INCUMBENT RUNNING FOR CONGRESS.
>> WHEN?
>> 1990.
THAT'S HOW I WON.
BEAT A REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN.
NUMBER TWO-- >> OF COURSE!
>> Stephen: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
SHOW YOUR WORK!
DO MATH!
PENCILS DOWN!
WHY ISN'T YANG HERE?
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
JOE BIDEN TALKED ABOUT HIS POWER TO BRING THE BIGGEST COALITION
TOGETHER.
>> THE REAL ISSUE IS WHO CAN BRING THE PARTY TOGETHER AND
REPRESENT ALL ELEMENTS OF THE PARTY-- AFRICAN-AMERICANS,
BROWN, BLACK, WOMEN, MEN. GAY, STRAIGHT.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "WOMEN, MEN, GAY, STRAIGHT,
TOPS, BOTTOMS, PITCHERS, CATCHERS-- ALL IN A GIANT SWEATY
COALITION OF FREEDOM."
( LAUGHTER )
BERNIE LISTED ALL THE BENEFITS OF MEDICARE FOR ALL.
>> LET US BE CLEAR WHAT MEDICARE FOR ALL DOES.
IT ENDS ALL PREMIUMS.
IT ENDS ALL CO-PAYMENTS.
IT ENDS THE ABSURDITY OF DEDUCTIBLES.
IT ENDS OUT-OF-POCKET EXPENSES.
IT TAKES ON THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) ♪ WHAT CAN TAKE THE SUNRISE,
SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW, COVER IT ♪ WITH CHOCOLATE AND A MIRACLE
OR TWO?
♪ MY MEDICARE PLAN.
MY MEDICARE PLAN."
BECAUSE I WROTE THE DAMN BILL ♪ NOW, JOE BIDEN-- YOU REMEMBER
JOE BIDEN, OUR FRIEND JOE.
HE ALSO TALKED UP HIS HEALTHCARE BONA FIDES.
>> I WOULD ARGUE THAT THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGH IN RECENT
TIME WAS US BEING ABLE TO DO IN OUR ADMINISTRATION WHAT FIVE
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTS COULDN'T GET DONE.
AND THAT IS PASS OBAMACARE.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
SHAME ON PRESIDENT TRUMAN FOR NEVER ONCE MENTIONING OBAMACARE.
( LAUGHTER )
HARRY!
THEN MAYOR PETE MOVED IT ON TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> CLIMATE CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA FROM COAST TO COAST.
>> Stephen: COAST TO COAST.
OR AS IT WILL BE CALLED IN 20 YEARS, "CINCINNATI TO DENVER."
( LAUGHTER )
THE NIGHT, LATE IN THE DEBATE, BUTTIGIEG FACED A TOUGH
QUESTION: >> MAYOR BUTTIGIEG, YOU SAY
YOU'VE HAD TROUBLE EARNING THE SUPPORT OF BLACK VOTERS BECAUSE
YOU'RE UNKNOWN.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN CAMPAIGNING FOR A YEAR NOW.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT BLACK VOTERS HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU
AND HAVE SIMPLY DECIDED TO CHOOSE ANOTHER CANDIDATE?
>> Stephen: (AS PHILLIPS) "FOLLOW UP QUESTION: ARE YOU
GOING TO CRY?" GO AHEAD, SQUIRT HIM, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO CRY.
TURN ON THE-- NO?
OKAY.
UP UNTIL TONIGHT, CNN HAS BEEN HEAVILY PROMOTING THIS DEBATE AS
THE LAST TIME TO HEAR FROM THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES BEFORE
THE IOWA CAUCUS.
BUT THOSE SIX CANDIDATES ON STAGE AREN'T THE ONLY DEMOCRATS
STILL IN THE RACE.
AND CNN HAD PLENTY OF COVERAGE FOR THE OTHER CANDIDATES TOO.
CHECK OUT THEIR PROMO: >> TUESDAY NIGHT, BIDEN,
SANDERS, WARREN, BUTTIGIEG, KLOBUCHAR, STEYER, ALL ON STAGE
IN DES MOINES, IOWA, FOR THE CNN DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL-- CNN HAS EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE OF EVERY
CANDIDATE, EVEN THE ONES THAT DIDN'T QUALIFY, LIKE JOHN
DELANEY, OUTSIDE THE DEBATE STARING LONGINGLY THROUGH THE
WINDOW.
ANDREW YANG, AT A NEARBY FRAT, ARM WRESTLING A MANUFACTURING
ROBOT FOR $1,000.
MICHAEL BENNET AND DEVAL PATRICK SHARING A TRENCH COAT TO SPLIT A
SINGLE TICKET TO "JUMANJI."
TULSI GABBARD, STANDING ALONE IN A CORN FIELD, OMINOUSLY WAITING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY IS SHE IN THERE?
NOT THE FIELD, I MEAN THE RACE.
LIKE, WHAT IS IS GOING ON WITH THAT?
AND MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, IN THE "THE LATE SHOW" GREEN ROOM
FILLING HIS POCKETS WITH FREE SANDWICHES.
YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, SIR.
CONTROL YOURSELF.
ONLY CNN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MAYOR BLOOMBERG IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE FOR MORE MONOLOGUE
ABOUT TONIGHT'S TRUMP RALLY AND HIS IMPEACHMENT!
STICK AROUND.