Are we having a house meeting?
No.
So you're gathering here is just a coincidence?
Yes.
I am what's known as a psychic vampire or energy vampire.
Energy vampires drain people's energy
merely by talking to them.
Actual versus budget year to date.
No, thanks.
You're going to be at that all day.
The power grows stronger in him by the night.
[SNORING]
I'm just going to do a quick mega feed
and then I'll be right back.
Mr. Robinson, are you here?
I'm holding up a finger indicating to hold on a second.
I'll be right back.
Yeah.
[SCREECHING]
EV.
E. V. Emotional vampire hell.
[HISSING] It's on, EV Russel.
Oh, it's on.
I like your skirt.
You should be careful because mauve attracts bees.
I was wearing this skirt when my sister
got her cancer diagnosis.
Cancer isn't usually what kills you.
It's the treatment.
She was killed by a drunk driver.
He was my fiancee.
Violence often begins at home studies indicate.
I've never had a home.
We don't have to be enemies.
Have you ever considered hunting with a partner?
The thought has only recently crossed my mind.
[SCREAMING]
It is an eclipse.
What is that?
Hey, dudes.
It's me, Colin Robinson, your roommate.
Oh.
Yeah, Guillermo is here too.
He was running around peeing himself.
I didn't pee myself, master.
I was walking by this hardware store
and I says to myself, Colin, you should
go in and see if they have any umbrellas for the well.
Made sure to keep the receipt.
I'm going to probably take it back.
You can do that on non-food items.
Is he zapping our energy?
He's taking advantage of us.
I can always return--
Shut up!
Do you not want me to stay?
I'll go. - No!
No! No!
No!
I'm just giving you guys guff.
Colin Robinson.
There you go.
Yeah.
- Can I get a drum roll first? - No.
Nope.
Fine.
I'll do my own.
It says here that I am 100% white.
People are from all different places.
It just can't say white on your paper.
Oh, wow.
100% white.
I spent so much time at the DMV,
they finally just gave me a license.
I did what any young handsome man would do.
I went and bought a classic convertible, put the top down,
blasted some tunes, and I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Hi, grandma.
You are such a big boy now, and even more handsome.
It's probably because I have so much Up Dog.
What's up, dog?
Nothing much, dog.
What's up with you?
[LAUGHING]
Colin.
OK, got to go.
Later!
I'm changing.
I'm becoming something new, something stronger.
I don't even need to talk someone's
ear off anymore to drain them.
I can drain them with a single phrase.
TGIF.
Colin Robinson has recently gained
a huge, horrifying amount of power.
He just has to walk into the house and we have no hope.
Hey, Hey, Guillermo!
Oh!
What's up, Guillermo?
No.
(SINGING) Hello!
Hello!
Oh, no they've bored themselves to death.
We have traveled here tonight from our house to our garden
to lay to rest Colin Robinson.
Colin Robinson and C-man.
Hey!
Fucking guy.
I tricked you.
I'm alive.
I just wanted to hear my eulogy.
I knew you guys actually liked me.
One of the best ways to drain people's energy
nowadays is via the internet.
This woman is a astrophysicist.
Actually, this is not how space works.
Read a book.
There's some kind of human nerd who
is telling people to ignore me.
I mean, he's getting my accounts suspended left and right.
This will not stand.
I mean, he's stealing my food now.
He's being annoying me, Colin Robinson.
Yeah, well you've been troll--
trolling me.
Excuse me, I'm a troll?
I do not like the term trolling.
Oh.
Look, the sun's coming up.
Don't you knuckleheads turn to stone when the--
Yep, there it is.
These witches are sly, but so am I. I think I have them
figured out.
Going on the floor.
We ain't here no more.
Found it.
Ready?
Well, how did you find that?
Salida.
Exit. It's in Spanish.
I know.
How did you escape from our secret room?
That would be me, ma'am.
Thank you.
I put together all your clues.
Figured it out.
Actually, it was me.
I'm the one who-- it's in Spanish.
Yo soy a bit of a puzzle head.
My bathroom bucket's full.
It needs to be emptied.
OK.
Maybe one of you a big strong men--
I'll do it.
I think it's important that I sift through the scat.
The prisoner will be reminded to treat his captors
with respect and kindness.
Yes.
Or he'll taste the wrath of my.
Don't touch the metal.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Are you OK?
No!
This year I am turning 100 years old.
It's kind of got me in a reflective mood.
There's so much I want to know.
Where do I come from?
How did I become an energy vampire?
Was I turned.
Or in the words of Stephanie Germanotta,
was I born this way?
You ready to rock?
Yeah.
Let's do it!
[SCREAMING]
Shit.
Just kidding.
I'm fine.
Just a little fire.
My ancestral soil, it is gone.
All the ancestral soil is also gone!
I got caught up in a show that I'm obsessed with,
and they only air it here at the hotel.
(SINGING) Roll the dice.
Spin that wheel.
Anyway, housekeeping came in, and I didn't
notice what she was doing.
The sushi's raw.
Catch your show and hit the spa.
Most people don't like me when I'm not singing.
Most people don't like me when I'm talking either.
[LAUGHING]
- Oh. - I'm sorry.
I got nervous.
I did a little poopy on you.
She is a siren.
It's her job to enchant you.
You're not in love.
You may think you are, you dumb fuck, but you're not.
Yeah, well how do you know the difference?
She's half chicken.
Nobody's perfect.
Is that chicken spell worn off?
I guess.
[SINGING]
If you guys could maybe give me a minute,
I'm going to beat off now.
The very first time Colin and I were in the vampiric council
library, he began searching for information
about energy vampires, and how they're made,
and where he came from.
But what I found shocked me.
Energy vampires, it said, have a life expectancy
of exactly 100 years.
On their 100th birthday, they expire.
So does Colin know?
He doesn't.
I haven't had the heart to tell him.
I think I'm going to pass on the fuck and suck show.
I'm feeling a little funny tummy.
I'm going to 23 skidoo and lie down take a nap.
Party on, dudes.
The dying has begun.
Sorry, I'm ruining my own birthday party.
You know what though?
I feel like I'm rallying.
Maybe we can have some birthday fun after all.
No, no.
Don't exert yourself, dear friend.
Oh, OK.
That awkward moment.
Master, Colin Robinson is dying,
and I figure we should all be together for that.
You're too late.
He's gone.
Hey!
Wakey!
Don't make me tickle you now.
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
Enough of this shit.
Hey!
Oh!
Uh Oh.
I guess he wasn't faking it.
Well, this is very sad.
There are, it seems, others in our world.
What's this shit?
Whose future is far less certain.
Whose existence is even more terrifying
and mysterious than our own.
Who actually are weak and defenseless.
Who need protection and care.
[CRYING]
Hello?
Shit.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]