(snappy drumbeat plays)
- I remember our first emergency.
I had to rush my husband to the hospital
because he had kidney stones.
(audience members laugh, aah)
I know. And like I had heard a while back, somebody told me,
"The most pain a man can ever feel is kidney stones."
Right, so like, I'm trying to keep that thought in my mind,
as I'm looking at my husband,
who is like hunched over in pain,
moaning, groaning, crying a little bit.
(audience laughs)
'Cause I'll be honest, you guys,
there were a couple times where I did think to myself, like,
"Mmm, you need to man up."
(audience laughs)
(audience continues to laugh, shouts)
Right, 'cause my husband, he's over here like,
"Ugh, babe, it hurts. Babe it hurts."
And I'm just like, "Ugh, babe."
(audience laughs)
"What's wrong?"
(audience laughs)
"What's it feel like?"
(audience laughs)
"Like a cramp?"
(audience cheers)
(audience continues to cheer)
"Is it like a period?"
(audience laughs)
(Anjelah groans)
(audience laughs)
"Oh, you want me to take you to the hospital."
(audience laughs)
"You're funny."
(audience laughs)
"Just grab the heating pad."
(audience laughs)
(audience members woo)
Ladies, I tried to tell him,
"Just curl up in a ball and rock back and forth."
(audience laughs)
It didn't work.
(audience laughs)
And the thing was, we were about to go to bed, right,
and I wasn't feeling well, so I had just taken NyQuil.
(audience members laugh)
So I'm trying to rush my husband to the hospital,
dozing at the wheel.
(audience laughs)
By the time we get there, he's dying in pain.
I'm intoxicated.
(audience laughs)
The doctor's trying to communicate with us, like,
"Uhh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."
"What's going on here?"
"Um, who drove you guys here?"
(audience laughs)
And I was just like, "Um, your honor."
(audience laughs)
(audience continues to laugh)
"Can I say something?"
(audience laughs)
"I drove us guys here."
(audience laughs)
"But I have an excuse."
I'm on NyQuil.
(audience laughs)
"He's just a baby."
(audience laughs)
So, they admitted us both.
(audience laughs)
It was pretty expensive, hmm hmm.
(audience laughs)
I just, quickly, before we start, I just,
I feel like I ought to share something with you.
'Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts.
Like, not this audience.
(audience laughs)
Honestly, audiences bring me gifts,
and then they give it the usher,
and the usher will bring it backstage,
and then I have to open it, because,
I don't have a crew of people that travel with me,
because I'm not Adele.
(audience laughs)
You know, I don't know how people imagine, like,
I walked here tonight, the five blocks.
(audience laughs)
You know, when you make that decision, you go,
"It's only five blocks, I'm gonna walk it."
And then after the third block, you go,
"Fuck, I should've taken a Uber."
(audience laughs)
Then you go, "It's too late now, I can't get an Uber now"
"for two blocks, 'cause they'll think I'm lazy."
(audience laughs)
You don't need him to give you a two-star
'cause you're lazy,
'cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff.
(audience laughs)
"Yeah, I just sprained my ankle."
So, I get this gift, right, I do a show in Oakland,
and a woman sends a gift with the usher
and the usher brings it to the room.
And now I'm gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell.
It was just wrapped in brown paper.
And it had a string around it,
and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas,
you know, you always get your, like your sister-in-law,
she'll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit.
(audience laughs)
And you go, "Okay, calm down Manya, we know its bath salts."
(audience laughs)
It's like, "Christ, you just spend $45
on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift."
(audience laughs)
"And we don't have a bath."
(audience laughs)
Not one of those strings, it was just a old shoelace.
So you know when it's dodgy,
when the usher sort of kicks the door open, throws the gift
and then goes, "That came for you," and runs away.
(audience laughs)
So I look at this gift and I shook it
and no powder fell out of it and it wasn't ticking.
I go, "I'm gonna open it."
So I opened the gift and someone had sent me a Mooncup.
(audience members exclaim, gasp)
It's a new one, but a Mooncup.
Now for those of you who don't know what a Mooncup is,
ladies, if I can ask you to just turn to the men
in your area.
And just explain to them what a Mooncup is,
so I don't have to.
Talk amongst yourselves.
(audience laughs)
(audience continues to laugh)
If you don't know, ask the people behind you, they'll know.
Ooh, I don't know what's going on there,
there's a lady in the back doing that.
(audience laughs)
I don't know what you're explaining,
but I think you're doing it wrong.
For those of you who don't know what a Mooncup is,
it's basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha.
(audience laughs)
Like you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit.
You feel?
(audience laughs)
But I knew as soon as I received this gift,
I knew I was in deep trouble,
'cause I've got an inquiring mind.
And I knew I was going to try it.
(audience laughs)
I'm not going to go into detail, but let me just tell you,
it's not for me.
(audience laughs)
This is, okay,
you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher, right?
Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area,
just explain what I mean.
(audience laughs, applauds)
No, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher
and you get to the kid's plastic bowls and cups
and you don't take the time
to individually dry each and every cup.
You just kinda grab 'em, whack 'em, and stack 'em away,
and then tomorrow morning,
you have to feed those same children out of those bowls
and you take it out and you're like....
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that.
(audience laughs)
So no, it's not for me.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauding)
Guys, stop being cute.
Same thing with periods, too cute about those.
Periods, that's not even the right name for it.
All the names for periods suck.
Period, time of the month, Aunt Flo, they all suck.
(audience chuckles)
You know what you call a period?
A period should be called,
"Bloody tissue falling out of a hole."
(audience laughs)
If you went in to work, and you were like,
"Hey, I got 'Bloody tissue falling out of a hole.'"
(audience laughs)
They'd be like, "Yeah, take the week!"
(audience laughs, applauds)
(audience cheers, continues to applaud)
I know, I talk about periods a lot, and I know, men,
I know they're gross, women know they're gross.
We get it.
There's never a time we wake up and we're like,
"Oh, I'm so excited to clean up a crime scene."
(audience laughs)
It does make you wonder, though.
Are there more women who murder?
We've just been so good at getting out blood.
(audience laughs)
A skill we learned at age 11.
(audience laughs)
"No one must know!"
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I clean out my vagina once a month,
I think I can clean up a body twice a year.
(audience laughs, cheers, applauds)
Periods are gross, I know they're gross.
But I talk about them a lot because I want men
to be more comfortable.
But then, I was thinking how, women, how we would act
if men were the ones who got periods.
And you know what, I don't think we would be very nice.
(audience laughs)
I think as soon as a man got his period, we'd be like,
"Get in the shed, Kevin."
"Kevin, Get in the shed."
(audience laughs)
"No, you're very leaky."
"And when you get in the house you're only on the linoleum."
(audience laughs)
"Don't you, don't you dare go in my living room."
(audience laughs)
"That is a new slipcover and you're very leaky."
"You're just like your father."
(audience laughs, applauds)
Of course, women,
I also think we'd have to participate a lot more
in male periods, you know.
Like you know, women, we would have to be the ones
to remind men to change their tampons, you know we would.
(audience laughs)
We'd have to be like, "When was the last time?
(audience laughs)
"You changed your tampon?
(audience laughs)
"Babe, babe?"
(audience laughs)
"Oh, it was, um, uh... three years ago.
(audience laughs)
"I took it out, I flipped it around,
and I put it back in, so."
(audience laughs)
"Oh no, little buddy."
I think that's probably what male tampons would be called,
"Little Buddy."
(audience laughs) And I do think they'd be more fun.
I think men would have more fun with this.
Like, all the strings would have little superheroes
on the ends.
(audience laughs)
One would just have like Spiderman shooting up a web.
(audience laughs)
Another one's got Batman, it's like,
"When Batman's face turns red, get him out of the cave."
(audience laughs, cheers)
I probably just upset some men, they were like,
"I was on board with this whole male period thing,
until you combined DC and Marvel."
(audience laughs, applauds)
"How are they supposed to be in the same box,
when they're not even in the same universe?"
(audience laughs)