What's up, guys?
Quick disclaimer: This video is going to be heavy on the 'F'.
That is the "feeling" language, if you will,
but bear with me, because I believe that this video has some content
that I think that everyone could stand to think about.
That's right 'T' users. You're not exempt from this message. Don't go anywhere.
We've all had those moments where someone is opening up to us, or venting to us
and we're not quite sure how to respond in a way that's going to give them
what they want in the moment and make them feel heard
without escalating the situation or making their feelings feel invalid.
We've all had those moments where we haven't given that person
the response that they needed in that moment,
which can be frustrating, because often we have the best intentions.
We just aren't sure the way to go about it that's going to be helpful for them.
It can be especially frustrating for those of us who are "fixers".
Meaning that we like to go into conversations where people
are talking to us about their feelings, with the mentality of:
"Let's come up with a solution to this problem,
rather than sitting there and listening in silence."
Just to jump into Myers-Briggs lingo, real quick,
this could be a common thing for 'T' users.
So Thinkers when they're talking to an 'F' user, so Feeler.
But making your friends, or your partners, or your parents, or your child,
or whoever it may be's feelings feel heard
is so important for healthy communication, because if you make someone feel heard
and understood in their feelings, that person is much more likely to do so for you.
I personally have had relationships where I failed at this
and relationships where I've prioritized this.
And the latter relationships have always been more healthy
and always made me feel happier in the long run.
When feelings are validated, both parties feel more free to be themselves.
Therefore more understood. Therefore more peaceful in the long run
and ultimately more loved.
Here's a quick guide on how to validate someone's emotions.
Keeping in mind that I can only give you advice on how to present yourself
in such moments and certain verbal cues to use.
The desire to actually want to be a better listener
and to develop this ability organically is on you.
I'll also mention that validating someone's feelings does not mean
that the feelings need to make sense to you,
or that you have to agree with the feelings necessarily,
but I'll get to that later.
Just to disclaimer: I'm going to be speaking about this
generally from my experience and what I've observed works
in other people's relationships, as well as my own.
I know that there is a lot of nuance to this topic,
but I just wanted to give some tips to you, guys,
because I do believe in healthy communication a lot.
And as an 'Fi' user, I have decided to make a video about it.
To start off with the good news,
is that if you find yourself nervous about what to do in these situations,
because perhaps emotions are not your forte, to alleviate this stress,
you should always feel free to ask your friend:
"Are you coming to me because you'd like advice,
or because you'd just like to vent?"
That should give you a tip as to what your final approach is going to be.
But even if you are there to give advice,
the process of validating the person's feelings is still important.
So the following is still relevant to you.
First and foremost, you want to create a space where the person feels free to express.
You're going to want to approach this by appearing open and curious
to the person's feelings, genuinely.
This shouldn't be hard if you actually care about the person.
Perhaps the person has come to you of their own accord
or perhaps you've sensed that there's some kind of pent-up emotion within them.
In the latter case, try a simple:
"Hey, is there anything that you'd like to talk about?"
or "Hey, are you okay?"
or if you know the person particularly well, a more specific question such as:
"Hey, I've noticed that you've seemed a little bit stressed lately.
Is there anything that you'd like to talk about?"
First of all, trust their answer and don't force it too much.
Your job isn't to make them talk,
it's merely to provide a safe space where they feel that they are free
to share when they are ready.
If they say "no" to talking, just try a simple:
"Okay. Well, if you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here."
or "I'm happy to listen."
and then confirm that with a more actions based approach, such as:
Making them a cup of tea,
or going and sitting next to them,
or suggesting that you watch a movie together.
This provides the groundwork for creating that space
and makes the person believe that you are actually there for them,
because your actions are matching your words.
Regardless of whether the person has approached you or you've approached them,
your first role is always going to be to listen.
To listen, to understand and not to respond.
That means, do more listening then more talking.
Make sure that at the start of your conversation
that your body language is open:
You're facing them, you're not crossing your arms or anything.
You're not leaning away.
Remember that in this moment you need to show that you are
genuinely open to them and their feelings.
Do not look at your phone while they are speaking to you.
Do not let yourself get distracted by small things around you.
Practice active listening.
That might be just nodding as they're speaking,
or saying periodic "mmm",
just to let them know that you're following what they're saying,
or responding through facial expressions,
or simply just maintaining eye contact with them.
Staying present is the most important thing.
That person needs to feel like you are 100% listening to them,
100% there for them and that nothing else is more interesting to you in that moment.
Next: Don't make jokes, don't interrupt, especially don't interrupt
if you want to tell a story about how you relate to their experience.
There will be a moment to do that, but that will be after the person
has expressed their feelings, which we'll get to a bit later.
If there is an organic moment of silence,
ask questions to clarify certain details or feelings,
rather than to seem like you're judging the person.
So things like: "What were you feeling at that moment?"
or "Where do you think that feeling was coming from?"
and if you need to clarify some more details, say something like:
"Could you just give me an example of that,
so I could understand it a little bit better?"
Not questions like:
"Why did you do that?"
or "Yeah, but what about how I feel?"
It's not the time!
Remember that it's not about you right now.
Right now, it's about the person expressing their feeling and it'll be your turn later.
And they will be open to hearing you out,
if you hear them out yourself.
But midway through their piece is not the right time.
In fact, if you do it midway through their piece,
all they will hear is that their experience is invalid.
Because you're trying to fight against it.
The truth is that...
and I want you to listen to me really carefully.
Come on, get closer.
Their feelings are valid.
No matter what they are,
their emotional experience is valid.
And they need to express that, rather than suppress that.
So let them say their whole piece and only interject with helpful questions
if there's an organic moment of silence,
or small comments, such as:
"Wow. That's hard."
Jumping back into MBTI lingo, for a second,
This is important whether a person is a dominant Thinker or a dominant Feeler,
because guess what? Everyone needs their feelings to be validated.
People need to be listened to, full stop. And at this point of the conversation
your role is to listen and to try and understand.
So you've had three roles so far:
First: To be open and curious about their feelings.
Second: To listen.
Third: To try and understand.
Next: We're going to move on to the nurturing phase.
This is the phase after which a person has exposed a bleeding wound to you
and it is your job to gently tend to it.
So that you can help it to heal.
After the person has expressed their feelings
and what they have to say has come to an organic end,
what you say next will depend on a bunch of factors, such as:
How well you know them,
whether they're a Thinker or a Feeler, etc, etc.
But here are some tips that I personally have found to work literally 100% of the time
after someone has opened up.
Do not say anything to the effect of:
"You're being too emotional."
"You're just too sensitive."
"You're being overdramatic."
and the worst one:
"It's just your time of the month."
In fact, get rid of these phrases from your vocabulary, full stop.
It doesn't matter what's causing the emotion.
The emotion is real
and if it's not addressed and talked about,
is potentially going to be pent up and come back to bite you both in bad ways.
So it is in your best interest to validate the emotion that
the person has just expressed to you.
While we're on this topic, other phrases to avoid
when people have just pulled their heart out to you:
"Others have it much worse than you."
"Just ignore them."
"Who cares?"
"Try to stay positive."
"It will all work out in the end. Don't worry."
"At least you've got food and a roof over your head."
or other such phrases that trivialize someone's feelings.
A good trick is to repeat what the person has just said back to them.
For instance:
"So you feel neglected when I choose to spend time with my friends
on the weekend, instead of you."
Hearing you repeat their feelings or emotional experience back to them
will make the person feel relief that they have been heard
and not judged for feeling the way that they feel.
If they still seem confused about their feelings,
help them to elaborate on their feelings by asking questions, such as:
"How long have you been feeling that way?"
"Where do you think that feeling is coming from?"
"What were you thinking about in that moment?"
"How do you wish things were different?"
Next: To further nurture their emotions in that moment,
try phrases, such as,
and 'T' users, you're gonna want to click off this video when I say these things,
but trust me, it's in your best interest to listen to these phrases for the sake of any
future relationship you're going to have, full stop,
especially if it's going to be with an 'F' user:
"That must be really hard. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling."
"It's completely fair that you feel that way."
"Thank you for sharing that with me. That must have been really hard for you."
or less "emotional" ways of saying that:
"Thanks for sharing with me. I now understand a lot more about what you've been going through."
"I really appreciate your vulnerability."
"That sucks. It sounds like you've been having a rough time."
"That's super understandable that you feel that way."
If you are close to the person, try more personal phrases, such as:
"I love these chats because I get to know so much more about you."
"I respect and admire you so much for what you've been through."
"You're really brave for sharing that with me."
"You've been through so much and I'm so proud of who you are today."
Hopefully you'll sound more genuine than I do
when reciting these lines to a camera.
All of these phrases recognize the emotional journey
that the person has been on and validate that emotion.
I understand that some of those phrases might be "cringe" to a lot of you,
but there are always other ways to express the same sentiments
that are specific to your relationship with that person.
The important thing at the end of the day
is that you recognize the emotion that they're experiencing
and let them know that you're still here.
Not judging them. Just loving them.
Next: To normalize their emotions, try using phrases that are going to let them know
that their experience or emotions are reasonable:
"No wonder you didn't want to go to that party... you'd had an extremely taxing day."
"Of course you're worried about... going to that event.
Nobody wants to run into their ex in a social situation after a hard breakup."
This is where you can recall a personal experience, that you've had, that relates
to the person's experience, but only...
with the intention of understanding that person or making them feel understood.
Not with the intention of making the conversation about you.
Do not try to relate through a personal experience of yours,
if you do not have actual experience similar to the experience
that the person has been through.
If you haven't gone through something similar,
but you try to tell them that you have, like:
"I totally understand what you're going through.
Here's this loosely relevant story that makes me seem like I've had
the exact emotional response that you have, but really I haven't.
That's just gonna make the person feel misunderstood.
The next important thing is to apologize for anything that needs apologizing for.
This is important especially if it's a relationship
with a closer person to you and they've opened up about how they feel
when you act in a particular way, or say things in a particular way,
or just anything that involves you directly impacting their emotions,
which we all do in relationships. That's normal.
I should mention we also make mistakes in this area. It's very normal.
It's totally fine to just apologize and to endeavor to be better.
For instance, they might say:
"When you talk to me this way, it makes me feel this way."
Again, remember even if you disagree with what they've said,
their emotional experience is still real and you need to recognize that.
In this case, try saying phrases, such as:
"I now understand how you might have felt."
"It certainly wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I understand why it came off that way."
"I'm sorry that my actions made you feel that way."
"I'm sorry for not being more sensitive to your emotions in the moment."
"I'll try to be a little bit more mindful of that going forward."
and obviously, if you've done something objectively wrong or hurtful,
apologizing, flat out, is generally advisable.
If you feel bad, but don't know what to apologize for
or want to help, but you don't know how to help.
Try asking questions, like:
"What can I do to help make this experience easier for you?"
or "How would it be helpful for me to respond in the future?"
You're not a mind reader.
It would be unfair for anyone to expect you to have a perfect response to everything.
So it's totally fine to ask questions.
You're both two people who have grown up with completely
different life experiences and different needs.
You're not gonna immediately be in tune with each other's emotional needs.
So it's fine to ask for a little bit of help.
On the flip side, it's also really helpful for you to indicate your needs to the person.
If you find that you disagree with a lot of what the person has said
and find the need to stand up for yourself in some way,
that's fair. Your feelings are valid too.
So it's important to express that,
but remember that this does not negate the validity of their experience.
So you need to express yourself in a healthy way,
while still acknowledging their emotions.
I know that this can be really hard,
but here are some more tips from old Krispikins,
that's the first time I've said that nickname.
It's one of the nicknames I had growing up.
Now I'm going to share with you a little trick that I've found helpful
in these situations:
When you want to refute a point someone said,
whilst still making them feel like their experience is valid,
that is: Instead of using the word "but",
use "at the same time."
So instead of: "I hear your feelings, but I feel this way."
You're saying: 'I hear your feelings, at the same time, I feel this way."
The latter is less confrontational
and it conveys the message that both of your feelings
are allowed to exist at the same time,
rather than using "but", which is more confrontational
and can also make it seem like you're shutting down the person's feelings.
Another important thing to remember
is that when you're expressing your emotional response to their feelings,
make sure that you're avoiding blame.
Try using language, such as:
"It would be helpful for me if...", or even:
"I'd really like to be better at..."
So that might look something like:
"I understand that you were feeling hurt in that moment, at the same time,
I don't really have a good intuition for these things.
So it would be really helpful for me, if we can move towards you,
maybe, telling me in the moment when you're feeling that way.
I understand that's hard for you and I'd like to be better,
but I'm really not good at reading between the lines in those moments."
If the conversation goes really well and it ends with the person saying:
"Gosh! I feel so much better. Thank you for listening."
Another approach might be to say:
"Of course! I'm always here for you. Thank you for sharing.
I'd like to share a little bit from my end now, if that's okay."
In my experience, the person has always said "yes" to this.
If they say: "Not right now",
because they feel vulnerable, or tender in their emotions, or whatever it is,
make sure you do still express that you would like to, at some point,
talk about your feelings.
Something like:
"Okay. Would it be okay if we talk about this a little bit more later today then?"
Remember, and I'll say it again,
that your feelings are valid too.
So it's important for you to find healthy ways of expressing them yourself.
Otherwise, they could just build up and turn into resentment,
which comes out in really terrible ways.
Your final role is to be honest from your end,
but kind in your honesty.
Generally speaking, in any kind of relationship
it's important for both parties to feel heard and free to express,
in order for the relationship to flourish.
The good news is that if you fulfilled your roles in creating an open space,
being curious about the person's feelings,
listening, understanding, nurturing, apologizing
and being honest in return,
in that order,
the other person will be much more open to hearing you out.
Don't be disheartened if it takes time to work on these things, guys.
They don't happen overnight. They rarely happen perfectly,
but they are 100% worth it in the long run.
I wonder how many Thinkers made it to the end of this video.
Are you a Thinker making it to the end of this video?
Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for listening, guys.
There's, obviously, more nuance to this as there is to everything,
but that's just a little bit about my experience
and things that I have found work for me.
Hope that you got something out of this and I will catch you later.
Bye!