>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN, AND IT TURNS OUT, NINE
YEARS AGO, WAS ONE OF MY INTERNS.
PLEASE WELCOME SAM MORREL.
( APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, HEY.
I JUST MET MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER, AND THE PLACE HE TOOK ME OUT TO
LUNCH TURNED OUT TO BE A FAMILY STYLE RESTAURANT.
KIND OF IRONIC.
THEY SHOULD MAKE BROKEN FAMILY STYLE RESTAURANTS.
JUST WALK IN LIKE, "WHERE'S THE WAITER?
DID THIS GUY ABANDON US OR SOMETHING?
THEY FORGET TO COME OUT AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
THEY'RE LIKE,"WE FORGOT.
NEXT YEAR WE'RE GOING TO NAIL IT."
THE OTHER GUY SAYS I DON'T WORK HERE.
I JUST SLEEP WITH THE OWNER.
I'LL BE YOUR STEPWAITER."
I FEEL BAD FOR KIDS WE TELL THEM THEY CAN BE EXG BUT DON'T GIVE
THEM THE ODDS.
MY KID SAYS CAN I GROW UP TO WORK IN THE M.B.T.A.
I SAID IT'S POSSIBLE BUT LET'S LOOK AT THIS CHART I TOOK THE
LIBERTY OF PUTTING IN YOUR HEIGHT AND WEIGHT.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
AND IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
YOU'RE A TINY JEW.
THAT'S WHY WE NAMED YOU T.J."
THIS WHOLE HULK HOGAN THING BUMS ME OUT.
THAT SEX TAPE.
HE'S BALD BUT ALSO WITH A MULLET.
IT'S A STRANGE EXWUNGZ.
HE'S SHREDDED AND IN GREAT SHAPE.
IS HE YOUNG?
HE 75.
HE'S AN OLDER GUY, HE'S PROBABLY A GOOD DRESSER.
MOSTLY SPANDEX.
AT LEAST NO ONE KNOWS YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM.
LET ME STOP YOU AGAIN?
THAT'S ALL ANYONE EVER TALKS TO ME ABOUT.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.
I WAS WATCHING THAT MOVIE "ANNIE HALL" ON TV THE OTHER DAY.
MY GIRLFRIEND CAME HOME.
SHE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT HER OFFICE DRAMA.
I'M TUNING HER OUT BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS ON.
SHE GOT MAD.
SHE SAID ARE YOU IGNORING ME FOR "ANNIE HALL"?
I SAID I'M SORRY, WAS YOUR STORY NOMINATED FOR SEVEN ACADEMY
AWARDS?
NOT EVEN COSTUME DESIGN.
WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT CAITLYN JENNER.
I GET IT.
PEOPLE WERE INSENSITIVE IN THE TRANSITION PROCESS.
PEOPLE WERE LIKE WHAT THE HELL.
AND SHE BECAME A WOMAN AND A LOT OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE WERE LIKE
SHE'S VERY PRETTY.
THAT BELIEVES ME TO BELIEVE IF I GOT MY EYEBROWS DONE MY FRIENDS
WOULD BE YOU'RE A WUSS.
BUT IF I BECAME A WOMAN THEY WOULD BE LIKE YOU'RE VERY BRAVE.
SHE SAID YOU DON'T GET IT.
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT WHITE MAN.
CAITLYN HAD IT HARD.
HAS SHE?
CAITLYN JENNER HAS NEVER WORKED A JOB IN HER LIFE.
SHE'S BEEN COASTING OFF BRUCE'S SUCCESS HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT GUY TRAINED HARD EVERY DAY
TO GIVE HER A BETTER LIFE.
I LIKE A CURVY WOMAN, A VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN.
I COAPT KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THE STICK-THIN MODEL LOOK.
I THINK IT WAS THE FASHION INDUSTRY, WHICH MEANS MOSTLY
HOMOSEXUAL MEN.
GAY GUYS ARE LIKE THESE ARE THE HOT CHICKS.
AND STRAIGHT GUYS ARE LIKE IF YOU SAY SO.
I MEAN, I'LL HAVE SEX WITH MOST OF THEM, BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT
IT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY DID GAY GUYS GET TO CHOOSE
WHO THE HOT WOMEN ARE?
THAT'S LIKE IF STRAIGHT GUYS GOT TO DECIDE WHICH IS THE BEST
BROADWAY SHOW?
BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, AND THE TONY GUESS TO...
'ROCKI' AGAIN."
( APPLAUSE ) I GET ASHAMED WHAT I FIND
ATTRACTIVE SOMETIMES.
I SEE A WOMAN WHO IS REALLY HOT BUT SHE HAS A TERRIBLE
PERSONALITY AND MY PENIS POPS UP.
DAMN IT, PENIS.
PERSONALITY SHOULD MATTER, BUT IT DOESN'T.
NOT TO MY PENIS.
HAVING A PENIS IS LIKE HAVING A REPUBLICAN SON-- IT'S A PART OF
ME SO I HAVE TO SUPPORT IT, BUT THESE ARE NOT THE VIEWS THEY
ENDORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK WOMEN LOOK AT SEX DIFFERENTLY.
WOMEN LOOK AT SEX LIKE BUYING A CAR.
"CAN I SEE MYSELF IN THIS LONG TERM?
IS IT SAFE?
IS IT RELIABLE?
COULD IT KILL ME?" MEN LOOK AT SEX LIKE PARKING A
CAR.
WE'RE LIKE, "THERE'S A SPOT."
"THERE'S ANOTHER SPOT.
THAT WOULD WORK.
OH, I HAVE TO PAY?
NEVER MIND."
THANK YOU SO MUCH, GUYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SAM MORREL LEGAL
IN EXWOGHTAM COMEDY CLUB TOMORROW AND HIS ALBUM IS
AVAILABLE ON iTUNES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.