welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert a lot of big stories
a lot of big stories to talk about tonight but first I have a big announcement to make after much
thought and soul searching hi Stephen Colbert and banning Kanye West from the Ed Sullivan Theater
Line in the Sand in fact as host of The Late Show my jurisdiction extends into the northern half of
Times Square and I am Banning Kanye from coming north of Bubba Gump Shrimp okay I have to I have
to stay out of Times Square he he's been creeping out the Elmos and they've seen a lot already
and I just want to take a moment here and and just point out that this this next part is
the courageous part I'm also ending all of our high profile collabs including but not
restricted to our collection of spreadable jams strabisi jalisi and I've decided not
to release our Duets album yea and Fenn sing Fiddler on the Roof I know I know
I know this has been too long and coming I have no excuses for why I didn't do this
before except perhaps that he has never been on the show had no plans to be on the show we
have never asked him to be on the show and I am not uh sure he is aware that I have a show
but I had to do it now because I was afraid he would just show up at any moment because
that's what he did yesterday the shoe company Sketcher said it had to escort Kanye West from
its offices after an unannounced visit in five years the idea of unannounced visit from Kanye
has gone from amazing to sir you need to leave the Skechers right try Payless try Payless Shoes
it gets worse unlike with Adidas Kanye never had any deal with Skechers apparently Kanye
is so desperate he's just driving around searching Google Maps for shoes near me
at this point he's going to have to set his sights lower and be celebrity spokesman for
slippers that come with the robe you know their slogan throw us away [Laughter]
[Applause]
speaking of sketchy Tesla CEO and cousin saying hey oh take a picture of me with the space thongs
Elon Musk this week musk announced that he is going to buy Twitter and the deal will be final
by tomorrow tomorrow right in anticipation of the Takeover must change to Twitter bio to Chief twit
not bad
it's not too bad not too bad I would have gone with twit for brains [Applause] musk also posted
this tweet entering Twitter HQ let that sink in alongside a video of him walking into the building
holding a sink get it he wanted to visualize a pun let me try uh Elon you're clearly unhinged
you you have a screw loose you have a screw loose you're nuts you're nuts
and frankly hard to watch since you're a tool of Russian prop prep
uh gander
you okay thanks
that that bit almost killed our stage manager Mark over there okay buddy okay I'm looking forward to
Twitter uh on his first bad days CEO our stock is in the toilet oh uh what do we got oh we got uh is
this an update this is an update on Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker
seen here warning that there may be a giant Herschel Walker on the loose yesterday a second
woman came forward claiming that Walker not only paid for her to get an abortion but drove her to
the clinic he went there so much I assumed at this point he has his own parking spot
you know
Walker dismissed the story as a lie but his pile of scandals might be getting too big even for Fox
News because Brett Baer pushed back I talked to a number of Voters today some of them uh this
these accusations affected them to be honest they said they just weren't sure and they didn't know
if another shoe was going to drop another shoe gonna drop how many feet does Herschel Walker have
is he a centipede it would explain why he was such a good running back
with the midterms coming up President Joseph Robinette Biden is doing everything he can to
push his party over the top now he's reaching out to your average Joe six cylinder by playing
up his car guy persona hoping his Gearhead reputation will appeal to the Republican
base yes with the fate of our nation at stake the Democrats have a plan Republicans just
last night Biden went on Jay Leno's Garage hosted by Jay Leno and his sidekick garage
where he and Jay went for a ride in a 78 Ford pickup that had been converted to all-electric
if he just got in this and drove and didn't know it was electric would you know right away does
it feel different to you it feels different in three ways one it's quiet right quiet as hell yeah
it's quiet as hell they might want to add some sound actually because
you know what sounds dangerous a completely silent
44 year old truck driven by a grandpa who hasn't been behind the wheel in two years
okay honk the horn or something Lena was well aware how rare driving is for Biden now this is
the only time you get to drive yeah it is it's a God's truth I know and I miss it I know every once
in a while I take the Corvette out of the garage and just run up and down the driveway [Applause]
I mean I can understand he loves his Corvette but I'm not sure that's the most reassuring image I
know some Skeptics worry that Biden isn't totally with it but you would change your mind if you
could just see him going up and down the White House driveway for hours muttering I miss this
then things got wild when for some reason Biden drag raced against Colin Powell's son
Michael Powell do you have money ready to go ready to go ready May the best Corvette win
on your mark get set go
holy malarkey Joe Biden put the pedal to the medal and hit 118 miles per hour
he still got it still got it baby
any faster he would have driven back to 1955 and made out with Marty McFly's mom
which I'm pretty sure he did in 1955. if you like that footage you can see Morton
Biden's upcoming movie Fast and Furious too old to drive
so a gold grease lightning he's lagging don't use that I'll go green sliding
thank you speaking of old guys uh we gotta find tidbit from his
Holiness Pope Francis seen here greeting customers at Walmart
the potchef made headlines yesterday when he urged priests and nuns to delete porn from their phones
[Applause] priests nuns phones porn Pope oh my and here I thought the steamiest thing to happen
to the Vatican was Jude Law now obviously ill papa is not happy about men and women
of the cloth watching the dirty videos he warned against porn saying the devil enters from there
but based on what I know about porn the devil can enter a bunch of different places
we got a great show for you tonight my guess is Terry Washington but when
we come back some kids and I discuss spooky Halloween movies stick around
[Music]
thank you [Applause]