MY NEXT GUEST SAY FORMER OPERA SINGER WHO NOW PERFORMS COMEDY
ALL OVER NEW YORK CITY, PLEASE WELCOME MATEO LANE.
(APPLAUSE) >> HI, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YES, I
AM GAY.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, SO I WAS IN ROME LAST YEAR.
I AM OF ITALIAN DESENT, GRACI, AND NORMALLY WHEN I GO TO ITALY
I'M JUST IN SICILY STAIRING AT MY OLD RELATIVES AND THEY ARE
LIKE MANGE SO I WAS IN ROME AND I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANT
TO HAVE LIKE A REAL DATE, LIKE A DIANNE LANE UNDER THE TUS CAN
SUN MOMENT, BUT THEN I WENT ON A HOOKUP,-- LIKE NO IT'S HARD TO
FIGURE OUT WHO IS GAY AND STRAIGHT IN ITALY, THEY ALL LOOK
GAY THERE, LIKE I PASS FOR STRAIGHT, THAT'S A PROBLEM.
BUT I MET THIS GUY, IT WAS GREAT, HIS NAME WAS FRANCESCO
AND HE WAS LIKE KIND OF-- HE WAS IN THE CLOSET SO MEETING UP WITH
HIM WAS REALLY HARD.
HE KEPT BEING LIKE WE HAVE TO MEET AT THIS PLACE AT THIS TIME.
LIKE IS THIS A DRUG DEAL?
AND THEN WHEN I WENT TO GO MEET HIM HE WAS IN LIKE, THEY HAD THE
BAR AND THEN THERE WAS A SHADOW AND HE WAS JUST LIKE UNDER THE
SHADOW LIKE THIS.
I WAS LIKE FRANCESCO AND HE WAS LIKE-- COME ON!
ITALIANS ARE THE MOST DRAMATIC PEEL ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
THIS WAS IN THE A DATE T WAS A FULL BLOWN OPERA.
WE IMMEDIATELY STARTED ARGUING WHICH LIKE WHO ARGUES ON A FIRST
DATE BUT I THOUGHT HE SHOULD TELL HIS PARENTS THAT HE WAS
GAY.
AND THE WORD FOR GAY IN ITALIAN, BY THE WAY, IS JUST GAY WITH AN
ITALIAN ACCENT SO IT'S JUST GA-YA.
SO WHILE I'M YELLING AT ME,-- (SPEAKING ITALIAN) THEN WE
STARTED MAKING OUT AND BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD DONE THIS BEFORE,
HE STARTED TO LOSE IT.
SO LIKE AT THE END OF OUR OPERA, HE JUST LIKE SHOVES ME ASIDE AND
STARTS SCREAMING AT HIMSELF AND GOES AY, FRANCESCO, WHAT YOU
HAVE DONE!
IT WAS GREAT.
BUT ON AMERICAN DATES ARE YOU LIKE OH, YOU HAVE AN OLDER
BROTHER.
(LAUGHTER) MORE GUAC PLEASE.
I LOVE ITALY, LIKE GREAT FOOD BUT IF YOU ARE A COFFEE DRINKER,
ITALY IS THE BEST COFFEE IN THE WORLD.
AND I HATE WE ARE STUCK IN AMERICA WITH STARBUCKS, LIKE
IT'S JUST-- I KEEP GOING, I'M LIKE A BARYTED WIFE, I KEEP
GOING BACK LIKE HE'LL CHANGE, BUT IT'S JUST THE SAME.
I WANT INTO STAR BUCKS ONE TIME, THEY ASKED FOR MY NAME TO PUT ON
THE BACK OF THE CUP, SHE TURNED AROUND, MADE MY DRINK, CAME
BECOME, IT SAID POTATOE.
(LAUGHTER) HERE'S THE THING.
WHEN YOU HEAR POTATOE, YOU STOP WRITING ON THE CUP.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHEN YOU SAY, I'M SORRY,
I HEARD POTATOE.
(LAUGHTER) WOW.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
I MEAN WHAT BARISTA IS LIKE OH, THE FIFTH POATD POAT TODAY!
-- FIFTH POTATOE TODAY!
ONE TIME I WENT IN AND I WAS WEARING FAKE GLASSES.
THEY HAD 2340 LENSES IN THEM BUT I WAS FEELING MYSELF, AND WENT
UP TO THE-- WELL WE SHOULD STOP CALLING THEM BARISTAS, THEY ARE
JUST EMPLOYEES AT STAR BUCKS, THAT'S CALLED SHADE. AND I WENT
UP TO THEM-- YES, YES, AND I WENT UP HI, SHE DIDN'T EVEN
TYPE, SHE LOOKED AT ME AND GOES YOUR GLASSES DON'T HAVE ANY
LENSES IN THEM.
OKAY, WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY E OH MY GOD, YOU ARE RIGHT, I
THOUGHT THIS WAS A SBARRO.
YEAH, I KNOW.
AND THEN HER GAY COWORKER WEARING REAL GLASSES, BY THE
WAY, I DON'T KNOW WHY US GAYS THERE IS ALWAYS ONE GAY WORKING
AT STAR BUCKS, I DON'T KNOW WHY WHY.
IF THERE IS ONE GAY, WORK WILL GET DONE.
IF THERE IS MORE THAN ONE GAY, NOTHING GETS DONE!
ONE GAY IS ALWAYS MANNING A SINKING SHIP, SUE, HURRY UP,
LET'S GO, MORE MUFFINS.
TWO GAYS, HAU, WHAT DOES SHE WANT.
SO HE HEARS I'M WEARING FAKE GLASS, HE'S GOT REAL GLASSES,
JUST SLITTERS INTO THE CONVERSATION, AND JUST PLAYS THE
BIGGEST VICTIM.
HE GOES I FIND IT INTERESTING THAT THOSE WHO DON'T NEED
GLASSES CHOOSE TO WEAR THEM.
(LAUGHTER) WHEN WE WHO NEED THEM HAVE NO
CHOICE.
OKAY, JAFAR.
(LAUGHTER) AND I JUST WANTED MY COFFEE SO I
WAS LIKE CAN I GET PIE COFFEE AND THEY DOUBLED DOWN, LIKE WHY
ARE WEARING THOSE GLASSES.
SO I SAID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS VERY FUNNY.
I WAS LIKE INJURE YOUR JOB IS AS REAL AS THESE GLASS.
I KNOW!
BUT LISTEN, IT'S A FAKE JOB.
BARISTA IS A FAKE JOB.
IT'S A FAKE JOB IN THE SAME WAY I THINK A PHARMACIST IS I FAKE
JOB LIKE OH, PHARMACIST-- WHY ARE YOU WEARING LAB COATS THERE
IS NO SCIENCE HAPPENING BACK THERE.
(LAUGHTER) NO CHEMISTRY, YOU'RE NOT IN
INJURE JURASSIC PARK, YOU AREN'T CREATING NEW DINOSAURS, ARE YOU
IN THE LOWEST FORM.
ONE TIME I WAS IN OHIO TALKING ABOUT PHARMACISTS AND THIS GUY
STANDS UP AND GOES I WENT TO SIX YEARS OF PHARMACY SCHOOL, I WAS
LIKE WHAT DID YOU DO FOR SIX YEARS IN STARM SEE SCHOOL, DID
YOU JUST PUT ON A LAB COAT AND YOUR TEACHER WAS LIKE, ALL
RIGHT, EVERYONE.
HOW MANY PILLS DO YOU SEE?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: MATEO LANE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.