[Santa voice] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!
And welcome to the Kill Count, where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies.
I'm the horribly-named Santa Meat and today we're looking at Christmas Evil, released in 1980.
[James voice] All right, I'm done with the voice now.
This movie is often miscategorized as a slasher, even though there isn't much slashing. It does
remind me of some early slashers, the ones that took themselves seriously. As opposed
to the slashers that came out in the mid and late 80s, the earliest iterations didn't focus
entirely on sex and gore. Sometimes that worked out great, like with Prom Night and Tourist Trap.
Christmas Evil doesn't quite reach the quality of those movies, but it's still a fun time capsule of
the late 70s, when it was filmed. I'd put this thing on the level of Terror Train,
the New Years slasher. Though it's got a murderous Santa, it is FAR from the bloody, booby schlock of
Silent Night, Deadly Night - this killer Kris Kringle tale is more of a character study,
kind of like Taxi Driver or Joker, the comic book version of Taxi Driver. It's the story of
a maladjusted middle-aged man who's misunderstood by his friends and family. He's mocked until he
spirals into a costumed killing spree, bringing dire consequences to those he deems "naughty".
Written in 1972 as a darkly comedic psychological thriller, it didn't find funding until the success
of Halloween, another holiday-based horror film. The comparison caused it to fail,
due to the aforementioned lack of boobs and blood, and it might have been forgotten to
history if not for John Waters, who loves it and shows it annually at his Christmas party.
"It's a really heartwarming Christmas horror movie that I recommend for the whole family"
"to really be appalled by on Christmas Eve."
I've counted these kills and checked em all twice - cause if I didn't,
I'd hear about it in the comments. Let's go!
The movie begins on Christmas Eve in 1947, the year the US gifted post-war Europe the
Marshall Plan! Hey cam op, can we see less of the house and more of the sky, please? Yeah,
there you go. That's a good shot. Two brothers and their mom are watching Santa come down the
chimney. I can't tell from the wooden acting if this is Dad and Mom's in on the plan, or if she's
shocked to see a burglar who adheres to pagan rituals. In any case, her face is scarin me!
Santa lays out gifts, winks at the kids on the stairs, then disappears up the chimney.
Wait and then the family jump cuts away? This movie's off to a really good start. Little Harry
believes that that was actually Santa - not their dad, which is his younger brother Phil's theory
"It was Daddy. You're crazy Harry!"
That's that kid's only line and he fucking kills it.
"It was Daddy. You're crazy Harry!"
To prove his bro wrong, Harry sneaks back to the staircase, where he learns something
terrible - Santa sucks at foreplay! Really though he just crouches there and grazes the
mom's stockinged leg for like an hour. I bet that dude can't watch A Christmas Story without gettin'
horned up. But maybe Santa's simply not allowed to go further - "heroes don't do that," ya know?
Anyway the experience traumatizes Harry, so much that he gets Rosebud up in this bitch.
Aw, and what are you doin with that glass,
little man? Painting the rosebuds red? We're done setting up the story now, so on to the
TITLE CARD
Ohhhh shit, Title Card's got a different title on it! That's a real fun club to belong to. Writer
director Lewis Jackson made the film under the title "You Better Watch Out". He didn't
even know the title had been changed until he saw a poster made by the marketing department.
"So what do you feel about the Christmas Evil title?"
"I hate it"
[Laughing] "Okay"
Now we're in the present - or, the gift, if you prefer. It's more than 30 years later and
Harry has grown up as you'd expect - completely fucked uppp. Pretty decent dance moves though.
Harry's played by Brandon Maggart, who had a background in musical comedy on Broadway.
Explains the dance moves, and also explain his daughter's career - dude is Fiona Apple's dad.
It's only Thanksgiving Eve, but Harry's already livin life as a
Santa Clause - perhaps hoping that he too will one day caress a milf's
leg by the fire. Better get prepared for that possibility by doing your best Pee Wee Herman
"Hahahahahaha"
"Ha"
"Ha ha ha ha"
HEH HEH! MAD DOG!
Harry takes the Santa obsession further, Rear Windowing the neighborhood kids to chronicle
their behavior. Some are nice, some are naughty, and then there's little Suzy.
"Suzy Levitt. Such a sweet baby."
Ho boy, I'll tell you who belongs a list. That's right Harry. It's you.
Harry works at a toy factory called Jolly Dream - hey cam op,
make sure this shot is 60% sky. Yeah, there you go. That's a good shot. This real-life
toy factory belonged to Pressman Toys, and was available to use thanks to producer Ed
Pressman. The only condition was they weren't allowed to feature the company's real toys,
so instead these workers assemble the world's most stereotypical Christmas toys. Toy soldiers,
dump trucks, shitty motorbike guys - nothing anybody would actually want. Harry knows.
"Nobody here is interested in good toys."
"That includes me." "Me too."
I love how blue collar these dudes are
in fact they tease Harry for his recent promotion to a management position.
"Oh right you don't go to union meetings anymore."
[Laughter]
Aw man, unions in 1979. These guys don't know they bout to get Reaganized.
This jackass Frank, wearing a bucket hat 2 sizes too small, bullies Harry into working
a double and taking his shift that night. As much as Harry loves putting together toys on
the assembly line, he's still upset later when he sees Frank yuckin it up in a bar.
"I get that Schmuck Harry working for me tonight."
Harry runs home and does an interpretative dance denoting anguh but calms himself down by humming
Christmas tunes and fondling a doll. I'm sure that's a longterm solution for his problems.
Harry takes a late night visit to his childhood home, where more window watching shows us how his
brother Phil lives. He's got two cheery kids and one attractive, horny wife. All this sleigh
bell ringing gives Harry flashbacks to the time he saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, so the next day he
calls his brother and says he won't be coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. This causes Phil concern,
because he knows how weird his brother is, but I'd say try not to worry about it,
bud - you've got a hot wife who's all freakin over you. These two are like Morticia and Gomez.
Phil's played by a 32 year old Jeffrey DeMunn, who you're probably more used to seeing as a
man in his 60s, when he was in The Walking Dead. I actually think I have a similar build to him here,
and I happen to be 32 right now. So maybe I'll look like Dale Horvath in a few decades.
Phil was right to worry, though, Harry's gettin weirder by the day.
Especially since December has dawned on the city - it's almost Christmas Time!
Harry not only sews together his own Santa outfit, he also customizes his wheels with
the shittiest van art I've ever seen. Might as well paint the words: CHILDREN BEWARE.
No, seriously guy, you've gotta think about how your behavior looks and sounds.
"Suzy you look so beautiful."
COME ON MAN, you're just asking to get run out of town! And that's
even without anyone seeing this picture of Suzy on your desk.
"Look at that."
I am looking at that, and I'm really concerned.
The naughtiest kid in town, according to Harry's records, is Moss Garcia. Probably acting out
because his name is freakin Moss. Harry goes to Moss's house that night and does what any Santa
does to naughty kids - he rubs dirt on his face and gives the house a mud kiss. What the fuck.
Honestly, this scene isn't consequential, but I did want to note the 28 year old Patricia
Richardson. 12 years later she'd be starting Home Improvement as Jill the Tool Wife Taylor.
Hehehe
With a name like Jolly Dream, you know this place has gotta have a holly holiday party.
Complete with a director cameo in the background - that's Lewis Jackson playing the bartender. Lot
of close-ups on his hands. I love how much time this movie spends with working class folk. It
lends itself to some commentary on capitalism, which was hinted at with the talk of unions
and the blue collar / white collar divide. That conflict comes up again at the party.
"Oh what's his problem Harry? Is he jealous because you're one of us now?"
The theme is explored even more when Harry sees a video of the company owner. In it,
he talks about their toy donation to a children's state hospital.
"The more toys we make, the more we can give. So keep production up"
"and if you feel it in your heart, contribute some of your own money."
Harry asks the other higher-ups how the toy donations work,
and they admit that it's a way to use their workers's money to enhance the company image.
"The factory can't always shoulder the whole burden."
"You mean you're waiting for these guys to contribute?"
"You're on the other side of the desk now. You've got to understand good business."
The plan was devised by this young executive, Mr. Grosch, who the others say have a bright future in
BUSINESS!
And they ain't lying - that's friggin Frank from Succession!
Harry gets pissed about all this Christmas greed, so he leaves the party and goes down to the
assembly line. There, he stuffs a napsack full of stolen toys, cause this dude about to Robin
Hood some plastic cheer! His final preparation is to glue a Santa beard to his face. He must have
mixed up spirit glue with rubber cement, though, cause that thing don't look like it's coming off
"Ehehehe"
"Ehe ehehe"
HEH-HEH MAD DOG!
On Christmas Eve, it's time for the Sled Express to roll out. First stop: Moss Garcia's house,
to drop off a bag of dirt. Next it's onto the Children's state hospital, which is the last
place I want to see THIS van pulling up to. The ancient security guard is initially hesitant...
"What do you think you're doing?"
...but Harry wins him over with a present and a promise to stay outside.
Good call dude.
It starts snowing, a Christmas miracle to go with Harry's van of Christmas contraband. 'Come one,
come all, take these stolen gifts for the children! Just don't think about their heartache
when it's all later seized as evidence.' Harry celebrates a victory over the greedy company
executives, but he's not quite done yet. Earlier, he was seen molding a metal weapon to be a toy,
and now he takes it to a midnight mass he knows the executives are attending.
The service ends and some young massholes approach Santa with a haughty attitude.
"Well Santa, you look ready for a busy night."
"Come now Charles, a little respect."
Since they're getting in the way of murder Santa's aspirations, he stabs the front one in the eye
with his toy soldier sword and kills two more by hacking at their skulls with a toy hatchet.
Super Santa Getaway! Yeah y'all CEOs just lucked out, that could have been you.
Christmas Evil is finally a horror movie, with Harry having lost all semblance of the
milquestoast middle manager he once was. He stumbles upon another holiday party at what
looks like a union hall, complete with bored as hell kids. I remember being those kids.
Two of the dudes inside know what will liven this place up - freakin Santa! Hey Santa,
get the fuck in here man! You'd better listen to this guy, too,
Harry - he's on his way to being a high level member of a drug cartel.
Harry gets into the spirit...
"Merry Christmas everyone!"
[Cheers]
...and maybe even meets a maiden whose leg he can hump by the fireplace. First, though,
he's gotta talk to the kids. Cause these poor parents don't know who they're dealing with.
Except her. She might have an idea. Harry does some dancing and tells the kids they'd
better be good in a speech that could have been delivered by Adam Sandler with minimal adjustments
"Obey your teachers, and learn a whoooole lot."
[James] 'Stay good as long as you can.'
After that rousing success, Santa's feeling good, but not GREAT - see, he's still thinking of Frank,
the asshole at work who took advantage of him and talked shit. He heads to Frank's home and
climbs onto the guy's roof, hoping to sneak in through the chimney. It doesn't work. Yeah,
try the window dude. Much easier, if less on-brand.
He finds the Christmas tree and leaves some presents underneath it,
cause it's not these kids's fault that their dad wears dumb hats and sucks. Harry then sneaks
into the bedroom to attack Frank. He tries to suffocate him but it takes a bit too long, so
his plan B is to slit Frank's throat with a tree topper, murdering his co-worker in his own bed.
Aw Harry, that was NOT a nice present for Mrs. Frank. Or these little newly crowned orphans.
Harry takes off in his sleigh and now it's all of a sudden Christmas Day. We're back with Phil
again, if you remember him, and he's worried because he hasn't heard from his brother in a
while. Huh, couldn't have anything to do with that midnight mass-acre on the news, could it?
Though authorities have been looking for the killer Santa Clause,
Harry's evaded them throughout the night - looks like by covering up his van. Now
he's bright eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to inspect some toys. Uh oh,
not to your liking, Hare-Bear? Well, you know what you can do with those. THROW THEM ON THE GROUND!
He calls up his younger brother and tells him he should be proud.
"I did what you've always wanted me to do. I finally found the right notes. I can play the tune now."
Oh, you a bit of a musician now, Harry? I guess the Fiona Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Anyway it's all a bunch of nonsense that only makes Phil worried and his wife cry.
Dammit, Santa, this is last year's shopping mall trip ALL OVER AGAIN!
Harry's van stalls out near the town's radioactive district, and he walks through the overly bright,
overly uniform decorations in a yuletide stupor. Eventually,
some children happen upon him and tell him he needs to keep his Clause costume clean.
"Santa your suits dirty!"
The grimy suit and bruised face tells these parents that this is the Killer
Santa Clause. One dad approaches with a freakin switchblade but Santa bribes these
kids with gifts and earns their trust. I choose YOU, pigtail pinky! She uses 'father's love'!
It successfully disarms the opponent! Okay, cool. Super Santa Getaway!
Now we're in the full-on anti-Santa mob portion of the film. It's like Frankenstein,
except with holiday spirit and a little more trash. The torch bearers launch into a war on
Christmas the likes of which Fox News could only dream of covering. They scare him away and Harry
drives his van to his childhood home. His brother answers and immediately puts everything together.
"Oh my god!"
"I knew it was you."
Harry tells Phil that he's actually a really good Santa Clause.
"All children love me!"
Phil gets pissed and strangles Harry into unconsciousness, and, not knowing what else
he should do, puts his brother's limp body back into his van. Harry comes to and quickly punches
Phil's lights out, then drives away, ready for his final act. Beset on all sides by angry mobs
and his concerned brother, Harry drives his van right off the road - and, somehow,
into the freakin sky. That's right, muthafuckas. The movie ends like it was god damned Grease!
You've waited patiently for your gift of counted kills. Let's unwrap the number and see what it is.
Oh, I can't, I can't eat or drink with this on.
With this beard.
This isn't gonna work!
Oh fuck, uhhh, alright.
I'll see ya at the numbers.
Only 4 people died in Christmas Evil, cause again, not really a "slasher".
3 guys and 1 lady died, and according to Harry, this pie chart is 100% naughty.
With a runtime of 94 minutes, that left us with a kill on average every 23.5 minutes.
I'll give the Golden Chainsaw for Coolest Kill to the guy who gets stabbed in the eye
with a toy sword. Definitely the most graphic kill. Dull Machete for Lamest Kill will go to
the two people who died after him, victims of cutting from both hatchet and editor.
And that's it. Christmas Evil came out in 1980 and if you think I'm out of holiday horror movies,
you are very very wrong. Only one Kill Count left for this year, though our New
Year's Eve spectacular. Until then I'm James A. Janisse. This has been the Kill Count.
The Forever Purge can currently be watched on the pictured streaming platforms.
Dead Meat always recommends you watch the movie for yourself before it's Kill Count.
It's the only way to have your own properly informed opinion.
Kill Counts are never meant to replace the experience of watching a film.
[Santa voice] Ho ho ho! Thanks a lot for watching this Kill Count on Christmas Evil!
I wanna thank some good little children like
[James voice] akajinxter and Bonedaddy-96
Reminder as always to check that schedule update because things are about to change in just a coupla weeks.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
Be safe out there alright? Be good people.